I am totally fine around people I know, we have a rapport and we all get along, you think I‘m a bit of a knob but it‘s all ok and it to me it really is. If I don’t know you I will be stiff (that’s what she said), nervous, have very little to say and what I will say is a misjudged joke in an attempt to break the ice which will inevitably offend the new acquaintance. I am totally aware of this and like a domino effect it only makes me more nervous and a lot of the time I will remain totally silent, contemplating the worst possible situation. If I was to speak I might make a fool of myself, someone could be filming this and put it on youtube and I become an international phenomenon overnight I mean even the Queen sees it and decrees that I am the nation’s jester and I have to dance for everyone who demands it while they throw rotten tomatoes and used condoms (the modern day equivalent of rotten tomatoes) at me while the whole world points and laughs at me (even my cats).
So I don’t talk much. Where a normal person will meet another normal person and immediately have a relaxed conversation it will take me several meetings before I can have that relaxed conversation. It starts with “hello“, then “hello how are you?” Eventually “did you see that ludicrous display last night?” And before you know it a fully blown conversation. This process usually takes around three years providing I see you on a daily basis.
Unfortunately this effect isn’t permanent and with time wears off. Recently I have been bumping (quite regularly) into old friends. I managed to get to this point of conversing with them like a normal person and due to a prolonged absence have withered back into this little shy creature. I know I can talk to them, but there’s this additional pressure that I should have something to say and I should be able to talk to them but it’s like I’ve never met them and it’s even more awkward than talking to a total stranger!
Picture the scene, you’re walking down a high street, someone says “Dave!” (or whatever your name is (I don’t assume everyone is called Dave)), you turn around and it’s Dave! You know, you worked with him two years ago, you were never that close but you used to enjoy the conversations you had but that was when you had nothing else to do but talk to him, you’re on your way to KFC, you can’t have one of your hilarious banterations (it’s a word!) about the football nor can you really extract any detailed information to how he is doing in life nor can he with you. With your mind’s eye fixed on KFC and his on Subway you say hello as you’re still walking, but one of you stops, so the other has to stop as well and you are now locked into a verbal exchange but you know it can only last so long (unlike previous conversations which to be honest took a while to get going) so you don’t want to get into too much detail, just the basics and then you don’t want to seem like a dick and walk away and neither does he so you just stand in front of each other in total silence staring at each other, it’s fucking torture and then one of you says you’re really busy and the other says “yeah me too” and then you leave grateful that it didn’t last any longer.
To prevent this I have created the following formula:
Step one: You recognise an old friend/colleague/acquittance. If they recognise you go to step two, if they don't go to step four before they do.
Step two: Say hello, exchange pleasantries
Step three: Say goodbye
Step four: Walk away
With this universally put into place these awkward situations will be eradicated and I won't have to feel like such a knob, no one will.
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