30 or 31 Days of Netflix

“Gee Whiz! A free 30 day trial of Netflix! Boy I can stream just about any movie I want and for free!” - Me, upon signing up for Netflix’s 30 day trial. Or is it 31 days? That’s probably where they get you. The good ol’ days of going down to Blockbuster and picking up a shiny looking box, being told you can’t sign up because you need proof of your address, coming back later and finally taking home a less shiny looking box, are almost over.

Call me old fashioned but I kind of liked making the effort to go out to Blockbuster to have an argument. “I don’t want to watch that Julia Roberts shite you bitch!” She’d say to me. Of course I don’t actually go to Blockbuster, I’ve spent the last five years buying DVDs instead of renting them, and now I’ve got no room in my house because of all the fucking awful DVDs I’ve bought. Give an idiot money and he will buy shit. Today I have no money or room to buy any DVDs, so renting films seems like a great idea once again. Imagine watching a film and not thinking “I’ve spent 10 fucking quid on this” all the way through.

While you have to put on trousers and leave your house to go to Blockbuster, Netflix and Lovefilm don’t even require you to get out of bed. Surely a service as great as this will put Blockbuster out of business, “Hey Blockbuster! It turns out I CAN rent films in my pants!”. Sign me up Netflix 30 day (or 31 day) trial! Sign me up now!

The first striking thing about Netflix isn’t that you can watch any film you want at the click of a button, but that you can watch any film that you DON’T want to watch at the click of a button. Trying to find a film to watch on Netflix is like trying to find a nun who’ll have sex with you. When it’s free it’s difficult to feel aggrieved, but when they catch me out and I have to pay £5.99 next month I’m going to pretty pissed off. Save for a few TV shows there isn’t much on Netflix. There are some good films but if you haven’t already seen The Usual Suspects chances are someone has already told you who the fuck Keyser Soze is.

Navigating through their horrible interface is as painful as any simile you can think of involving a penis. Genres are either too broad or too specific, who is ever in the mood for a visually-striking violent film? According to Netflix, me. Netflix suggests films for you after you tick a few boxes and rate a few films. Filling in your taste preferences seems simple enough: How often do you watch the following genres? Then you have to do the same for moods. Moods! Romantic, feel-good, scary, cerebral. Cerebral? What is that? Do they mean Inception or The Man with Two Brains? They also have steamy down as a mood! Steamy! Is it Top Gun or Thomas the Tank Engine? The options I’m given to answer are ridiculous: never, sometimes, often. I’ve seen steamy films but sometimes is a bit of an overstatement, yet I can’t say I’ve never seen them. I’m just going to leave it blank until I’ve seen enough steamy films.

Netflix tells me that the more films I rate the better it knows me, and to an extent it delivers on its promise. Because most of the films in its library are terrible I’ve rated them as such, and Netflix successfully predicts that I won’t like them. It still suggests them to me though. “Hey Dave! You’ll probably think this film is shit but you should watch it anyway!”

As long as it’s free, Netflix is a joy to behold, but paying £5.99 a month every month to watch Jason Statham and Nicholas Cage films would be a waste of £5.99. You’ll feel inclined to make the most of what you’re paying for and end up watching all kinds of films you never thought you’d want to see. You’ve paid for it now, you might as well use it. You might not have to put pants on and go out, it might even be cheaper, but you’re not going to see the film you want to see. You’re going to see Drive Angry.

Schrodinger's racist

It’s a strange state of affairs when John Terry becomes an example of quantum physics. Just as Schrodinger’s cat is both alive and dead, John Terry is currently both innocent and guilty, the only difference being that John Terry hasn’t been locked inside a box…not yet anyway.

Last season the only trend of the footballing world was the snood, but since its ban from the game it’s been replaced by never ending sagas. We’ve had by the hour reports on the non-movements of Carlos Tevez - “yep, he’s still here” - the minute since he refused to play in September. Arsenal need a left back, Manchester United need a midfielder, Fernando Torres isn’t scoring, Andy Carroll isn’t scoring, Jack Wilshere is still broken, Joey Barton did a tweet, the referee is a wanker, Liverpool are racist, ‘Arry hasn’t paid his taxes, the same stories are being regurgitated in our faces every day, and now we know that the John Terry saga will not end before July.

Boyz n the Snood

Luis Suarez made his racist remarks only a week earlier than John Terry and was banned and fined in December, so why such a delay for Terry? The two incidents are very similar yet there is a huge contrast in results, is this purely because John Terry is English? Would he have already have been banned if there wasn’t an international tournament this summer? It would be cynical to suggest that the FA are protecting John Terry so he can play in Euro 2012 but what other reason would they have to delay the decision?

The build up to last week’s fixture between Queens Park Rangers and Chelsea focused solely on whether Anton Ferdinand would shake John Terry’s hand, and in the end the FA stopped everyone shaking hands. This week Chelsea play Manchester United and we were all poised for another dreary will they won’t they shake hands episode as John Terry was set to face Anton’s brother Rio, though an injury has forced him out. Had he played it would be reasonable to assume the FA would ban handshake formalities again, preventing Rio from making a statement had he chosen to do so. The phrase “help, help, I’m being repressed” comes to mind.

Is this going to be a common occurrence for the rest of the season? Are the FA going to ban any situation where John Terry could look like a dick? Or will they introduce situations in which he’ll look like a hero? Maybe they’ll buy him some Jay-Z albums and find him some best friends who are black. Maybe a team mate has a black wife he could have sex with. All possibilities the FA are considering.

The FA’s first act of protection came today in stripping John Terry, not of his clothes, but of his captaincy. It may only be an armband and the seat next to the driver on the team bus to you, but to some people the captaincy is a big deal, it’s an honour. Only after criticism from the media that John Terry could captain England to a trophy and then be found guilty of racial abuse did the FA deem any action necessary. “Punishing” John Terry now will placate the media and the public to an extent, alleviating some pressure and criticism from Terry. It’s not a punishment at all, it’s a tactic to make John look like a stand up guy, he’s done his penance, so we needn’t cry for it anymore.

Even so, it’s a temporary punishment at best, he’s not even been dropped from the team, he’s lost the captaincy once before so what’s stopping him from being reinstated in six months time? If England miraculously win Euro 2012 and he’s then found guilty will people care that he’s a racist? He’ll be a hero in some people’s eyes, he already is to Chelsea fans. Come the autumn we could have a tax dodging manager and a racist captain (not that the rest of the team are model citizens though), would this matter to anyone? Luis Suarez’s ban only spurred Liverpool fans to be racist themselves and boo Patrice Evra for not being anything other than overjoyed by Suarez’s comment; While Chelsea fans chanted “you know what you are” in reference to Anton Ferdinand earlier this season.

Whether John Terry is found innocent or guilty is somewhat irrelevant because there will be fans who will see him as nothing but an angel, they’ll do a “Liverpool” and adopt his attitudes, the stereotypical football fan is like that, irrational and illogical. They can’t see the truth, only an opposition to their opinion. Like it or not, footballers ARE role models and a single sentence has ignited a whole new wave of racism in football. It might not be believable, but it might be nice to see John Terry buying a Jay-Z album or sleeping with a team mate’s black wife.