“The only soul I have is on the bottom of my feet“

I saw this the other day. We have Scary Movie to blame for this. What began as a simple lampooning of horror movies mutated into a torturous franchise of badly written, directed, and acted shitfests referencing whatever successful films were about at the time. We’ve had Date Movie, Epic Movie, Movie Movie (probably), and now that even the retarded of retards have fathomed that anything with “movie” as a suffix is shit, they have had such titles as Meet the Spartans, Stan Helsing, and now, Vampires Suck.
Of course vampires do suck, they suck blood, and they suck as in they are shit. Making a truly dreadful vampire film (I don’t need to see it to know) about how bad vampire films are is kind of like raping people to show them how bad rape is.
Twilight is bad, but Vampires Suck will be worse. Do the writers, actors, and studio not know this? Of course they don’t, that’s why they made it. These films have no soul (much like a vampire), they are essentially a 90 minute tasteless joke, told by some obnoxious prick who thinks he’s the funniest thing since sliced bread (has me in stitches), and he isn’t, he’s that guy at a party you stay away from.
Scary Movie worked in a sense that it made fun of clichés, it just did it badly. What the latest efforts (if you can call them that) do is make fun of other films, it doesn‘t matter if the jokes don‘t work. A vampire spoof film should make fun of the clichés of vampire films, and there’s plenty of them. Vampires Suck appears to have just made fun of Twilight and Alice in Wonderland, just in case you wanted to see Vampires Suck but hadn’t seen Twilight and needed a joke you’d understand. There have already been vampire spoofs, Dracula: Dead and Loving it, and the Horne and Corden craptacular, Lesbian Vampire Killers, do we really need another? We didn’t need those two.
Vampires have changed a lot in recent years. The classic gothic movement of vampires has gone, and yes the whole damn thing is so pathetic it has eras. Fuck off Dracula, we want moody dickheads dressed in black leather. As much as I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I was darn obsessed with it, it does nothing but bring me misery these days. Those people who loved it more than I did, thought to themselves that they could totally write their own vampire TV series or novels. One of those people was Stephanie Meyer.
The first three seasons of Buffy featured a love story between Buffy and Angel, a moody vampire in leather. Twilight is a love story about a moody whining bitch (based on Meyer I assume) who is inexplicably attracted to a moody and incredibly dull vampire with a misshapen face. They would be identical would it not be for the eternal blabbering of Meyer’s protagonist. Yeah, I’ve read some of the Twilight series, and it’s fucking awful. Team Twilight or whatever they call themselves (Team Cunts?) would say that I’m just trying to be cool by criticising it, but it really is bad, perhaps the worst piece of fiction I have ever read. Fair enough I don’t care for the content, but judging purely on writing style, I can’t think of anything worse, and this has sold millions of copies, shame on you world.
What I read of Twilight was just an angsty teenage girl whinging about nothing for pages and pages, it only stopped when I threw the book away. Before you say “why did you buy the book then?” I didn’t buy it, I read someone else’s copy, and you know who you are!
I even saw half of the first film on a plane. As a vampire film it doesn’t work. As a love story it doesn’t work. As a teen drama it doesn’t work. As a werewolf film it doesn’t work. Nothing has ever been so bad on so many levels. Yet it has made millions and millions of dollars and Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner have all become award winning A-list stars despite not being able to act very well.
The whole Team Jacob, Team Edward thing has become so big it’s not even synonymous with the franchise anymore. Of course, R-Patz is just a tortured prisoner of his own fame, and really really just wants to be left alone. FUCK OFF. This faux misery he puts on might be more believable if he could hide the constant smirk from his face that says “I fucking love being me”. It may have been extremely shallow to make the previously unremarkable Taylor whatshisname into chiselled hunk Taylor Lautner! But at least he’s grateful for it. No one cared about him in the first movie, he does a few sit ups and OMFG!
It’s not just Twilight that irks me, it’s vampires in general, I don’t get them. I liked Buffy, but that was because I liked Buffy. The appearance of vampires has changed, but the character still remains the same, and this is what I hate. A dark, mysterious cavalier man with dreadful dialogue (“The only soul I have is on the bottom of my feet“ - probably an actual quote), seduces and murders every woman he meets. In other words, an arrogant womanising twat, or Calum Best. The bad boys are always catching women’s eyes apparently, and perhaps that is the attraction to vampires. True Blood after all is essentially just vampire porn for the masses.
Franchise after franchise is a little too much, and a “movie” movie pointing this out only adds to my pain. Maybe, and I’m just brainstorming, instead of making all these franchises, desperate men can start dressing in black and be moody and womanising, and the women who find this attractive can fuck them and write about it in their diaries and no one else has to know. Just a thought.