King Firth

My last post didn’t take long to write at all, after all it’s much easier to write about something you feel disdain for than something you genuinely like. This blog is redolent with negativity, it thrives on it like a pig in shit. So it’s somewhat difficult and perhaps uninteresting to say that The King’s Speech is actually very good.
Of course you probably already know that, there’s a horde of positive reviews and it’s expected that Colin Firth will take home just about every award there is this year, even Slovenian footballer of the year. Despite knowing all this prior to seeing the film I predicted I wouldn’t enjoy it a great deal, I tend to resent these kind of films, how can they possibly live up to their pretentious reviews? They can’t be that good I think to myself and usually they’re not, but The King’s Speech somehow lived up to its grandiose reviews.
I often find critics get carried away with hyperbole when describing a performance as “powerful” or “mesmerising” or “like finding a pound - will make your day”. Much to the dismay of my cynicism Colin Firth’s performance in The King’s Speech is powerful, and it is mesmerising, it’s full of heart and soul, of fear and bravery, it’s like finding a five pound note. Yet Firth isn’t the only one to stand out, Geoffrey Rush is as equally impressive and in his short screen time Michael Gambon nearly manages to steal the whole darn show. Never have I ever sat at the cinema and thought to myself “wow this is good acting”, I’m not the sort of wanker who does that I ended up saying to myself (in my head - I‘m not mental) “gee whiz this is great acting”. What have I become?
It’s been embarrassing watching the English portrayed in film and television recently. Anyone who has seen The Tudors will understand what I mean, not only was it not interesting it was historically inaccurate as well. I understand that Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character but he is such a quintessential staple of our culture that it’s offensive if you besmirch us with something like Guy Richie’s adaptation. The King’s Speech is unequivocally English however and it makes up for these embarrassments by being a true depiction of our nation and our culture and it’s somewhat bewildering that it was written by an American.
To call it a historical drama doesn’t do it justice, foreign audiences (and even English) may feel alienated from the subject matter but they will relate its deeply personal content and this is what makes it special. Most historical films are very rigid and offer little in terms of true emotion and sentiment but you can relate to The King’s Speech, it is about overcoming fear above anything else and this is what sets it apart from the rest of the crowd. Of course nothing says overcoming fear like facing giant robots, so I will wait for Transformers 3 before I declare this the film of the year.

BOND IS BACK!

BOND IS BACK! Or he will be back, sometime next year, schedule permitting. I’m going to throw it out into the wide open, I don’t like James Bond, and you may think you like James Bond but let me tell you that you don’t, you don’t you hear me! James Bond is for people who read Haynes manuals and do crosswords, Alan Partridge loves James Bond, I wouldn’t be surprised if every hardcore Bond fan owned a Castrol GTX jacket. 

My problem with Bond doesn’t stem from the average quality of the films, it’s with the character himself. James Bond should be the epitome of coolness, that’s what they want you to think, it’s what they’re aiming for, they may have succeeded back in the 60’s when womanising was cool but in this modern age, he’s a massive prick. If my job involved having a licence to kill and I used it, I wouldn’t be so chirpy all the time I’d be a fucking wreck, I certainly wouldn’t make quips about it! “How was work darling?” “I did another murder! I can’t go on!” Not that I’d have a wife is I was James Bond, because I’d be too fucking sexy for one woman, no I’d saunter around the world fucking everything I see with the worst chat up lines in the world inexplicably working every time, and not only that I’d wear a tuxedo 24/7! ARGH! 

So Bond is a murdering womanising unfunny prick in a tux, not only that he wears expensive watches which he MUST point out to you and drives expensive cars and smashes them up, tax payers probably paid for that Aston Martin as well as all your tuxes James, if that’s your real name! 

The films aren’t much better, they are not bad but for a franchise with such a high reputation there is not one film that is amazing, and there’s 22 of them! Furthermore there are some pretty dog shit ones as well, take Die Another Day for example. A North Korean man turns into an English man via a DNA transplant or some crazy shit, he creates some kind of artificial sun which he uses to chase Bond off a cliff, who somehow survives and kills the North Korean/English man, and to make matters worse Madonna is in it. If it wasn’t a Bond movie you’d spit your beverage in my face, but because it’s Bond they get away with it, people see it and they like it. If something is a classic you condition yourself to like it, to be receptive of it and that’s what we do with Bond, we think it’s great because we’re told it’s great, by middle aged men who still think womanising is the bees knees. 

With the news of a 23rd film many have come in their pants but I’ve not got so much as a semi, I hope I’m wrong and “Live and Let Quantum Diamonds Kill Forever in Russia Another Day Pussy Royale” is a great film. 

The not as big as it could have been 2011 film preview!

So 2010 was fun right? Ignoring those two posts about how it wasn’t it was just swell. There was Kick-Ass, Scott Pilgrim, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Peep Show, The Walking Dead, Wonders of the Solar System, it sure was crazy, so can 2011 kick it in the balls?

127 Hours

Everybody loves James Franco, everybody loves Danny Boyle, nobody likes seeing an arm being cut off. That’s not entirely true because the Saw franchise was made possible by the public’s love of severed limbs and those very people who flocked to see Cary Elwes saw his leg off will give their right arm to see James Franco cut his right arm off. At the tender age of 17 I braved Saw (underage, fuck yeah I’m a rebel!) at the cinema but a DIY amputation is not something that would entice me to see a film these days. Danny Boyle’s name would though so I cannot wait for another of his famous feel good films of the year.

Black Swan

It’s about ballet! It’s psychological! The Oscars are going to eat this shit up. Yes it’s got loads of good reviews already and yes it’s going to win loads of Oscars, but will anyone really care? More than likely it’s going to be one of those films where appreciation is exclusive to film students and actual critics, the same people who were able to enjoy Lost in Translation. As I’m just a twat with a keyboard I doubt Black Swan will appeal to me, I get the feeling that the trailer promises it to be a hundred times more exciting than it actually is. Anyone who thinks it sounds a bit gay with the ballet remember this, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex in it, and if that’s gay I don’t know what to believe.

The Green Hornet

The first super hero film of the year looks to be a fairly low key affair. I was initially excited about this film when it was announced way back when, but when Stephen Chow dropped out I lost interest. Nevertheless Michel Gondry is directing and I haven’t seen Seth Rogen since Funny People, it looks silly and slightly camp and having not seen any super hero/comic book action since Scott Pilgrim it’s beginning to look like a great idea. It won’t be the biggest film of the year and possibly not even the biggest with Green in the title, it might be shit, it might be worse than shit but it’s the only film that looks remotely fun in January, and amongst all the Oscar wannabes what we really need is some good wholesome fun.

Paul

The first film of the year that I am truly excited about, Paul marks the return of everyone’s favourite onscreen duo, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. For me that’s good enough, but throw in an alien (voiced by Seth Rogen) and a host of SNL actors and this promises to be a hoot and a holler, if only for the geeks of the world.

Sucker Punch

Touted as “Alice in Wonderland with machine guns”, Sucker Punch at least promises to be one of the most original films of 2011. A group of girls attempt to escape an asylum through their dreams all while opening several cans of “whoop-ass”. Nerds dig chicks with guns so you can guarantee this will be a cult hit already, the question is whether a mainstream audience will be able to suspend their disbelief and enjoy a film that can only be described as “fucking mental”. This looks like this year’s Kick-Ass, if it’s half as good I’ll be happy.

Thor/X-Men: First Class/Green Lantern/Captain America

There’s no question that I will see all of these films but I very much doubt I will enjoy them as much as comic book films of yesteryear. The whole Avengers thing has been building up for a while now and I’m actually getting a bit sick of it. Iron Man 2 was a disappointment as it had one eye on progressing the Avengers plot and subsequently forgot it was a film in its own right. As we are fast approaching the super hero film to end all super hero films you would be a fool not to expect the plots of Thor and Captain America to focus heavily on all things Avengy.
DC’s effort Green Lantern looks like it could be an absolute mess judging by the trailer but if last year told us anything it’s that a film doesn’t have to be good to be successful, especially when you have the ever popular Ryan Reynolds as the lead.
Remember all those X-Men films you saw? Well we’re going to have another one, but this time they’re young! Normally I would shake my fist in the air but as Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman are involved it would be safe to assume this won’t be a total mess.

Rise of the Apes

Fanboys have only just got the taste of Tim Burton’s ape movie out of their mouths so apparently it’s time for another go. Featuring the man of 2011 himself James Franco and ape connoisseur Andy Serkis it certainly has credentials in the acting department, though it remains to be seen whether any life is left in this ageing franchise. The original remains a classic, more a philosophical tale than science fiction, but in this age of dumbed down blockbusters you would be safe to assume this will be more a “APE VS MAN WITH FUCKING BELLS!” kind of flick.

The Thing

Like Rise of the Apes this isn’t a remake but another entry to a pre-existing mythos, they made that clear in the title you idiot! The Thing will be a prequel to the original and though that has me assuming the end will be the beginning of John Carpenter’s film, I hope this predictability won’t ruin the fun of a shape shifting alien wreaking havoc in the snow. With a pretty much unheard of cast (Mary Elizabeth Winstead is the only recognisable face (but what a face)) and the original film only really attaining a cult status this is unlikely to be the biggest hit of the year, but aliens are in this year so perhaps we’ll go bat shit for this come October.

At the risk of writing into 2012 I won’t write about The Fighter, Blue Valentine, Never Let Me Go, True Grit, Source Code, Attack The Block, Your Highness, The Hangover 2, Cowboys and Aliens and Super 8, not yet anyway.

Come Fly With Me

It’s easy to forget that at one time Little Britain was the funniest thing on television because there is always the memory of Little Britain being the least funny thing on television. What started as nothing short of genius turned into a constant slew of catchphrases and shock value and quickly lost its credibility, and that was way before those not at all irritating Nationwide adverts (irritating doesn’t do it justice).
There’s no argument that Matt Lucas and David Walliams are talented but it’s hard to shake off the images of Andy and Lou, Vicky Pollard and Emily Howard whenever you think about them and at times I feel a bit of resentment towards them because of it. “I want that one”, “yeah but no but yeah but no” resonate in my head at the mere thought of either of them despite the fact that I know they’re funny. I loved Lucas as George Dawes and there is nothing I find more terrifying than Walliams’ turn as Vulva in Spaced, but this matters not now they’ve become synonymous with phrases such as “I’m a lady!”.
Perhaps the success of the show influenced its direction, after all these characters were the most popular with the audience and these were the catchphrases everyone was repeating, never mind Mr Man and his pirate memory games for ages 4-8, the public wanted “that one” and they got it, and a somewhat brilliantly creative show turned into a crappy BBC One “comedy”.
If I didn’t expect Come fly with me to be funny I wouldn’t have watched it, but watched it I did and to my complete non surprise it wasn’t that bad. Thinly veiled as a mocumentary based at an airport (much like the actual documentary Airport) it is essentially just another character based sketch show with every sketch set at an Airport. It looks very much like where Little Britain left off and it also looks like a crappy BBC One comedy so by those standards it really shouldn’t be funny.
It’s hit and miss but what’s important is that it does hit, against the odds it is actually funny. Where Little Britain’s characters quickly became surreal and unbelievable, Come fly with me’s are at least for the moment a bit truer to life, in some cases they are quite mean characters, while others are strangely tragic, in particular Tommy, a “Happy Burger” worker who is trying to work his way up to being a pilot.
It has had quite a few negative reviews and it’s possible that I’m appreciative towards it because I had low expectations, but it is still an enjoyable show and relative to the other shit the BBC pump out this could be considered a masterpiece (Rock and Chips anyone?). It’s not one of the best comedies ever made but at the very least it’s watchable and when BBC comedy can be as bad as My Family, watchable becomes TV magic.
Of course we’ll probably all hate it in two weeks time, it’s already been accused of racism (or as it's more commonly known: DAILY MAIL FRENZY!) which in turn has seen the show garner the support of Jim “I’m definitely not a racist” Davidson. This can’t be seen as anything other than a bad sign and I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick Griffin’s cameo ended in the show being cancelled. For now I will enjoy with great trepidation.

Reasons to hate 2010: Part Two

Alice In Wonderland

Much like Avatar, Alice in Wonderland was a financial success and another purveyor of that silly 3D thing. I didn’t have any expectations going into the cinema to see Alice but somehow I still left the cinema quite bitter that I had spent £10.50 on such a pile of shite.
Alice in Wonderland is a perfect argument to why 3D is the scourge of all that is holy in the world of cinema. 3D distracts the audience from the art on the screen (or lack of it), people have paid extra for the 3D effects so they want to be wowed by them, shock and awe! Many films have been more of technological demo of 3D than a well told story and the success of these films rests predominantly on the quality of the effects.
In Alice’s case the effects weren’t up to scratch. Before that fateful night I walked into the cinema I had only seen two films in 3D, the wonderful Up and of course Avatar, I thought this was what all 3D looked like, good, but I was wrong. This is a film that needed the 3D to distract us from everything else, it needed to wow but all it did was illicit groans. I haven’t watched a film in 3D since, if you wear glasses at the cinema you will now how irritating and uncomfortable it is to wear two pairs of glasses, the last thing you need is to go through a horrible ordeal like Alice in Wonderland again.
In a way the 3D has distracted us from the film because it made over a billion dollars at the box office despite being fuck awful. The dollars dictate that the film was a success but it should be seen as a failure. It was a sequel of sorts but re-treaded every little detail of the original story so much so that it was more a remake if anything. Every introduction of a new character felt forced, it was like one of those rides where you’re in a little car and you slowly meander through a fairy tale world seeing one thing after the other. Perhaps it’s what the executives wanted and it’s hard to tell them they were wrong when they’re a billion dollars richer.
The same goes for Johnny Depp, how do you tell him his films aren’t very good when they make so much money? Depp does the kooky shit better than anyone else in the business but when you play a weird kooky character in every film they all become quite normal because that’s what we‘ve come to expect. It’s hard to relate or connect with any of his characters because they are so cartoon like, and in a way he’s become as two dimensional as Vin Diesel. I’m not saying these two men share the same talents but it would be interesting to see Depp portray a normal guy every now and again.
You can hate Alice in Wonderland for being a terrible film and that’s fine, but you should really hate it along with Avatar for starting the 3D trend, and above all, for taking £10.50 out of my pocket.

The X-Factor

So I pretty much successfully avoided The X-Factor this year, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a go at it. Talent shows are like rapists and murderers, they’re out there, you can try to avoid them, but sometimes you just can’t. I certainly felt violated when I saw a young girl in a tracksuit rapping, and there’s not a word to describe how I felt when I saw an audience applauding what was clearly a paedophile.
It’s all about gimmicks in The X-Factor now, oh look at Jedward, they’re mentally ill and fun aren’t they? Let’s have more of that, two gay guys? Check! A fat Irish woman? Check! A paedophile? Let’s have two! But what about the kids? Yes! Let’s put some kids in there! The only thing that will increase the ratings than Usher shouting at us will be a live molestation of One Direction.
If you are offended by that then you are almost as offended as I am by this show. It’s not entertainment, it’s a business, and it’s certainly not music, it’s just a fancy karaoke. Yet it is still one of most popular shows on television, everyone talks about it and it’s undeniably shit. It’s like Simon Cowell is throwing the same piece of shit at you again and again and you’re just fine with it, actually no simile is needed that’s exactly what it is.
It’s the same thing over and over but that’s what the public likes, just how have Eastenders and Corrie remained so popular over the years? By being the same thing over and over and over, that’s how. They could repeat the first series of The X-Factor next year and no one would know. “Oh Cheryl looks amazing!” “That’s Sharon Osbourne.” “She can look however she wants she’s had a tough time with the divorce and the malaria“, OH FUCK OFF! If we can accept cunts like Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and Gordon Ramsey (I wish that was shit and not Gin being poured on him) then of course we’re going to idolise someone who’s only slightly a bit twatty.
It doesn’t end with the show because the charts are full of former winners and contestants and even judges, theatres are full of them, it all gets too much for you so you book a holiday, you go to Butlins and they’re fucking there as well! You’ve had enough of it but not to the point that you start listening to Rage Against the Machine. For a rage against the machine it was a very well organised campaign that actually required people to do what they’re told, take that consumerism! As predictable as the show itself, every December there will be hundreds of campaigns trying to debase The X-Factor and prevent it from having the Christmas number one. While we’re on this subject, who gives a fuck about the Christmas number one anyway? It’s not like there’s a prize of immortality for the winner. I agree that The X-Factor winner’s single is dreadful but the way I deal with that is that I don’t buy or listen to it, I don’t like Rage Against the Machine so I don’t buy or listen to their music, these campaigns are as dictatorial as The X-Factor is and buying something else because someone told you is worse. People will buy the single, and they’ll buy the Matt Cardle book (YES HE HAS A FUCKING BOOK!) and if you have a problem with that then it’s sort of like having a problem with idiots, and you’re no better than the Nazis.

I planned to write about other things that annoyed me in 2010 but looking back over the inaugural year of the rascal I’ve pretty much covered everything that could irritate a twat with too much time on his hands.