Reasons to hate 2010: Part One

2010 has been alright hasn’t it? Or has it? Rather than focus on the positive side of this year I cannot help but be a pessimist and ruin it for the rest of you by compiling a list of why 2010 has been shit.

Avatar

OK it’s the biggest film ever but because of that fact many are treating it as the best film ever (it’s not). From a technical perspective it is one of the most important films ever made and will be forever notes as one. Despite this it’s far from a perfect film or even a great one. A forgettable film has been made unforgettable thanks to the hyperbolic reaction it has received.
It’s really annoying to listen to someone banging on about how brilliant Avatar is and how they’ve seen nothing like it. We’ve all seen it, every last one of us and as a result it’s something we can talk about without being afraid of being put down with “you fucking mug, what you doing watching that gay thing”. Usually a sci-fi film would illicit this kind of reaction from the average un-geek man but not Avatar, it’s like it has diplomatic immunity. I know people who liked Avatar but would never see Star Trek in a million years because it is unrealistic! People like Avatar because other people like Avatar, or Coldplay syndrome as it‘s more commonly known.
It has had two cinema releases this year and two DVD releases with another due out next year, if you don’t like it you can’t escape it and while I quite enjoyed it at the cinema I’ve since gone on to hate it because no matter where you turn there is an advert for it. Two sequels have been announced already and I fear I will have to go through the pandemonium twice more.
The thing is, the film doesn’t warrant any of this, it’s just not very good. It is too long, the dialogue is atrocious, the acting is bad, and the plot is unoriginal. The special edition had an extra 8 minutes added, why? It was long enough already, don’t make it longer! In between the action scenes we are treated to a wonderfully dull dialogue, it’s truly awful and feels like they forgot all about it and wrote it an hour before they started filming though if that actually happened it may have came out better. It’s the script that makes the actors look bad but Michelle Rodriguez would look bad either way. All through the film there are echoes of Aliens and the plot rips off Pocahontas, Princess Mononoke, Dances with Wolves and even the Fast and the fucking Furious to an extent! The effects may look great but the actual film is something completely different and the Academy Awards should have really picked up on this before they nominated it for best picture.

Alan Wake

Alan who? Alan Wake was a game on the Xbox 360 this year that had received quite a lot of hype and while it got some very good reviews I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Excited that a game actually had a written story and even promoted that fact I expected something that I never got. Alan Wake and his wife go to a small town not to dissimilar to Twin Peaks, his wife goes missing, weird things happen, there’s twists and turns and in the end nothing is explained and it doesn’t make sense.
All throughout the game Mr A.Wake narrates as if it were a novel, the problem being it’s the most boring novel ever written, but still not as boring as Alan himself. Promoted as TV show-esque, the game fails to feel anything like a TV show, yes there are cliff hangers at the end of each level (I mean “episodes”) but there is no suspense created as you can immediately find out what happens next by simply pressing A. You spend most of your time walking or waking up in the middle of a dark forest in which you have lost your torch and gun (again), or you might talk to a few kooky yet inevitably dull “characters” and you’ll definitely fight the same enemies again and again throughout the entire game.
Alan Wake deserves criticism because while it looks like a good game, and for a while it makes you think that, it just isn’t fun to play and you’d be better off just watching a real TV show, speaking of which…

Lost

Six fucking years of my life! ARGH! Lost was brilliant, I will stand by that statement but I can’t escape the fact that it was also shit, I’ve never seen a show like it and probably never will again. It seemed so intricately planned, the writers declaring they had it all worked out well in advance, the discovery of the others, the hatch, the Dharma stations, Jacob, the other others, it was an unfolding mystery that asked more questions with each new answer, until we found out about Jacob that is.
From around season four it looked like Lost was getting silly but buoyed by Damon Lindelof’s earlier admission that it all tied together in the end I kept watching and by season six when it was really silly I was still watching with a devout faith that would make a catholic blush. Then came the episode “Across the sea” which is probably the worst episode in the entire six seasons, gone was my faith, it wasn’t an all mighty epiphany but a humble realisation that it wasn’t going to end the way I wanted it to and that the many questions asked weren’t going to be answered.
As I woke up extra early on a Monday morning to watch the finale it turned out I was right, it didn’t end well. Six fucking years of my life! ARGH! Initial confusion turned to eventual anger as I struggled to come to terms with the lame ending, I didn’t sleep for days and it was weeks before I showered, I ended up living as a savage in a nearby woods (might not be true). I have several hundred still unanswered questions and “oooo it’s all a bit mystical” just doesn’t count as an answer in my mind. That said the very final parting shot was near perfect and there were some very well written episodes, particularly the Desmond ones. But still, six fucking years of my life! ARGH!

To be continued…

The Christmas Movie Marathon

In eager child like anticipation I am counting down the days until it’s time for the Christmas movie marathon which I have aptly dubbed “The Christmas movie marathon“. A movie marathon always seems like a good idea but lets face it, it’s near impossible to watch two movies back to back let alone a whole heap of them. I watched The Matrix trilogy back to back once and it gives me a headache just thinking about it, fair enough the quality of the films might be the reason my brain melted but it’s pretty hard to stay focused on one thing for longer than twenty minutes never mind all that shit about an architect and so on. A better approach is to watch say one or two movies a day the week before Christmas as opposed to one sitting which will probably make you sick of the festivities before you consume enough chocolate and alcohol to actually be sick.

Here is the current line-up for this year’s (more than slightly moronic) marathon:

The Nightmare Before Christmas

A favourite amongst Goths it could almost be called “A Cure Christmas Special” if it had anything to do with The Cure which it doesn‘t. Of course it’s got the Tim Burton stamp all over it and Goths just love him (they ARE capable of love apparently) because it’s his films they got their look from. I never saw this film as a young child, I imagine if I did I would have cried and not slept for twelve years (that happened with scary clown film It) but now I’ve grown a little older and I’ve come to appreciate this kooky film and all its kookiness.

Elf

It’s easy to forget that Will Ferrell has made any films other than Anchorman and its imitators but rest assured he has. Elf is one of the better films he’s made and indeed one of the better “traditional” Christmas movies of the last decade. Crappy “fun for all the family” movies are ten a penny (or dime a dozen) and you’d be forgiven for thinking this is just another one of them but it actually is fun for all the family or a least fun for me.

Lethal Weapon

Well it’s set around Christmas I guess. The most tenuous choice on the list it is still an entertaining film if only for Mel “I wasn’t so controversial back then” Gibson’s mullet. It’s really just a great action film but the true Christmas spirit comes right at the end as the Riggs and Murtaugh partnership becomes an unbreakable friendship on Christmas Day as Riggs gives Murtaugh the greatest present a friend could give, the bullet he was going to use to kill himself. I’ll never be too old for this shit.

"Yipee-ki-ay Mother fucker"

The Muppet’s Christmas Carol

I freaking loved the Muppets as a kid so naturally I loved this movie and I always will do. There have been millions of adaptations of A Christmas Carol but this will always be the best. When you’re a kid the bright colours of the Muppets are enough to keep you entertained but as I’ve grown older I’ve come to realise that it’s Michael Caine’s performance that makes this film work so well. It’s funny and it’s poignant and I defy anyone not to be in the Christmas spirit after they see it.

TV Specials

The Christmas special is as common as a turkey or a tree and if you own a few TV box sets chances are you have quite a handful of these. British specials often depress me as they portray the reality of a British Christmas, staying in watching TV where the only Christmas spirit is Vodka. Christmas is supposed to be magical and whether it’s Eastenders or Gavin and Stacey on screen it just looks depressing. There are a few good specials that demand to be viewed every year, The Office possibly being the best due to the perfect ending for Tim and Dawn. America has a much more idealised portrayal of Christmas and it’s not hard to find a festive episode watching an American show unless you’re watching The Wire.

Home Alone

Probably my favourite film as a kid along with Kindergarten Cop, Home Alone was as good as it got back then. I imagine adults hated Macaulay Culkin and probably cheered when the bees got him in My Girl but to me (and Michael Jackson) he was a cool guy. Kevin’s family really did seem like a bunch of jerks, it was quite a scary yet cool idea of being home alone, and the Wet Bandits were pretty damn terrifying as well as the basement, the score, and Uncle Frank. Kevin’s “battle” against the Wet Bandits is still as entertaining as it was when I was a child and the reunion between Kevin and his family gets more emotional each time I watch it. More than anything this film is pure nostalgia and must be watched every Christmas without fail.

Home Alone 2

Though not as good as the original, Home Alone 2 is still an immensely enjoyable film and again nostalgic as it is one of the first films I remember seeing at the cinema along with Beethoven’s 2nd (which doesn’t make this list). I remember being in awe of the Talkboy (was it called that?) Kevin used during the film, an example of product placement totally working. While the first film’s message focuses strongly on family and togetherness, the sequel focuses on friendships especially ones with weird pigeon ladies.

Die Hard

It’s a Christmas movie I don’t care what you say, it’s the BEST DAMN CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER MADE. It’s certainly one of the best movies ever made and is my all time favourite along with Back to the Future. It’s set on Christmas Eve, it has a bit of Christmas music and of course there’s the whole “Ho Ho Ho now I have a machine gun” and this is enough to say it’s a Christmas movie. Everything about the film is off the fucking chain, it’s a masterpiece and I will strive to put it at the top of every list I can.

There are obviously loads of films I’ve missed out, the ones with Tim Allen, the ones with Chevy Chase, the ones with Vince Vaughn (he only does Christmas movies now), Ernest Saves Christmas, Gremlins, and It’s A Wonderful Life. I’m aware this is a classic but I have never seen it because I’m quite ignorant, an attempt to see it will be made but sadly in the end I’ll probably just end up watching Die Hard 2.

iPhone Wanker

iPhone wanker. That’s what I think about people with iPhones yet I have unfortunately become one of the most unbearable people you can ever speak to. “It’s fucking brilliant, it’ll change your life, I’ve got an app for everything” SHUT UP! After the tragedy of owning a Blackberry and it subsequently breaking I’ve been using something that would be out of date in The Bronze Age, imagine a phone where you can’t access the internet, if I went on any longer I’d have ended up like Travis Bickle.
Admittedly I was quite excited about getting the iPhone, having listened to the superlatives of an Applephile for the past year I had this image in my head that it was the answer to all my problems, like a pocket Jesus. What ensued when I finally got it was a frustrating hour and a half updating my iTunes thanks to an archaic internet connection. I had an iPhone but I couldn’t use it, I guess this is what strip clubs are like, you can look but you can’t touch, great, I’ll just sit here with an erection like the scary guy sat next to me.
iTunes eventually updated and it turned out that what I had in my hand was just a phone. No moment of clarity, no epiphany, just a phone. I have Twitter back as well the freedom to check Wikipedia whenever I can’t place an actor in a film and apart from that it’s just a phone and one that I am terrified of breaking. You ever seen anyone in real life dance with an iPod like they do in the adverts? That bitch must be crazy dancing round with it in her hand, she’ll drop it! There are games and this is what most people go on about and while they’re mildly fun they are no reason to harass people proclaiming that I have the greatest game ever made ON MY PHONE OMG!!!
Just like the Kindle, you can have a Kindle on your iPhone which is great if you like reading on a tiny screen which I don’t. I understand the appeal to having a whole library in your pocket and being able to read something on the go but generally I don’t read more than one book in a month let alone a journey, and I doubt anyone else does apart from Jonny 5 and let’s face it you probably just drank some Pepsi out of what’s left of him. What’s more is that everyone has that fantasy of reading a book and impressing every attractive girl/guy who walks past them, you don’t get that with a Kindle or an iPhone, they don’t know you’re reading their favourite book, you’re probably playing Angry Birds.
I heard all kind of crazy shit about the apps store, and what it actually contains is just a bloated selection of useless looking things you don’t need and will probably never use. Why would anyone want to see what they’d look like if they were fat and what happens when a fat person uses Fatbooth? Is there a Thinbooth? There is an app that promises to track the location of anyone’s mobile phone which would seem a little dangerous if it actually worked. What’s surprising is the amount of people who have bought this app and then written a review to say how shit it is and it doesn’t work, of course it doesn’t work, if you didn’t already think that and somehow didn’t read the 300 odd reviews saying exactly that then you deserve what you get. It’s shocking how angry people get over 59p.
I can’t help but feel ashamed of owning an iPhone, it’s almost like an affliction in the sense that I have become an iPhone wanker. In company I have kept it hidden in my pocket in fear that people will think of me as some sort of iPhone wanker who will speak to them at great lengths about how it changed my life and it would change their lives if only they had one. If someone asks you if it’s good how do you say yes without sounding like a total dickhead? It was the same with a Blackberry, “Oh look at you with your la de da Blackberry, sending an email are you? You make me sick”. Yet with a simple phone I’m laughed at while people with other phones are constantly asked “why don’t you just get an iPhone?” and people without a mobile phone get burned at the stake for being witches. There’s probably an app for that.

Holding out for a Hero

It’s been a strange year in the world of those little computer video games, you know, those things the kids play which make them shoot up schools. It could be a sign that I’m growing up but not much has really blown me away this year, the one game I was looking forward to was Fable III and it was totally akin to my excitement of Spider-Man 3 and then seeing it.
It came out over a month ago but the feeling in my toes has only just come back and I am now able to write about Fable III. Like Spider-Man 3 it’s not all bad but you can’t help but feel it could have been much much better. The Fable franchise is somewhat infamous or at least famous for its flaws. The purpose of a sequel is to improve on its predecessor, Fable II did that while having its own long list of flaws but sadly Fable III took one of these flaws and improved it a bit and forgot about the rest of them.
I shouldn’t have been so naïve to believe in Peter Molyneux’s hyperbolic ramblings about the game’s improvements, the time he spent on talking about the game surely could have been spent on making it better but still I was watching the interviews on IGN and Xbox Live genuinely excited that we might finally have a perfect Fable game. All that was needed was to iron the creases out of Fable II, put in a few new features and a good story and we’d have what we all wanted.
We were promised that the pretty terrible pause menu would be fixed with a super awesome interactive one and while we have it exactly as they described it would be, you don’t really need to use it that often, you won’t change your clothes because there aren’t that many and you won’t notice any difference in the weapons you use, nor will you appreciate John Cleese telling you that there are new items in the Sanctuary shop every two minutes.
The most irritating thing about Fable III though is the lag, why is there lag when I‘m not even playing online? It’s like I’m playing a game on an outdated PC. Combine this with the useless “breadcrumb trail” and you will spend most of your time getting frustrated as you’re left jerking around the screen not knowing where to go. Red Dead Redemption was so enjoyable because you could just explore, in Fable you only get little segments of the world and it doesn’t let you appreciate the world they have created. You can see a massive city in the horizon but when you get there it’s noting more than a few streets, and somehow it feels smaller than the last game with quite a few locations omitted, perhaps to sell to us in DLC?
What was disappointing about Fable II was the lack of stuff to do and there is even less to do in Fable III. They’ve even taken out some of the good stuff like the pub games and replaced it with…nothing. They’ve created this expansive world and not only do we not get to see all of it we don’t get to live in it either. Making friends and raising a family is so inconsequential there’s hardly any point in doing it and the new feature of having to complete a quest to do so makes it a tedious waste of time. The jobs are now incredibly easy yet mind numbingly repetitive, if I wanted that I’d just go to work but even that would be more fun than pressing 3 buttons again and again.
I said the most irritating thing was the lag but thinking about it the story ruins the game. The plot sees you on a quest to overthrow your evil brother and take over the throne which immediately contradicts a massive mechanic of the game. You can choose to be good or evil yet when the plot negates that you are good it seems silly that you can go around killing the citizens you are trying to save. Furthermore when you do overthrow your brother it turns out that his means were justified and you can choose to do everything he did and if you don’t you end up being just as hated as he was living in a world full of corpses once you finish the game leaving you unable to complete the side quests.
The game seems too linear especially in the second half and it suffers from shifting the villain from your brother to a dark entity which is absent for much of the game. You are told this entity known as Steve (I can’t remember its name) will attack your land in one year yet all you do is decide on things like choosing to restore an orphanage or turn it into a brothel and this takes any tension out of the game and when Steve does attack it is incredibly disappointing ending all too easily and on such a small fanfare. End boss battles are supposed to be OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN, this didn’t even tug it.
It is still an enjoyable game but continuing the Spider-Man 3 metaphor, it’s the bad that sticks with you. The developers have aimed to make the game more accessible yet the first two were hardly the most complicated of games and what we’re left with is a diluted version of Fable II which lags. As the video game market expands it has to cater for a wider audience meaning any concept the casual gamer doesn’t understand is removed which is pissing in the mouths of the not so casual gamer, why should we have to suffer because some prick doesn’t know how to level up properly or understand a complex (or even simple) plot?
I’m getting bored of games and this was supposed to be the game to restore my faith in them, instead I’ve been reading books! READING! What’s happened to me? If Fable IV is going to work then they have to start from scratch, go back to the beginning of the mythology they've created and make a game about being a hero, keep the style and humour, write a simple story with a decent ending and perhaps most importantly, make sure it doesn't lag.

Buffy the Reboot Slayer

No, no they won’t. They couldn’t possibly, never in a million years. They are? What? Those pricks! Those god damn selfish pricks! Just one of the thousand reactions I experienced upon reading that the Buffy reboot is going ahead. If it is horror they are after then they’ve got it because this is the most horrific thing I have ever heard in the world of movies.
Despite my hatred of the current vampire trend I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I absolutely loved it, I was obsessed with it (IMPORTANT NOTE: I have never written my own fan fiction). Why wouldn’t I (I hear you not say)? In fully fledged pubescence by that point and doting on Sarah Michelle Gellar I didn’t start watching it because of the vampires if you know what I am saying (I fancied Sarah Michelle Gellar if you don’t). That said it was a great show and an important one, without Buffy there would be no Angel, no Firefly, no Smallville, no revived Dr Who, I could go on and on and on. It’s not all Nathan Fillion, Kryptonite and sonic screwdrivers though, there has been a terrible domino effect in its wake, Twilight which was no doubt influenced by Buffy has gone on to make vampires popular creating a niche for such shows as True Blood and those Vampire Diaries, and finally a Buffy reboot.
Buffy was something special to those who watched it, I’m under no illusions that it was anything other than that shitty vampire thing to those who didn’t watch it, but there would not be one fan who would think a Buffy reboot is a good idea, let alone a Whedon-less one. Joss Whedon is the reason why Buffy was great, why Firefly was great and why the forthcoming Avengers movie could potentially be great (potentially) and a Buffy film could only ever work with him at the helm. Not only is Whedon a talented writer he holds a reputation with science fiction fanboys and girls which is pretty much unbreakable, and as he has already spoken out against the idea of a reboot his legion of geeks will take his side to their death.
That said if anything was to damage his reputation it would be his involvement in a Buffy reboot. Even with Whedon it wouldn’t work for many reasons. As Buffy was a series it was able to lay out plots and character development patiently and effectively whilst also being able to tell standalone episodes which had little or no consequence to the bigger picture, much like The X-Files (which lost its charm when translated to the big screen).
If you remove the concept from this structure and put it in a two hour movie it will not work. You have the premise thus, Buffy, a sixteen year old cheerleader has been chosen to be a slayer, she slays some vampires, might fall in love with one, slays some more, the end. There won’t be time to create all of the relationships forged in the series, hours were spent doing that and if you asked fans who their favourite characters were in the show there wouldn’t be one definitive answer. The show became more about the “Scooby gang” than Buffy and there isn’t time in a film or even a trilogy to develop a whole group of characters and give them enough screen time.
Of course I might be damning it before it’s even had a chance and it could be AMAZING…ly bad. There’s just such a long list of reasons why it wouldn’t happen, who will play Buffy? Will there be a watcher? Who will play him? Oh no, it’s Queen Latifah, will there be a “Scooby gang”? Will Angel be in it? Who will play him? Oh it’s Justin Bieber, will Spike be the bad guy? Oh no he’s not bad, because it’s fucking Justin Bieber playing him as well.
Of course I might be damning it before the film studio have even told us who’s writing it, imagine if Edgar Wright was involved, that might be good oh wait it’s Whit Anderson. ME NEITHER! Announced with the news of the reboot was the reveal that Whit Anderson will be writing the film. A young writer/actress who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page but has a gig writing a fucking Buffy movie! She was quoted saying “I didn’t really watch much television at all, but I always watched ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’”. It doesn’t matter if you always watched it, I’d expect a writer especially one with the task of writing a Buffy film to have watched just about every god damn TV show out there. The correct quote should have been “I fucking loved TV I couldn’t get enough of the shitting thing but if it was between Dallas and Buffy, Dallas could fuck right off”.
Of course I might be damning it before it’s even been made but the reboot is only based on the original Buffy film which if memory serves me right was just horrible. Because the rights are for the film only none of the characters from the series other than Buffy will be in this adaptation, so there will be no “Scooby gang”, no watcher, no Angel, no Spike, just loose archetypes of these characters. What you have in essence is just the idea of a teenage girl fighting vampires, the Buffy name is purely an attempt to garner interest in the project but the absence of Joss Whedon and the original cast of the series along with the presence of an unknown writer and the affiliation of the original film will do nothing but put people off.
This will be something we have to accept but not like, they’ve said it’s happening and we have the current Vamp trend to blame. Trends come and go and this will probably be fast tracked into production before we all love pirates again. The above rant is about a show I’ve not seen in years, just imagine the anger and wrath of the hardcore nerds who really love it.

Holidays are Coming

It seems appropriate to write about Christmas in November since that’s when it starts according to the likes of Argos and Tesco, and perhaps most annoyingly, Marks and fucking Spencer. Whinging about the commercialisation of the celebration of Jesus Christ is nothing new and probably just as annoying in itself. For every person super excited about Christmas there is a bastard who hates it and the result is a frustrating two months congested with conversations about how great or lame tis’ season to be jolly is.
I used to get so excited about it I’d be physically sick but since growing up and having a job the only really good thing about Christmas is the novelty of drinking in the day and not feeling guilty which is like every day in Scotland. No longer do I think about nothing else from September, or write a thousand different lists, or search the entire house for presents despite wanting to keep everything a surprise. There is never one present I dream to be opening on the 25th anymore because if I want something, I usually buy it.
There’s no point in hiding it, Christmas is about presents, forget the turkey, the tree, the Only Fools and Horses special, all we want are presents, and good ones! We don’t want shit presents, you might as well punch me in the face while you’re at it if you‘re going to give me some actual shit. I don’t mean to be ungrateful or greedy but a novelty gift might make you laugh but it fucking annoys me. It’s totally useless and I can’t throw it away because that would be impolite so I just have to keep it forever cluttering my room, I’ve lost count of the number of “executive ball scratchers” I own, if there is ever an itchy ball pandemic you know who to call. More often than not we are asked by someone what we want for Christmas and in turn we ask them and we end up giving two presents of the same monetary value, it’s the equivalent of handing someone £20 and then having it handed back to you immediately after, only you can’t spend it now, you just have something you kind of wanted but would never spend your own money on (but you essentially just have).
My fondest memories of Christmas all seem to involve computer games, I don’t think I will ever have the same feeling of wonder as I did when receiving an N64 and playing Super Mario 64 for the first time. Every year after that I asked for a computer game, I usually picked the one I wanted during the summer and obsessed about it until I had it in my hands. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Pokemon Blue, GTA: Vice City, this was what Christmas was about! (If you’re a geek).
Growing up and having money has ruined this, not only can I buy any game I want, I can also buy a lot of games I don’t want and I simply don’t have the childlike wonder I used to over them, probably because I’m not a child anymore. The same goes for everything else and it makes it hard to get excited about Christmas, especially when it’s not even a week off anymore, I still have to work and then there’s that awful thing called New Year’s Eve.
Like I said earlier though drinking throughout the day does inject a little life into the day and another perk is the great tradition of the Christmas Movie. For the past few years I have watched Home Alone and Die Hard every Christmas Eve and by maintaining this routine there is still something special about the most wonderful time of the year, much like when you see the Coca Cola advert with all the trucks and shit, only today did I see a real Coca Cola truck and got all giddy.
To get to this state of happiness though I have to negotiate through a stampede of crappy adverts (crapverts) where Jason Donovan serves a Nolan sister a “traditional” Christmas spring roll along with other similar twats all pretending to have a really great time when in reality they just want go home and count their money. All these crapverts have one goal, to present an idealised Christmas home where everything is perfect and everyone is just swell in love with everything. Marks and Spencer takes this to an extreme, and when they’re not sexualising food they’re showing celebrities (some of them proper ones) frolicking in the snow and having a splendid middle class time making you envy and hate them at the same time and in the end it just depresses you as you look forward to your day of Quality Street and Carlsberg.
If the build up to Christmas lasts for what seems like eternity then what the fuck is that week between Christmas Day and New Years Day? This period of limbo where if you don’t work you stay at home and continue to watch TV and eats loads of food and if you do work you don’t put a shirt and tie on and you don’t work half as hard as you would on a normal day. I guess this week is what it feels like to be in Lost, not having a shitting clue to what’s going on, and before you know it everything is back to normal and you’re left with a crushing disappointment.
So in between the Christmas bummers and the Christmas haters I sit confused and ambivalent to it all. While I don’t like it to be over commercialised I don’t want it to go the other way where we all just give each other a hug and sit round a fire because that sounds shit. More than anything I’m just bitter that my favourite thing in the world isn’t as good as it used to be and it’s clear that the one thing I want for Christmas this year is to be young again…or a DeLorean.

COD and Chips

It’s that time of the year again and like clockwork another Call of Duty game has come in every man’s face. The average man doesn’t have much in life, he has football, beer, and tits, and now COD. We laugh at how women like shoes, gossip, and Brad Pitt, and ponder how anyone can be comfortable adhering to such stereotypes. We think this as we down our pint, call Gary Neville a wanker and stare at that women’s tits. Then we turn on our 360/PS3 and play COD until it’s time to go to work or that prick from Sheffield snipes us so many times we get angry and turn the damn thing off vowing never to play the stupid fucking game again only to turn it back on within the hour the cycle viciously repeating until we become mindless zombies.
The Call of Duty franchise is not just for gamers anymore, it’s become synonymous with Man and is much bigger than a mere computer video game those darn pesky kids are playing. Call of Duty attracts the most casual of gamers who usually reserve their playing time for FIFA (and nothing else) and perhaps it’s the game’s macho subject matter of shooting faces that transcends COD from being geeky and stupid to the most important facet of life. Nothing says “I’m the alpha male” more than “poning a noob”. The supposed realism is what makes COD so engrossing to the masses, where as Halo with its lasers and aliens requires too much suspension of disbelief and is subsequently left for those dreaded malevolent hardcore gamers.
Everyone wants to prove they’re the best and if they can’t do it on the football pitch then they will do it online, annoying the geeks who thought they found their calling in life to no end. For some of the physically inferior, games are all they have, they’re good at them and in their virtual world they are the Mac daddy. The universal appeal of COD is threatening the false sense of achievement for many geeks and as such online conflict can get very personal.
Games should be fun but for some people, COD is not a game, it’s life. These people give themselves ridiculous monikers like “HellReaper77” or “Gangrapist98” and always get into an argument with another like minded moron over who is the best, really childish and petty arguments, but then again just like two football fans fighting over who’s team is best.
With the release of the latest instalment, Black Ops, things are going to get worse for us. We’ve been promised the biggest game ever, and what we have is sort of the same thing we had last year. 90% of its audience don’t care about the single player campaign but me, I’m part of the 10%, and to be honest it’s pretty disappointing. The gaming industry has never been renowned for its storytelling and Black Ops doesn’t break the trend, it’s just as bad as what we‘re used to. Playing out like a series of 24 set in the Cold War, you play some guy who is being interrogated by some other guy over a set of mysterious numbers. Mysterious numbers, hmm I definitely haven’t seen any TV shows feature a mysterious set of numbers recently. Just as Modern Warfare 2’s story made no sense at all, Black Ops is equally full of massive plot holes and even bigger Michael Bay-esque explosions, or as I like to call them, Baysplosions.
The huge set pieces may look impressive but they come at you relentlessly and actually ruin any tension or sense of danger that a war would inevitably invoke in you. Like the majority of games, it appears as if the writers have just watched a load of action movies and decided to base the story around all of them. Whatever happened to reading books? What ensues is a discordant experience where you are not given any time to follow the confused plot or connect with any of the characters. There is a distinct lack of sensitivity in the game and I can’t help but feel that the subject of war should be treated less abrasively. Every character is full of testosterone and appears to enjoy shooting and stabbing everything in sight. There are a few occasions where the tone changes and the ugly side of war is shown but these moments are too rare and soon forgotten in the mass of explosions.
The multiplayer is what most people came for though and it gives them exactly what they want, to shoot each other. While changes have been made they are all essentially superficial and it’s just the same as last year, much like the annual update of a sports game. The COD disciples won’t care though, Activision could have released Pong and they would have still bought it. Through their rose tinted night vision goggles there’s not much COD fans won’t spend their money on, the £10 map packs of Modern Warfare 2 proving that, even I bought them eventually only to find that everyone else skipped the maps every time they appeared. I never got to play some of the maps and it shows the devotion of many players that they will pay £10 for content they will never use.
Of course as the franchise becomes more popular and more successful why change the formula? Men have something meaningful in their lives now, we’re not going to throw it away. Just like an adolescent teenager discovering masturbation, we are in wonder of COD and we won’t give it up easily, you put them on the shelves and we will buy them. The marketing campaign for Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood looks to exploit this new popularity of virtual murder as Tinie Tempah’s Frisky plays over the advert as if to suggest that killing in the 15th century is “bad boy”. Of course it is but there is no need to be so blunt about it.

Come to New Zealand! Where all those Hobbits and Orcs died and shit

It was hard to sympathise with those New Zealanders protesting against the possibility that The Hobbit might be filmed elsewhere because after all I didn’t really like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Before the films came out I tried reading the books, well the first and it was essentially a directory of hobbits for the first thirty pages and I gave up shortly after that. As epic was the journey the fellowship took I feel watching all three films was an almightier task. For a guy who likes the occasional sunshine and lollipop fest the Rings trilogy was too dark, too bleak, and just too damn shitting long.
It’s certainly not something I could watch again, just thinking about it makes me shudder. Despite having more gay overtones than Top Gun it’s still depressingly dark and probably the reason why so many franchises are compelled to have a dark turn. Harry Potter could have been a glorious camp adventure but it’s been molested by bleak shades of blue and grey, can’t we just have a little bit of sun? I don’t mind if Ron burns like a mother fucker. This overt gloominess isn’t good for your health, you watch films to escape, why would you want to escape your own depressing life for someone else’s? Yes there is always light at the end of the tunnel and these films end by the protagonist saving the world from a terrible threat but it’s always at the cost of many lives and everyone involved will be mentally scarred until they die, is that really a happy ending?
So why were these New Zealanders getting so worked up? Why would you want your country to be synonymous with death and destruction? Come to New Zealand! Where all those Hobbits and Orcs died and shit. I presume many fanboys go to New Zealand for that sole purpose but there must be more to a country than some fields where Elijah Wood once stood on. Of course the filming of The Hobbit will provide many jobs but that begs the question, have these protestors been sitting about since 2003 waiting for Peter Jackson to give them another job? The answer is no, plenty of films have been made in New Zealand since the Rings and it is somewhat arrogant to say where a film should and shouldn’t be made, that’s up to the filmmakers.
The protest worked though and The Hobbit will be filmed in New Zealand, but come on, where else were they going to make it? The only other place in the world that looks like Middle Earth is Wales and that would be shit, even if Newport is identical to Mordor. While the film may be important to many Kiwis (is that racist?) I have been less than excited about its release…until Martin Freeman was announced as Bilbo Baggins that is. Because of The Office and Sherlock I will probably watch anything that has Freeman in it, even The Hobbit, and not just that, I’m excited about it. Martin Freeman is one of those rare actors who comes across as a normal pleasant human being and as a result is instantly likeable in everything he does, which will be pivotal in The Hobbit’s success. The audience will be able to connect with Freeman immediately or at least I will be able to and without this connection the film will not work. That said protests will start soon to get Rhys Darby to play Baggins, something I will be equally excited to see.

Science, not just for geeks!

I like science and I bet you immediately think I’m a geek (you’re right). Science is cool but the people who get their kicks from it usually aren’t, not by conventional standards anyhow. You mention science and you conjure images of Einstein, Hawking, Doc Brown and Professor Frink, or on a generic basis, nerdy guys with glasses and lab coats. In fiction scientists have become frequently portrayed in this way, if not they are almost always of the mad and evil kind, either way they’re not cool. You go beyond that and science is just something these weird people like, this mysterious entity that only a select few know about and will inevitably use to cause Armageddon like Pinky and The Brain.
There appears to be something of a little science boom at the moment, perhaps the media coverage of the Large Hadron Collider initiated it or maybe it’s because TV shows like Fringe and The Big Bang Theory and sci-fi films such as Star Trek, Avatar and District 9 have brought science into the mainstream. Science documentaries have become much easier to find this year especially on the BBC and their latest project Secrets of the Universe indicates that the stigma towards science is fading and it is ready to reach a wider audience.
Secrets of the Universe started on BBC3 last night, a science programme on BBC3, you heard me right. It’s aim is pretty clear, to make science accessible, simple, and not just for geeks. To make it easy to understand it is formatted in the same way as every other BBC3 documentary, bright colours, popular music and a typically cool presenter. The show promises to explain the concepts of the universe without stepping inside a lab and just using everyday objects and the great outdoors.
What the first hour of this series explained was the Big Bang theory, red shift, waves, gravity and stars. It did this by exploding a water melon, playing guitar in a moving car, surfing, and making toast with mirrors. This all seems to be smoke and mirrors (har har) though and in one hour not very much has been explained. I understand it’s effectively science for simpletons but a GCSE student would find it patronising. If you took out all the gratuitous “WACKY!” stunts the show would last twenty minutes, which I think would be a good thing.
Presenter Greg Foot just comes across as a colossal twat, he’s sort of like science’s Jamie Oliver. He’s the archetype of BBC3 presenters in that he’s young, conventional, brightly dressed and absolutely determined to come across all trendy. In fact I got the feeling that this hour was more an attempt at showing us how cool he was than explaining how the universe works. He introduces himself as 27 (who the fuck does that?) in front of a backdrop of photos of himself in various outdoor pursuits as if to say look what I do (YOU‘RE A PRICK!). He continually uses his wealth of many mates to demonstrate the concepts and also to show us how many mates he has. There is one totally pointless scene in which he explains something in a pub while he has a pint with just a few of his many mates so we can see how frickin’ damn cool he is. He says “shit” a few times as well so we can relate to him and as an extension, science itself. Don’t say fuck though that’s going too far. What annoyed me the most was when he explained waves by surfing. He clearly bought some “WACKY!” board shorts just for the show and was so intent on wearing them he put them on over a wet suit, what a cunt.
This format fits perfectly into the ideals of BBC3 and I wouldn’t be surprised if the producers just cut the documentary so he came across this way, he’s probably a really nice guy and just wants to tell us about science. That said the show would be far more effective if it wasn’t trying so hard and just told us about some science. Wonders of the Solar System was detailed yet simple and focused on the wonders (obviously) of science rather than how gnarly it is. Brian Cox shows that you don’t have to jump around with your mates drinking beer and saying shit to make science cool. People who watch BBC3 get distracted approximately every 3 seconds though and maybe giving them just a little bit of scientific knowledge between every “shit” may eventually lead to an influx of more in depth programming as science becomes more popular.
The thing is though that the BBC already has a regular science programme, Bang goes the Theory, which works so much better. Finding a balance between simplicity and detail, the show is never patronising nor too complex and often relates science to current affairs. It does suffer from being a little too “Blue Peter” which doesn’t do anything for the cool, and it’s hard to attract a wide audience when your clear intention is to educate.
The Big Bang Theory on the other hand is primarily a comedy but as it references scientific concepts it is subversively educating the audience. The show is Leonard and Sheldon and we the audience are Penny, as she learns so do we. The current Sci-fi boom in film should ignite interest in science but it also might deter interest as well. Leaving the cinema after watching Inception I overheard someone saying that his brain had never worked so hard in all his life, probably true but Inception is hardly String theory, in fact it’s hardly science.
Secrets of the Universe is important in that in its own BBC3 way, can change the attitude that many people have towards science. Along with other programmes and indeed films, it can become accessible, popular and ultimately cool, and nerdy will be the new sexy.

Stained Pants

It was reported this morning that councillors of Staines Town are considering changing the name to Staines-on-Thames as they believe this will make the town seem more attractive to investors. Residents of Staines will no doubt be donning their “this is an outrage” caps and furiously tutting and shaking their heads at such a notion while the rest of the nation, world and universe couldn’t give a shit.
If the theory that adding “-on-Thames” to a name increases the attractiveness why not add it to more things? Newport-on-Thames, Baghdad-on-Thames, and what about Susan Boyle-on-Thames? They are probably employing “style consultants” as we speak (I bet some prick has given himself that title), charging thousands of pounds to make Staines sexy with every idea inevitably being absolutely terrible yet costing unspeakable amounts of money.
Slough is going through something similar and is failing miserably. People may remember a few years ago the programme “Make Slough happy” and if you watched it and are wondering if it worked the answer is a resounding no. Slough is of course famous for The Office which gave the town quite a bad name yet it would benefit greatly if people like David Brent and Gareth Keenan actually lived there.
In the past year banners have been put up everywhere in Slough with slogans like “Proud to be Slough”. There are a few meanings of the word slough in the dictionary, my favourite being “A state of deep despair or moral degradation “ which sums Slough up perfectly. So does “Proud to be in a state of deep despair” really make Slough seem like a better place? Another banner simply says “The heart of Slough is beating”, I always read this as “The heart of Slough is beating you up and stealing your phone”. You can plaster every slogan thinkable over Slough but you will never make it sexy because it is a massive slab of concrete with a permanent grey cloud hanging over it not to dissimilar to my stereotypical image of Eastern Europe which I believe is what England looked like in the 70’s.
The landmark feature in Slough is Brunel Bus station which is currently having the Gok Wan treatment done to it and if true to the plans will end up looking like a giant chrome piece of abstract art.
Of course the simple solution is to change the name. Slough is a horrible name and not even Slough-on-Thames would improve it, maybe Rape-on-Thames but that’s not going far enough. My suggestion is to change it to something like Unicorn, or Ribbons, you know, something nice that doesn’t say despair.
Staines will still have a horrible name if it changes to Staines-on-Thames because the word Staines conjures connotations of dirt and mess and uncleanliness. Keep the -on-Thames bit, just change Staines to something nicer, or what about just naming it Stainless? That sounds better already.
Certain people are arguing that Staines has been given a bad name as the fictional character Ali G resided there but I’m sure that real people who are like Ali G do actually live in Staines. Ali G mentioned my home town a few times and like every place he mentioned it’s a shit hole so maybe he has given it a bad name. If Staines isn’t a very nice place then would changing the name make it a better place? No, of course it wouldn’t.

Awkward Situations #1

I’m not the most outgoing of guys, lets be truthful and say that I’m pretty shy. I like the idea of conversation and company but in action I am often flustered and either say very little or come off as a colossal knob. I don’t mean to be, you know me, read the 30 odd posts below and you’ll know that I’m not mean or angry and that I’m actually a lovely guy and by no means a knob (alright I’m clearly a bit of a knob).
I am totally fine around people I know, we have a rapport and we all get along, you think I‘m a bit of a knob but it‘s all ok and it to me it really is. If I don’t know you I will be stiff (that’s what she said), nervous, have very little to say and what I will say is a misjudged joke in an attempt to break the ice which will inevitably offend the new acquaintance. I am totally aware of this and like a domino effect it only makes me more nervous and a lot of the time I will remain totally silent, contemplating the worst possible situation. If I was to speak I might make a fool of myself, someone could be filming this and put it on youtube and I become an international phenomenon overnight I mean even the Queen sees it and decrees that I am the nation’s jester and I have to dance for everyone who demands it while they throw rotten tomatoes and used condoms (the modern day equivalent of rotten tomatoes) at me while the whole world points and laughs at me (even my cats).
So I don’t talk much. Where a normal person will meet another normal person and immediately have a relaxed conversation it will take me several meetings before I can have that relaxed conversation. It starts with “hello“, then “hello how are you?” Eventually “did you see that ludicrous display last night?” And before you know it a fully blown conversation. This process usually takes around three years providing I see you on a daily basis.
Unfortunately this effect isn’t permanent and with time wears off. Recently I have been bumping (quite regularly) into old friends. I managed to get to this point of conversing with them like a normal person and due to a prolonged absence have withered back into this little shy creature. I know I can talk to them, but there’s this additional pressure that I should have something to say and I should be able to talk to them but it’s like I’ve never met them and it’s even more awkward than talking to a total stranger!
Picture the scene, you’re walking down a high street, someone says “Dave!” (or whatever your name is (I don’t assume everyone is called Dave)), you turn around and it’s Dave! You know, you worked with him two years ago, you were never that close but you used to enjoy the conversations you had but that was when you had nothing else to do but talk to him, you’re on your way to KFC, you can’t have one of your hilarious banterations (it’s a word!) about the football nor can you really extract any detailed information to how he is doing in life nor can he with you. With your mind’s eye fixed on KFC and his on Subway you say hello as you’re still walking, but one of you stops, so the other has to stop as well and you are now locked into a verbal exchange but you know it can only last so long (unlike previous conversations which to be honest took a while to get going) so you don’t want to get into too much detail, just the basics and then you don’t want to seem like a dick and walk away and neither does he so you just stand in front of each other in total silence staring at each other, it’s fucking torture and then one of you says you’re really busy and the other says “yeah me too” and then you leave grateful that it didn’t last any longer.
To prevent this I have created the following formula:

Step one: You recognise an old friend/colleague/acquittance. If they recognise you go to step two, if they don't go to step four before they do.

Step two: Say hello, exchange pleasantries

Step three: Say goodbye

Step four: Walk away

With this universally put into place these awkward situations will be eradicated and I won't have to feel like such a knob, no one will. 

                                                                   

A Belated Breakfast

I think I’ve said this a few times before and like a broken record I’ll say it again, I’m not the most up-to-date kind of guy in the terms of, well everything. It takes me longer to do things than everyone else, much much longer. For a while during the first year of school I couldn’t pronounce my y’s and l’s and while every other kid said yellow I said nellow. If I’m honest I still don’t know if I’m pronouncing failure and volume correctly and I‘m too scared to ask for fear of looking like an idiot. I couldn’t swim until I was sixteen, I didn’t have a mobile phone until I was seventeen (I didn’t receive a phone call until I was eighteen), I didn’t pass my driving test until I was nineteen, I still throw like a girl (one who can’t throw very well), and until yesterday I had never seen The Breakfast Club.
I’m never the first in line for anything other than a party which I will always be unfashionably early to, so it’s perhaps no surprise that it’s taken this long to see The Breakfast Club. You might think that I’m prioritising the wrong things in life and you would be exactly right, I have a research report to write and my absolute hatred of it has led me to write about a 25 year old film, thus proving I cannot do anything on time. I couldn’t even grow punctually, I was one of the smallest people in my school year, and while I’m not hobbit size I’m by no means Andre the Giant.
I have avoided John Hughes films ever since I saw Ferris Bueller’s day off (about five years ago), a film I absolutely hated. To me Ferris Bueller was a total prick, he was obnoxious and annoying, was awful to his friends, he got away with everything and we’re supposed to think “yeah, what a cool guy”, and if you don’t then you’re the real prick. Maybe I just didn’t get it, or the film was making fun of squares like me, but I judged John Hughes’ career on this film.
It wasn’t until I got into the films (and comics) of Kevin Smith (again quite late) that I started to realise the importance of John Hughes in the world of film and literature. Just as most bands I like today were influenced by The Smiths, many films I like have been influenced by Hughes. I am sure that if it weren’t for my unpleasant Ferris Bueller experience I would have already seen most John Hughes films like I already love so many Smiths songs.
It’s not as if I thought John Hughes was shit, I just thought I wouldn’t like his films, I still might not like the rest of them for that matter. With my casual fanboyism of Kevin Smith, indie films and even Dawson’s Creek I have learned a lot about John Hughes, and it has become more evident over the past year that the kind of films I like have been influenced by Hughes. So it was time to finally see the film they all talk about when they mention John Hughes, no not Ferris Bueller, The Breakfast Club.
Since the Bueller-incident I have gone on to garner a love for 80’s movies, the whole decade encapsulates everything I love about film, from Back to the Future, to Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Die Hard, Stand by Me, The Goonies, The Karate Kid, Rain Man, it goes on. Films often reflect the eras they were made in, and while I’m no expert on American history (someone help me out here) I’m guessing the 80’s was a much better decade to live in than the 70’s (which saw such films as The Godfather and Taxi Driver).
This love of all things 80’s warmed me to The Breakfast Club, had I not seen so many 80’s movies this year I might not have been able to stomach it, it would have been too cheesy, too sentimental, too damn 80’s. It was all this but I didn’t mind, in fact it made it more enjoyable, these kind of films are almost a kind of escapism for me such is the difference in style between them and contemporary films. Aspects may be dated now but the themes are still relevant, and this would have no doubt been a film I would relate to and perhaps watch every day when I was still at school.

Unsurprisingly I related to Brian Johnson the most (we have the same birthday! OMGSPASM!), I was never a “brain” but I was most certainly a “dork”. The strength of this film is that while the characters are all archetypes of the typical school groups, everyone can relate to at least one character, if not all of them. What this film shows is that no matter where you stand in the school hierarchy, you all feel the same insecurities, the same pressure, and the same loneliness, and that the stereotypes of the social groups hide these feelings.
I’ve never seen a film so candid about adolescence, I grew up watching films like American Pie where the problem was not getting laid which seemed so far removed from my life at the time I couldn’t really relate to it, and when I did, it was something you could easily talk about. The problems the breakfast club have are ones you never usually talk about it, this makes their temporary friendship in the film the more significant, and one you can connect with.
Most films based in school are often skewed and don’t represent the true essence of what it’s like, take Twilight for example, a superficial smorgasbord of bullshit that is as believable as the concept of vampires. Other light hearted affairs show school to be this kooky balls out fun filled party and The Breakfast Club shows it as it really is, lonely.
It’s not all bad though, and as Judd Nelson pumps his fist it gives you the magical hope that you might just get the…oh wait I’m 23. Still, I loved this film, it’s my kind of thing, it’s not Back to the Future but what is? I suppose the moniker “better than Teen Wolf” will do. So now I begin a voyage of other John Hughes films, treading ever so carefully on the most treacherous of them all, Ferris Bueller’s day off. Expect a post soon about how freaking awesome I thought it was.

Sick in my mouth

This: http://music.uk.msn.com/features/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=150812425&ocid=today, is FUCKING DISGUSTING, the most vile piece of SHIT I have ever read!

“Built by Shanks, Raped by Yanks”

I don’t write much about football, in fact only one post has been about football thus far and that was the World Cup, which if you think about it, doesn’t really count. I have decided to break this tradition however, as the last week has shown that not only is football a waste of everyone’s time, but so is 24 hour news coverage.
We all know that football has become a business, if you didn’t, you do now, and it’s a shitting awful business, no club seems to be making a profit and even the biggest of them are in millions of pounds of debt. Footballers are often criticised for their stupidity, but evidently it’s the owners of the clubs that are the real morons, if there is one thing you don’t want to invest in, it’s football.
Only earlier today did Portsmouth announce that it’s very unlikely that they will still exist next week, and this makes you think, where is the money coming from? The general goal in running a football club is not making a profit from being thrifty and frugal, but through success and the riches it brings. Portsmouth are a perfect example that success doesn’t bring money so why even bother? Perhaps it’s easy running a football club, it’s just that the people doing it aren’t very good at it, or what’s more likely, is that you just simply can’t.
There is a lot of talk about the much dreaded player power, and how the players are ruining the game with their ridiculous wage demands and how they won’t go out on the pitch until they’ve fucked at least three prostitutes. While this is true, they only have as much power as you give them, and it’s the owners of the clubs who are enabling them to be such colossal cunts, and in Portsmouth’s case, putting a lot of ordinary workers at the club, out of a job.
The most recent example of player power comes from Wayne Rooney. Claiming Manchester United not to be as ambitious as he was, demanded a transfer, obviously forgetting he wouldn’t be able to leave until January and any such public statement would make him a hate figure until he left, and even then he would still be hated. Earlier today he signed a new contract, stating his rejuvenated love for the club, which definitely didn’t have anything to do with a pay rise.
How far will this go? If it works for one player, it will work for another, they kick up a fuss and get a pay rise, or, they move clubs and get a pay rise, it’s a win win situation, never mind that you’re team mates hate you, you’ve got loads of money, and you certainly didn’t have enough before.  
Its often noted that “the kids” are the future, and a lot of kids look up to the likes of Wayne Rooney, and when they see him pulling a despicable stunt like this, or repeatedly cheating on his wife (a well respected journalist!) with prostitutes, they will think that this is the right thing to do, and in fifteen years time we could have a scary number of Wayne Rooney type adults littering the country. Would it hurt if he was photographed reading a book every now and again? He wouldn’t have to read it, just pretend. Or he could be photographed in a children’s ward, pretending to treat a cancer stricken child. It might be a lie, but it’s certainly better than being sucked off by a prostitute in the back of a 4X4 in broad daylight (that was Jermaine Defoe), and by the way footballers, a “high class hooker” does not make it acceptable.

The media doesn’t help the situation, and any seemingly irrelevant piece of sports news is seen as IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS! The 24/7 news channels have covered nothing but Rooneygate for the last two days, Sky News literally running the story again and again, showing the same footage over and over, it’s not even news! Wayne Rooney isn’t going to play football for a different team, surely that can be said once and we all get over it.
Perhaps there was no other news today, but we had a football story running non stop last week, the buyout of Liverpool football club. With the coverage it received you would think that it would have at the very least a tiny consequence to the world, but no, a football club was sold. Liverpool fans took it seriously though, as if it was some kind of anti-war march. Hundreds of fans (clearly unemployed) were stood outside the stadium shouting at the American owners to shit the fuck off. There were banners that said things like “Thanks but no Yanks” and “Built by Shanks, Raped by Yanks” (or something like that). There were celebrations when the club was finally sold, though none of the fans seemed to mind that another American had bought the club, they probably didn’t notice the link.
It’s this 24/7 news coverage which is annoying, there is never enough news to be spread out over 24 minutes, let alone 24 hours, and as a result the same news is repeated every ten minutes, and this brand new trend of football dominating the news channels is turning the news (remember its aim is to be informative) into a 24/7 reality show starring Wayne Rooney. And why does all news have to be breaking news now? Surely it’s only breaking news for the first ten minutes and then it’s just normal news?
If football is to become even more prominent in the news then maybe we should incorporate actual important things into it. If we want to go to war with Iraq again we will play them at football. The next election will be decided with a football tournament, or more realistically, how many prostitutes Cameron and Milliband can fuck in 90 minutes.

Pomp and Circumstance

I wasn’t going to write about The X-Factor because, well, I wasn’t going to watch it. I have watched it in previous years, mainly because I was unaware of its turdness and didn’t want to be left out of a hundred conversations. How foolish of me! How could I not know it was the work of the devil? We are only a few weeks into the new series and I’m sad to report that I didn’t learn from my mistakes of yesteryear and I watched Sunday’s programme.

Well I watched 20 minutes, it’s all I could take. You see I had a lapse in concentration, I lost my focus, and I thought that if I am going to be irritated by a thousand conversations and arguments about the series then it might be slightly less irritating if I knew what they were on about. HOW WRONG I WAS.
My gripe with The X-Factor isn’t that it’s a talent show, and the fact that talent shows are ten a penny (or a dime a dozen, or even yen a ten (does that work?)), and are all the exact same thing whichever way they spin it. No, that’s a reason to hate ALL talent shows for sure, but there’s something about X-Factor that makes it more detestable than any other show, and that’s the whole pomp and circumstance of it all, like it’s the epitome of class and culture.

We are made to believe that the “judges” are these all powerful sentient beings who we have to kneel before and lavish them with whoops and gushes and “boy wouldn’t it be swell if we could be like them?”. It’s not the whole talentless pricks judging talent thing, I don’t mind that because it doesn’t take a talented person to tell if someone is talented. A lot of people do take offence to this though, seemingly forgetting that they are also talentless and yet still phone up every week voting for the contestant who they “judged” to be best.

What I find offensive is the fake personas the four of them have adopted. It worked for Gordon Ramsey and Alan Sugar, yes they are wankers in reality, but on screen they really wank it up an extra notch, kind of like a pantomime villain, but one who would punch a child in the audience. Simon Cowell’s head is so far up his own arsehole it’s on his shoulders. He’s not as mean as he used to be, and every so often he realises this and insults someone just to stay consistent with the persona. “That was the best performance of the night and err…actually you’re a cunt and I fucked your mother”. Louis Walsh and Dannniii Minogue talk a hell of a lot for people who have absolutely nothing to say, and there really is nothing left to say about them.

And then there’s Cheryl Cole. Revered by the nation like a goddess. Driven by her own ego her one goal is to be more popular than Cowell. She disagrees with absolutely everything he says, if he were ever to say that rape is wrong, she would say it’s right. If he were to say that Nigerian toilet attendants are great, she would punch one. The only thing more irritating than her is the people who idolise her. She has had a successful solo career despite releasing songs that can only be described as fuck awful, all because these people have bought into this horrible concept of the celebrity. Why would you want to be like her? She has nothing interesting to say, looks really aren’t everything.

The show treats its audience like they’re idiots, and they must be idiots if they’re still watching. The format of the show has been exactly the same year after year save for a few superficial tweaks. Nothing is surprising anymore, if you hear some sombre piano in the background you know a sob story about a woman who was eaten by a dog is coming. If anything new does occur, the producers make sure it is repeated, because hey, if the audience liked it first time round, why wouldn’t they like it a second time? And they do like it. Jedward were the new thing last year, an obviously shit entity whose only saving grace was the “comedy” of it all. This year of course we have a gay version of Jedward, and in future series there will now always be a terrible duo who provide some comic relief.

I said I watched 20 minutes of Sunday’s episode, and like all of the Sunday episodes from last year, it featured a musician who had a tour to promote. Clearly people will have bought tickets to see Usher upon seeing his performance, despite it consisting of him haphazardly shouting “Yeah” and “Come on” every now and again while dancing like he’s being attacked by a wasp.

The format of the Sunday show has already come under some hyperbolic criticism from The News of the World, where the headline “what the X is going on?” was used in reaction to that whore everyone seems to hate not going out. What the fuck is going on indeed. For this inconsequential event to make the front page of a national newspaper with such an aggressive headline is to suggest that this show is the only thing us Brits have to live for. People are throwing themselves off buildings in protest! If only!

Clungens and Dragons

A list of TV shows that at one time I rather liked:

Heroes
Prison Break
24
CSI
Family Guy
Scrubs
The O.C
Chucklevision
Joanie Loves Chachi

And now I fear that The Inbetweeners will soon be added to that list. When The Inbetweeners hit our screens in 2008 is was a breath of fresh air, kind of like Skins but good. I say that but I only watched Skins the one time and it felt like an expensive episode of Hollyoaks trying too hard to be cool and not capturing anything remotely realistic about my adolescence. We can’t all have grown up making films with Hugh Grant.
The Inbetweeners on the other hand wasn’t trying to be cool, it was trying to be funny, and it succeeded. It wasn’t totally akin to how I remember school but that didn’t really matter because the interaction between the four protagonists was often amusing and to an extent a realistic depiction of four teenage boys. Mix that with some embarrassing situations and you have quite an entertaining show.
Unfortunately the sharpness and wit of the first series (at least I remember there being some sharp wit) was mostly gone by the start of the second, replaced by a relentless barrage of crude obscenities. Saying clunge the tenth time is not as funny as the first time. The embarrassing situations are still there however, but they seem to be relying on them more and more as the series progresses, and if these situations don’t work, the episode generally fails. They don’t always have to be vulgar and disgusting either, Frank Spencer never got his dick out in public.
I was part of a four strong group of “inbetweeners” at school, the geekiest part though, and I no doubt dramatically lowered the coolness of the other three. Looking back I was punching above my weight, I still am. School was endlessly awkward for me, and usually consisted of trying not to get an erection, inevitably getting an erection, being too shy and embarrassed to talk to anyone, mocked for being shit at football (wasn‘t even that bad), bullied for being small and quiet, and insulted by my own friends. It was never about really embarrassing situations you could base a sitcom around, it was a culmination of all the little awkward things that made school so hard and humiliating, and maybe this is just me, but I spent most of my time narrowly avoiding embarrassing situations every day, possibly even every hour, rather than actually having them.
The Inbetweeners should in my opinion focus on the smaller things that make adolescence such a nightmare because the bigger things like shitting yourself in an exam or exposing a testicle in front of an audience don’t happen in real life, if they did you would never go back to school, you’d probably jump off a bridge.
The characters in The Inbetweeners have become very two dimensional. Jay, against all odds is the most realistic character in the show, there were dozens of people like him at school endlessly talking about sex, overcompensating for the fact that they weren’t having sex, as if everyone expects a 13 year old to be “knee deep in clunge” and you've failed at life if you're still a virgin before your SATS. I never understood that need to show off your (fake) sexual affluence. I remember one time in year 9 maths that someone said that a tit wank is better from a woman with small tits. Totally useless information for a 14 year old like me, or for the cunt who said it, I don’t even know if he was right either (answers on a postcard please). Another time in what must have been year 7, someone said that a woman should never be at the bottom of a 69 because they would choke. I absolutely hated these people, who wouldn’t?
Simon has the neurotic sensibilities that I assume a lot of people once had, or still have, which in a way helps you empathise with him and makes his experiences totally relatable. Will and Neil are probably the weakest of the four. Once you get that Will is intelligent, a square, and hates idiots, and that Neil is just an idiot, there’s not much comedy to come from them, and while Jay might be realistic, he says the same thing over and over, and it’s getting pretty tiresome now.
With the interactions between the four protagonists becoming much weaker and repetitive, it’s a shame there is such a little ensemble to mix things up, it’s like they go to the world’s smallest school. Any recurring characters are also quite two dimensional often showing only one personality trait, Donovan for example is supposedly hard, and every time he’s on screen we know exactly what he’s going to say.
Of course I’m the minority here, the show’s popularity seems to be at an all time high, probably because it’s so crude and Jay says minge and clunge a lot. It will only get more popular the more it uses mindless profanities because there are so many people who talk like that out there. Peep Show proves that you can be rude and intelligent at the same time and make something as small and simple as walking down a street or dancing as one of the most embarrassing things in the world. The problem with The Inbetweeners is that it’s sinking too low too fast, how is it going to get worse for them? Awkward moment after awkward moment only numbs the whole experience until it no longer seems that awkward. And we find things embarrassing because of what people will think of us, and as the cast of the show is so small, we cannot see the repercussions of their actions to the fully embarrassing extent that would happen in real life.
While the show may still have its moments now and again, the direction it is taking is not ftw (as geeks would say), maybe not for its audience, but for me certainly. With two dimensional characters, clunge, clunge, fucking clunge, and relying on the sit rather than the com, The Inbetweeners is not the show it used to be.

“Windows 8, you’re a dick if you don’t buy it”

I’m a PC. I’m a Mac. Windows 7 was my idea. The iPhone 4 changes everything, again. Yes, I have a problem with how Microsoft and Apple market their products. I was fine with it but I’ve come to realise that these annoying Windows 7 adverts aren’t going away. The first annoyingly smug bastard actor telling me that Windows 7 was his idea grinded my gears, and the latest one with the even more annoyingly smug bitch actor telling me in a way that couldn’t be more smug that Windows 7 was her fucking idea has annoyed me to the point of sitting at my laptop (using Windows 7) to write about how annoyed I am at it.
I have Windows 7. I have not used any of the “genius” ideas mentioned in all of the adverts, I haven’t even seen an opportunity where I can do something new. The whole point of this ad campaign and many like it are to say to the world how easy computers are to use, but these features haven’t changed how I use a computer one bit other than I have a nice looking green taskbar.
As if we don’t know how to use a computer anyway, it’s all a bit patronising, and adding irrelevant features nobody uses won’t help at all, nor will annoying adverts. The Windows 8 ad campaign will have the slogan “Windows 8, you’re a dick if you don’t buy it” which is pretty much Apple’s slogan for the iPhone.

"Fracking Machines"

True the iPhone did change the world of phones, but the slogan for the iPhone 4: “Changes everything again” is just calling all of us cunts, yes cunts, big hairy cunts. The iPhone 4 is just a newer iPhone, just like the iPad was a bigger iPhone that wasn’t actually a phone, it hasn’t changed anything. The big new feature for the iPhone 4 was its new sleek metal design, which actually stopped the phone from working well. Apple’s response was that if you buy a phone cover (from Apple of course) the problem would stop. Yes, the whole point of the metal rim was because it looked good and now you have to cover it up for the phone to work. Apple call us cunts, again.
They know we’re going to buy their shit anyway, we want it, it’s all new and shiny and does stuff, so why put us through this painful marketing? Maybe they think it works but if you show us an iPhone in dog shit we would still want it, it doesn’t mean you have to. Nor do you have to make Mitchell and Webb sell out and sell your product. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs already own our souls, they could at least make us feel good about it.

Dumbing Down

I’ve noticed a startling new trend in recent months which has reached new heights with the advert for the latest FIFA installment, FIFA 11. The days of well spoken narrators seem to be ending, and this worries me.
Television is perpetually dumbing down and it’s beginning to get quite condescending. Take BBC3’s documentary, 12 and Pregnant or whatever it’s called. As this show is typically about idiots or dare I say working class people, and most likely aimed at an audience of like minded people, they have a typically working class narrator in Eastender Natalie Cassidy. It’s as if they are suggesting that if you watch shit like this you are probably an idiot and won’t be able to understand anything with more than three syllables. It’s even suggesting that Natalie Cassidy is an idiot which even I think is harsh.
Supermarkets have taken this approach in their adverts. Waitrose and M&S have typically upper class narrators, Sainsbury’s have a middle class wanker in Jamie Oliver, and Tesco and Asda have gone the Cassidy route. I half expect government officials to start instructing you on which supermarket to shop at based on your elocution. If at any point you say “Is it?” when you’re not actually asking a question you’re not allowed to buy any food and you’re banished to a field to die. That’s what the Tories want.
If the narrator mirrors the intended audience, then the FIFA 11 advert suggests that its demographic is made up of cunts. In terms of marketing this must have an additional purpose other than communication. Imagine yourself to be one these cunts who would play FIFA 11 (easy for me, I own FIFA 10), you are watching TV and you see the FIFA advert, the narrator talks like you do, wow, he’s just like me, if he says to buy the game then I will buy the game for we are one. Wayne Rooney features in the advert and is on the cover, I wonder if there is a new mode this year where you can fuck a prostitute.
This kind of profiling is unfair because not everyone who watches 12 and Pregnant or plays FIFA is an absolute moron. If you go to Tesco it is not some kind of dystopian nightmare, not all the time anyway. I wasn’t aware that there was a problem of understanding well spoken narrators anyway. If I was any kind of paranoid I’d think this Epsilon narration is just a precursor to a greater class divide to the point where we end up with two separate species, the Morlocks and the Eloi. Thanks BBC3.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

It’s been a quiet month. Well, I haven’t had anything to write about all month, and I don’t have the credentials to write about politics or current affairs so it has been a pretty boring September. Of course I could have picked up the new Halo game and written about that, but I’ve been frugal and besides I bet I would sum it up as “not as good as the fanboys say it is”. There’s always the X-Factor show thing but it’s been the exact same thing since its inception only with slightly different faces.

"Bodacious"

I did read today though a rumour that Keanu Reeves would be interested in a third Bill & Ted movie, finally a tiny vague subject matter I can write about. Before I get excited or even horrified at the thought of another movie, this probably will never happen. Bill & Ted were two teenage “slackers”, and Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter are now in their mid-forties and it would take a genius to make this film work.
While this is only a rumour it would be no surprise if this went into production because we are currently in an age of reboots and remakes and anything can happen. We’ve already seen a new Karate Kid, Freddy Krueger, Perseus and Predator(s) this year, and despite none of these really being that successful, it seems there are hundreds of reboots in production trying to capture the same success as Nolan’s Batman or Abrams’ Star Trek.
The problem with reboots is that they aren’t particularly necessary. There is no point in remaking an already great film (or even a good one) because it won’t be better than the original. Every year or so I hear a rumour about a Back to the Future remake, the last one I heard was that Justin Bieber would play Marty McFly. We probably never have to worry about such a tragedy because I like to believe that not even Justin Bieber would think it’s a good idea.
It seems that reboots are for those films that had potential, but were never actually that good. We've seen this year though that the reboots are still not actually that good. Clash of the Fucking Titans! If you were judging a film by its title that would win hands down. If you have a name like that you have to make sure that you have Titans clashing in your movie. Sure Liam Neeson was very shiny, but was it an improvement on the original? Still, they’re making a sequel.

Because of this, I don’t like the idea of making an average film into a better one because it seems like it can’t be done. The only reboots that have worked have been for existing franchises that were already good, where there were still more stories to be told, the characters still had room to develop, and new technology had created the potential to show something the original films couldn’t. Who did this perfectly? That pesky J.J. Abrams that’s who. The latest Star Trek film should be the template for all other reboots (not that a template should be used). Star Trek’s greatest achievement was to get people who thought Star Trek was shit (like me) to actually like it, a colossal feat.
The majority of announced reboots are unsurprisingly comic book movies and it appears that this will never end. When The Avengers movie finally comes out, which has been hyped so much it’s surely the comic book movie to end all comic book movies, what happens? They just reboot every attached franchise and we have to start all over again, but with less chance of something original being made.
If you take a look at the upcoming or rumoured reboots/remakes you will probably grimace your face off. Conan, Red Sonja, Highlander, Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Police Academy, Buffy (The Movie (!?!?!?)), Tomb Raider, the list goes on. It’s like taking all those films you watched as a child, a lot of them you didn’t like, and then making you watch them again, no wait, it’s exactly that. Why can’t we just watch the good ones?
It’s not all bad because Ghostbusters 3 might eventually be made, and it might, it just might, not be shit…but probably will be. Karl Urban has been announced as the new Judge Dredd, and Alex Garland will be writing the script so that might, just might not be shit…but probably will be. James Franco will be in the new Planet of the Apes film, which might not be shit but probably will be. That’s the best we can hope for with reboots, for them not to be shit. If a Bill and Ted reboot is announced, I will be praying it’s not shit.

“The only soul I have is on the bottom of my feet“

I saw this the other day. We have Scary Movie to blame for this. What began as a simple lampooning of horror movies mutated into a torturous franchise of badly written, directed, and acted shitfests referencing whatever successful films were about at the time. We’ve had Date Movie, Epic Movie, Movie Movie (probably), and now that even the retarded of retards have fathomed that anything with “movie” as a suffix is shit, they have had such titles as Meet the Spartans, Stan Helsing, and now, Vampires Suck.
Of course vampires do suck, they suck blood, and they suck as in they are shit. Making a truly dreadful vampire film (I don’t need to see it to know) about how bad vampire films are is kind of like raping people to show them how bad rape is.
Twilight is bad, but Vampires Suck will be worse. Do the writers, actors, and studio not know this? Of course they don’t, that’s why they made it. These films have no soul (much like a vampire), they are essentially a 90 minute tasteless joke, told by some obnoxious prick who thinks he’s the funniest thing since sliced bread (has me in stitches), and he isn’t, he’s that guy at a party you stay away from.
Scary Movie worked in a sense that it made fun of clichés, it just did it badly. What the latest efforts (if you can call them that) do is make fun of other films, it doesn‘t matter if the jokes don‘t work. A vampire spoof film should make fun of the clichés of vampire films, and there’s plenty of them. Vampires Suck appears to have just made fun of Twilight and Alice in Wonderland, just in case you wanted to see Vampires Suck but hadn’t seen Twilight and needed a joke you’d understand. There have already been vampire spoofs, Dracula: Dead and Loving it, and the Horne and Corden craptacular, Lesbian Vampire Killers, do we really need another? We didn’t need those two.
Vampires have changed a lot in recent years. The classic gothic movement of vampires has gone, and yes the whole damn thing is so pathetic it has eras. Fuck off Dracula, we want moody dickheads dressed in black leather. As much as I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I was darn obsessed with it, it does nothing but bring me misery these days. Those people who loved it more than I did, thought to themselves that they could totally write their own vampire TV series or novels. One of those people was Stephanie Meyer.
The first three seasons of Buffy featured a love story between Buffy and Angel, a moody vampire in leather. Twilight is a love story about a moody whining bitch (based on Meyer I assume) who is inexplicably attracted to a moody and incredibly dull vampire with a misshapen face. They would be identical would it not be for the eternal blabbering of Meyer’s protagonist. Yeah, I’ve read some of the Twilight series, and it’s fucking awful. Team Twilight or whatever they call themselves (Team Cunts?) would say that I’m just trying to be cool by criticising it, but it really is bad, perhaps the worst piece of fiction I have ever read. Fair enough I don’t care for the content, but judging purely on writing style, I can’t think of anything worse, and this has sold millions of copies, shame on you world.
What I read of Twilight was just an angsty teenage girl whinging about nothing for pages and pages, it only stopped when I threw the book away. Before you say “why did you buy the book then?” I didn’t buy it, I read someone else’s copy, and you know who you are!
I even saw half of the first film on a plane. As a vampire film it doesn’t work. As a love story it doesn’t work. As a teen drama it doesn’t work. As a werewolf film it doesn’t work. Nothing has ever been so bad on so many levels. Yet it has made millions and millions of dollars and Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner have all become award winning A-list stars despite not being able to act very well.
The whole Team Jacob, Team Edward thing has become so big it’s not even synonymous with the franchise anymore. Of course, R-Patz is just a tortured prisoner of his own fame, and really really just wants to be left alone. FUCK OFF. This faux misery he puts on might be more believable if he could hide the constant smirk from his face that says “I fucking love being me”. It may have been extremely shallow to make the previously unremarkable Taylor whatshisname into chiselled hunk Taylor Lautner! But at least he’s grateful for it. No one cared about him in the first movie, he does a few sit ups and OMFG!
It’s not just Twilight that irks me, it’s vampires in general, I don’t get them. I liked Buffy, but that was because I liked Buffy. The appearance of vampires has changed, but the character still remains the same, and this is what I hate. A dark, mysterious cavalier man with dreadful dialogue (“The only soul I have is on the bottom of my feet“ - probably an actual quote), seduces and murders every woman he meets. In other words, an arrogant womanising twat, or Calum Best. The bad boys are always catching women’s eyes apparently, and perhaps that is the attraction to vampires. True Blood after all is essentially just vampire porn for the masses.
Franchise after franchise is a little too much, and a “movie” movie pointing this out only adds to my pain. Maybe, and I’m just brainstorming, instead of making all these franchises, desperate men can start dressing in black and be moody and womanising, and the women who find this attractive can fuck them and write about it in their diaries and no one else has to know. Just a thought.