It’s perhaps a little clichéd of myself to come out and say I despise the X-Factor, but hey what, of course I do, and I despise it more than I did last year. The reason for this is because I didn’t watch it last year, but like a serpent handing out free apples it was too hard to resist and I just had to watch it to see what’s going to happen to my country.
Every year it’s always the same, that’s what I’ve always said, but surprisingly this year it has evolved. No, not the new judges, they’re exactly the same as the last, but the contestants are different. We’ve had gimmicks in the past but with the ever increasing popularity of Twitter we now have trends, and that’s what the contestants are this year, sixteen trends. It doesn’t matter if they can’t sing, we just want to talk about them.
Take Essex girls 2 Shoes for example, or as I like to call them, Two Shoes, or Matt Lucas and David Walliams in drag. Everything about these girls is fucking awful, but they’re from Essex, and even as Tulisa spelled out for us all, Essex is very “current” right now. Yes, because TOWIE has become inexplicably popular so to has anyone from Essex. The stereotype is that everyone from Essex is a horrible human being, they’re stupid, they’re orange, they’re self obsessed, and watching them makes us feel good about ourselves, but it also aggrandises the act of being from Essex. If these were two stupid orange girls from Wiltshire we wouldn’t give a fuck, but because Essex is “current” we do give a fuck. Say something Essex! “This is so emosh” HAHAHA, do something Essex! “I’m so happy being pregs” HAHAHA, she’s pregnant, typical Essex. They’re singing a cheesy song in a pink car, and she’s smeared lipstick all over her face and she looks like one of the Joker’s henchmen, HAHAHA, typical Essex.
Apart from talking about people from Essex, we like to talk about people who are just total wankers, and that’s what Frankie “The Virgin” Cuntcozza is to his parents. For everyone else, he’s worse. I admire the X-Factor producers for their meticulous research and ability to find the smallest thing and fucking run with it. For Frankie they found out (without too much trouble I imagine) that he has some girl’s names tattooed on his arse. That’s dynamite! Let’s run with that, we’ll portray him as a lothario and girls will love him. Why? Why would they love him? He’s a prick who’s admitted he’s only in the competition to fuck girls, he’s going to use his fame to take advantage on vulnerable girls with low self esteem. He should be put on the register, but girls do apparently love him, shouting such inanity as “why r u so fit?” (that’s how she’d spell it). People who brag about having sex are the people who don’t have sex, and it won’t be a surprise that his sob story will be all about how he’s a virgin. For now, he’s just a cunt.
Cuntcozza will only cater for a relatively small hatred demographic, so they needed someone we can all hate and that’s why they’ve put the mentalist Kitty through. Anyone with the name Kitty who is not an actual cat is likely to be a mentalist. That’s the clue and the producers probably looked out for the name on applications. Ah Kitty! Get her in here right now! And fortunately for the producers, she is a mentalist and could potentially be the most hated contestant in the show’s history. Twitter went livid when she got through to the final sixteen, but they should be happy, they get to talk in anger about her for the next twelve weeks. People will vote for her just so they can carry on hating her.
At least Kitty sings though, the majority of this year’s contestants are intent on rapping their way through the “competition“, because Cher Lloyd was a hit wasn’t she? Urban music has become the most popular music so it kind of makes sense that the contestants are rapping, but really it doesn’t. They’re not saying anything political or profound, there is no wisdom or nous emanating from their mouths, they are just saying things, or just as Rhythmix (or shitmix) did this weekend, they’re just copying what someone else said. The talent is in what you say, not how you say it, covering someone else’s bars (I’m streets ahead) is redundant. Reciting Wordsworth does not make me a poet, reciting Niki Minaj does not make me a rapper.
The next twelve weeks are superfluous though because they’ve already found their winner. She can sing, she makes up her own raps, her surname is a single letter, yes, Misha B looks like she’s already won. They give her the most popular song of the year, they give her the most extravagant outfit, they give her the most dancers, and they even sit her in a fucking throne. They want you to vote for Misha B and they’ll manipulate you into it. There is no free will in The X-Factor and that’s why I hate it, it’s a totalitarian nightmare. If we don’t vote for Misha B then they’re going to put another contestant on a pedestal (literally) and manipulate us into voting for them. The only way out of this Orwellian torment is altruism, we all stop watching it and then they’ll just have to stop. But then what would we talk about?
Showing posts with label X-Factor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label X-Factor. Show all posts
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Monday, 8 August 2011
Swagger
A blogger living on the outskirts of London should be shitting themselves over the weekend’s events. I however lack any kind of political savvy. That’s not to say I’m an idiot, but I cannot honestly write a piece about the Tottenham riots without parading my ignorance all over the interweb. It’s easy to say “it’s a fucking disgrace!” and “something should be done about it!”, it’s easy to make bad jokes, but what isn’t easy is to write something factually sound which provides a new opinion, and one you can take seriously. I’m not a journalist, I’m a dickhead, and as such I won’t be having any ideas above my station.
Somewhere down my level and grinding my gears is the current state of music. As we all know, music is subjective and as such is very difficult to evaluate, whether it’s praise or criticism. The same is true for any form of art, but people seem to get a little more obstreperous when it comes to music. Saying you don’t like my favourite film is to an extent understandable, but if you diss my favourite band I’ll go ape shit, and so will you if I diss yours. Why are they good? It’s hard to analyse music and defend it, other than the statement “it’s good” there aren’t many other punches you can throw. If your “it’s good” is countered with a “it’s shit” it comes down to a majority opinion, and if there are more shits than there are goods then sadly you’re wrong, and your favourite band is shit. I’ll brazenly declare Coldplay and N-Dubz as excrement but how can I prove it? This cannot be done by one man alone, and in a world where half the population are below the average I.Q it’s impossible. I’m not saying that stupid people like N-Dubz, but if they knew better they wouldn’t.
So we can’t prove that music is good or bad, and in that sense it’s a bit like Schrodinger’s cat. Maybe we should put Dappy in a sealed box with a vial of poison. Why? Because he’s a cunt. That we can prove. Worryingly, we can’t prove that Cher Lloyd’s Swagger Jagger - which made it to number one yesterday - is a pile of shite. It’s my opinion that it’s the biggest piece of wank ever to be recorded, it offers nothing to the world, it’s an insult to everyone living, everyone that has lived, everyone who has yet to live, to animals, to plants, to atoms, to electrons, to neutrinos, it is offensive to everything, it’s a fucking disgrace and something should be done about it! I can’t prove it's shit though. Objectively it’s not and this is frustrating. If anything its success suggests that it is in fact good.
It’s likely that mostly kids bought the single, but it’s out there now, it’s on TV, it’s on the radio, and it’ll become increasingly difficult to avoid and the mere knowledge that it’s out there is enough to piss me off. There’ll even be a few adults who bought it. We don’t trust kids with a vote so why do these cunts get one as well?
Knowing that the song is pure terrible, why has it made it to number one? It sounds like a bad Alesha Dixon b-side (and they must all be bad) but she’s never got a number one, there must be another reason. Cher Lloyd was of course an X-Factor contestant, and being on TV for several weeks appears to be the X-Factor. It’s nothing to do with talent or image, it’s all about exposure, and the X-Factor is the perfect vehicle to sell an artist to kids and idiots. Mr Blobby, the Teletubbies, and Bob the Builder have all been massively popular TV characters who have had number ones, and Cher Lloyd is no different to them. She’s the same gimmick only sold to a slightly older demographic. I can’t objectively prove that Cher Lloyd is shit, but I can compare her to Mr cunting Blobby. I’ll take that.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Reasons to hate 2010: Part Two
Alice In Wonderland
Much like Avatar, Alice in Wonderland was a financial success and another purveyor of that silly 3D thing. I didn’t have any expectations going into the cinema to see Alice but somehow I still left the cinema quite bitter that I had spent £10.50 on such a pile of shite.
Alice in Wonderland is a perfect argument to why 3D is the scourge of all that is holy in the world of cinema. 3D distracts the audience from the art on the screen (or lack of it), people have paid extra for the 3D effects so they want to be wowed by them, shock and awe! Many films have been more of technological demo of 3D than a well told story and the success of these films rests predominantly on the quality of the effects.
In Alice’s case the effects weren’t up to scratch. Before that fateful night I walked into the cinema I had only seen two films in 3D, the wonderful Up and of course Avatar, I thought this was what all 3D looked like, good, but I was wrong. This is a film that needed the 3D to distract us from everything else, it needed to wow but all it did was illicit groans. I haven’t watched a film in 3D since, if you wear glasses at the cinema you will now how irritating and uncomfortable it is to wear two pairs of glasses, the last thing you need is to go through a horrible ordeal like Alice in Wonderland again.
In a way the 3D has distracted us from the film because it made over a billion dollars at the box office despite being fuck awful. The dollars dictate that the film was a success but it should be seen as a failure. It was a sequel of sorts but re-treaded every little detail of the original story so much so that it was more a remake if anything. Every introduction of a new character felt forced, it was like one of those rides where you’re in a little car and you slowly meander through a fairy tale world seeing one thing after the other. Perhaps it’s what the executives wanted and it’s hard to tell them they were wrong when they’re a billion dollars richer.
The same goes for Johnny Depp, how do you tell him his films aren’t very good when they make so much money? Depp does the kooky shit better than anyone else in the business but when you play a weird kooky character in every film they all become quite normal because that’s what we‘ve come to expect. It’s hard to relate or connect with any of his characters because they are so cartoon like, and in a way he’s become as two dimensional as Vin Diesel. I’m not saying these two men share the same talents but it would be interesting to see Depp portray a normal guy every now and again.
You can hate Alice in Wonderland for being a terrible film and that’s fine, but you should really hate it along with Avatar for starting the 3D trend, and above all, for taking £10.50 out of my pocket.
The X-Factor
So I pretty much successfully avoided The X-Factor this year, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a go at it. Talent shows are like rapists and murderers, they’re out there, you can try to avoid them, but sometimes you just can’t. I certainly felt violated when I saw a young girl in a tracksuit rapping, and there’s not a word to describe how I felt when I saw an audience applauding what was clearly a paedophile.
It’s all about gimmicks in The X-Factor now, oh look at Jedward, they’re mentally ill and fun aren’t they? Let’s have more of that, two gay guys? Check! A fat Irish woman? Check! A paedophile? Let’s have two! But what about the kids? Yes! Let’s put some kids in there! The only thing that will increase the ratings than Usher shouting at us will be a live molestation of One Direction.
If you are offended by that then you are almost as offended as I am by this show. It’s not entertainment, it’s a business, and it’s certainly not music, it’s just a fancy karaoke. Yet it is still one of most popular shows on television, everyone talks about it and it’s undeniably shit. It’s like Simon Cowell is throwing the same piece of shit at you again and again and you’re just fine with it, actually no simile is needed that’s exactly what it is.
It’s the same thing over and over but that’s what the public likes, just how have Eastenders and Corrie remained so popular over the years? By being the same thing over and over and over, that’s how. They could repeat the first series of The X-Factor next year and no one would know. “Oh Cheryl looks amazing!” “That’s Sharon Osbourne.” “She can look however she wants she’s had a tough time with the divorce and the malaria“, OH FUCK OFF! If we can accept cunts like Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and Gordon Ramsey (I wish that was shit and not Gin being poured on him) then of course we’re going to idolise someone who’s only slightly a bit twatty.
It doesn’t end with the show because the charts are full of former winners and contestants and even judges, theatres are full of them, it all gets too much for you so you book a holiday, you go to Butlins and they’re fucking there as well! You’ve had enough of it but not to the point that you start listening to Rage Against the Machine. For a rage against the machine it was a very well organised campaign that actually required people to do what they’re told, take that consumerism! As predictable as the show itself, every December there will be hundreds of campaigns trying to debase The X-Factor and prevent it from having the Christmas number one. While we’re on this subject, who gives a fuck about the Christmas number one anyway? It’s not like there’s a prize of immortality for the winner. I agree that The X-Factor winner’s single is dreadful but the way I deal with that is that I don’t buy or listen to it, I don’t like Rage Against the Machine so I don’t buy or listen to their music, these campaigns are as dictatorial as The X-Factor is and buying something else because someone told you is worse. People will buy the single, and they’ll buy the Matt Cardle book (YES HE HAS A FUCKING BOOK!) and if you have a problem with that then it’s sort of like having a problem with idiots, and you’re no better than the Nazis.
I planned to write about other things that annoyed me in 2010 but looking back over the inaugural year of the rascal I’ve pretty much covered everything that could irritate a twat with too much time on his hands.
Much like Avatar, Alice in Wonderland was a financial success and another purveyor of that silly 3D thing. I didn’t have any expectations going into the cinema to see Alice but somehow I still left the cinema quite bitter that I had spent £10.50 on such a pile of shite.
Alice in Wonderland is a perfect argument to why 3D is the scourge of all that is holy in the world of cinema. 3D distracts the audience from the art on the screen (or lack of it), people have paid extra for the 3D effects so they want to be wowed by them, shock and awe! Many films have been more of technological demo of 3D than a well told story and the success of these films rests predominantly on the quality of the effects.
In Alice’s case the effects weren’t up to scratch. Before that fateful night I walked into the cinema I had only seen two films in 3D, the wonderful Up and of course Avatar, I thought this was what all 3D looked like, good, but I was wrong. This is a film that needed the 3D to distract us from everything else, it needed to wow but all it did was illicit groans. I haven’t watched a film in 3D since, if you wear glasses at the cinema you will now how irritating and uncomfortable it is to wear two pairs of glasses, the last thing you need is to go through a horrible ordeal like Alice in Wonderland again.
In a way the 3D has distracted us from the film because it made over a billion dollars at the box office despite being fuck awful. The dollars dictate that the film was a success but it should be seen as a failure. It was a sequel of sorts but re-treaded every little detail of the original story so much so that it was more a remake if anything. Every introduction of a new character felt forced, it was like one of those rides where you’re in a little car and you slowly meander through a fairy tale world seeing one thing after the other. Perhaps it’s what the executives wanted and it’s hard to tell them they were wrong when they’re a billion dollars richer.
The same goes for Johnny Depp, how do you tell him his films aren’t very good when they make so much money? Depp does the kooky shit better than anyone else in the business but when you play a weird kooky character in every film they all become quite normal because that’s what we‘ve come to expect. It’s hard to relate or connect with any of his characters because they are so cartoon like, and in a way he’s become as two dimensional as Vin Diesel. I’m not saying these two men share the same talents but it would be interesting to see Depp portray a normal guy every now and again.
You can hate Alice in Wonderland for being a terrible film and that’s fine, but you should really hate it along with Avatar for starting the 3D trend, and above all, for taking £10.50 out of my pocket.
The X-Factor
So I pretty much successfully avoided The X-Factor this year, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a go at it. Talent shows are like rapists and murderers, they’re out there, you can try to avoid them, but sometimes you just can’t. I certainly felt violated when I saw a young girl in a tracksuit rapping, and there’s not a word to describe how I felt when I saw an audience applauding what was clearly a paedophile.
It’s all about gimmicks in The X-Factor now, oh look at Jedward, they’re mentally ill and fun aren’t they? Let’s have more of that, two gay guys? Check! A fat Irish woman? Check! A paedophile? Let’s have two! But what about the kids? Yes! Let’s put some kids in there! The only thing that will increase the ratings than Usher shouting at us will be a live molestation of One Direction.
If you are offended by that then you are almost as offended as I am by this show. It’s not entertainment, it’s a business, and it’s certainly not music, it’s just a fancy karaoke. Yet it is still one of most popular shows on television, everyone talks about it and it’s undeniably shit. It’s like Simon Cowell is throwing the same piece of shit at you again and again and you’re just fine with it, actually no simile is needed that’s exactly what it is.
It’s the same thing over and over but that’s what the public likes, just how have Eastenders and Corrie remained so popular over the years? By being the same thing over and over and over, that’s how. They could repeat the first series of The X-Factor next year and no one would know. “Oh Cheryl looks amazing!” “That’s Sharon Osbourne.” “She can look however she wants she’s had a tough time with the divorce and the malaria“, OH FUCK OFF! If we can accept cunts like Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and Gordon Ramsey (I wish that was shit and not Gin being poured on him) then of course we’re going to idolise someone who’s only slightly a bit twatty.
It doesn’t end with the show because the charts are full of former winners and contestants and even judges, theatres are full of them, it all gets too much for you so you book a holiday, you go to Butlins and they’re fucking there as well! You’ve had enough of it but not to the point that you start listening to Rage Against the Machine. For a rage against the machine it was a very well organised campaign that actually required people to do what they’re told, take that consumerism! As predictable as the show itself, every December there will be hundreds of campaigns trying to debase The X-Factor and prevent it from having the Christmas number one. While we’re on this subject, who gives a fuck about the Christmas number one anyway? It’s not like there’s a prize of immortality for the winner. I agree that The X-Factor winner’s single is dreadful but the way I deal with that is that I don’t buy or listen to it, I don’t like Rage Against the Machine so I don’t buy or listen to their music, these campaigns are as dictatorial as The X-Factor is and buying something else because someone told you is worse. People will buy the single, and they’ll buy the Matt Cardle book (YES HE HAS A FUCKING BOOK!) and if you have a problem with that then it’s sort of like having a problem with idiots, and you’re no better than the Nazis.
I planned to write about other things that annoyed me in 2010 but looking back over the inaugural year of the rascal I’ve pretty much covered everything that could irritate a twat with too much time on his hands.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Pomp and Circumstance
I wasn’t going to write about The X-Factor because, well, I wasn’t going to watch it. I have watched it in previous years, mainly because I was unaware of its turdness and didn’t want to be left out of a hundred conversations. How foolish of me! How could I not know it was the work of the devil? We are only a few weeks into the new series and I’m sad to report that I didn’t learn from my mistakes of yesteryear and I watched Sunday’s programme.
Well I watched 20 minutes, it’s all I could take. You see I had a lapse in concentration, I lost my focus, and I thought that if I am going to be irritated by a thousand conversations and arguments about the series then it might be slightly less irritating if I knew what they were on about. HOW WRONG I WAS.
My gripe with The X-Factor isn’t that it’s a talent show, and the fact that talent shows are ten a penny (or a dime a dozen, or even yen a ten (does that work?)), and are all the exact same thing whichever way they spin it. No, that’s a reason to hate ALL talent shows for sure, but there’s something about X-Factor that makes it more detestable than any other show, and that’s the whole pomp and circumstance of it all, like it’s the epitome of class and culture.
We are made to believe that the “judges” are these all powerful sentient beings who we have to kneel before and lavish them with whoops and gushes and “boy wouldn’t it be swell if we could be like them?”. It’s not the whole talentless pricks judging talent thing, I don’t mind that because it doesn’t take a talented person to tell if someone is talented. A lot of people do take offence to this though, seemingly forgetting that they are also talentless and yet still phone up every week voting for the contestant who they “judged” to be best.
What I find offensive is the fake personas the four of them have adopted. It worked for Gordon Ramsey and Alan Sugar, yes they are wankers in reality, but on screen they really wank it up an extra notch, kind of like a pantomime villain, but one who would punch a child in the audience. Simon Cowell’s head is so far up his own arsehole it’s on his shoulders. He’s not as mean as he used to be, and every so often he realises this and insults someone just to stay consistent with the persona. “That was the best performance of the night and err…actually you’re a cunt and I fucked your mother”. Louis Walsh and Dannniii Minogue talk a hell of a lot for people who have absolutely nothing to say, and there really is nothing left to say about them.
And then there’s Cheryl Cole. Revered by the nation like a goddess. Driven by her own ego her one goal is to be more popular than Cowell. She disagrees with absolutely everything he says, if he were ever to say that rape is wrong, she would say it’s right. If he were to say that Nigerian toilet attendants are great, she would punch one. The only thing more irritating than her is the people who idolise her. She has had a successful solo career despite releasing songs that can only be described as fuck awful, all because these people have bought into this horrible concept of the celebrity. Why would you want to be like her? She has nothing interesting to say, looks really aren’t everything.
The show treats its audience like they’re idiots, and they must be idiots if they’re still watching. The format of the show has been exactly the same year after year save for a few superficial tweaks. Nothing is surprising anymore, if you hear some sombre piano in the background you know a sob story about a woman who was eaten by a dog is coming. If anything new does occur, the producers make sure it is repeated, because hey, if the audience liked it first time round, why wouldn’t they like it a second time? And they do like it. Jedward were the new thing last year, an obviously shit entity whose only saving grace was the “comedy” of it all. This year of course we have a gay version of Jedward, and in future series there will now always be a terrible duo who provide some comic relief.
I said I watched 20 minutes of Sunday’s episode, and like all of the Sunday episodes from last year, it featured a musician who had a tour to promote. Clearly people will have bought tickets to see Usher upon seeing his performance, despite it consisting of him haphazardly shouting “Yeah” and “Come on” every now and again while dancing like he’s being attacked by a wasp.
The format of the Sunday show has already come under some hyperbolic criticism from The News of the World, where the headline “what the X is going on?” was used in reaction to that whore everyone seems to hate not going out. What the fuck is going on indeed. For this inconsequential event to make the front page of a national newspaper with such an aggressive headline is to suggest that this show is the only thing us Brits have to live for. People are throwing themselves off buildings in protest! If only!
Well I watched 20 minutes, it’s all I could take. You see I had a lapse in concentration, I lost my focus, and I thought that if I am going to be irritated by a thousand conversations and arguments about the series then it might be slightly less irritating if I knew what they were on about. HOW WRONG I WAS.
My gripe with The X-Factor isn’t that it’s a talent show, and the fact that talent shows are ten a penny (or a dime a dozen, or even yen a ten (does that work?)), and are all the exact same thing whichever way they spin it. No, that’s a reason to hate ALL talent shows for sure, but there’s something about X-Factor that makes it more detestable than any other show, and that’s the whole pomp and circumstance of it all, like it’s the epitome of class and culture.
We are made to believe that the “judges” are these all powerful sentient beings who we have to kneel before and lavish them with whoops and gushes and “boy wouldn’t it be swell if we could be like them?”. It’s not the whole talentless pricks judging talent thing, I don’t mind that because it doesn’t take a talented person to tell if someone is talented. A lot of people do take offence to this though, seemingly forgetting that they are also talentless and yet still phone up every week voting for the contestant who they “judged” to be best.
What I find offensive is the fake personas the four of them have adopted. It worked for Gordon Ramsey and Alan Sugar, yes they are wankers in reality, but on screen they really wank it up an extra notch, kind of like a pantomime villain, but one who would punch a child in the audience. Simon Cowell’s head is so far up his own arsehole it’s on his shoulders. He’s not as mean as he used to be, and every so often he realises this and insults someone just to stay consistent with the persona. “That was the best performance of the night and err…actually you’re a cunt and I fucked your mother”. Louis Walsh and Dannniii Minogue talk a hell of a lot for people who have absolutely nothing to say, and there really is nothing left to say about them.
And then there’s Cheryl Cole. Revered by the nation like a goddess. Driven by her own ego her one goal is to be more popular than Cowell. She disagrees with absolutely everything he says, if he were ever to say that rape is wrong, she would say it’s right. If he were to say that Nigerian toilet attendants are great, she would punch one. The only thing more irritating than her is the people who idolise her. She has had a successful solo career despite releasing songs that can only be described as fuck awful, all because these people have bought into this horrible concept of the celebrity. Why would you want to be like her? She has nothing interesting to say, looks really aren’t everything.
The show treats its audience like they’re idiots, and they must be idiots if they’re still watching. The format of the show has been exactly the same year after year save for a few superficial tweaks. Nothing is surprising anymore, if you hear some sombre piano in the background you know a sob story about a woman who was eaten by a dog is coming. If anything new does occur, the producers make sure it is repeated, because hey, if the audience liked it first time round, why wouldn’t they like it a second time? And they do like it. Jedward were the new thing last year, an obviously shit entity whose only saving grace was the “comedy” of it all. This year of course we have a gay version of Jedward, and in future series there will now always be a terrible duo who provide some comic relief.
I said I watched 20 minutes of Sunday’s episode, and like all of the Sunday episodes from last year, it featured a musician who had a tour to promote. Clearly people will have bought tickets to see Usher upon seeing his performance, despite it consisting of him haphazardly shouting “Yeah” and “Come on” every now and again while dancing like he’s being attacked by a wasp.
The format of the Sunday show has already come under some hyperbolic criticism from The News of the World, where the headline “what the X is going on?” was used in reaction to that whore everyone seems to hate not going out. What the fuck is going on indeed. For this inconsequential event to make the front page of a national newspaper with such an aggressive headline is to suggest that this show is the only thing us Brits have to live for. People are throwing themselves off buildings in protest! If only!
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