Reasons to hate 2010: Part One

2010 has been alright hasn’t it? Or has it? Rather than focus on the positive side of this year I cannot help but be a pessimist and ruin it for the rest of you by compiling a list of why 2010 has been shit.

Avatar

OK it’s the biggest film ever but because of that fact many are treating it as the best film ever (it’s not). From a technical perspective it is one of the most important films ever made and will be forever notes as one. Despite this it’s far from a perfect film or even a great one. A forgettable film has been made unforgettable thanks to the hyperbolic reaction it has received.
It’s really annoying to listen to someone banging on about how brilliant Avatar is and how they’ve seen nothing like it. We’ve all seen it, every last one of us and as a result it’s something we can talk about without being afraid of being put down with “you fucking mug, what you doing watching that gay thing”. Usually a sci-fi film would illicit this kind of reaction from the average un-geek man but not Avatar, it’s like it has diplomatic immunity. I know people who liked Avatar but would never see Star Trek in a million years because it is unrealistic! People like Avatar because other people like Avatar, or Coldplay syndrome as it‘s more commonly known.
It has had two cinema releases this year and two DVD releases with another due out next year, if you don’t like it you can’t escape it and while I quite enjoyed it at the cinema I’ve since gone on to hate it because no matter where you turn there is an advert for it. Two sequels have been announced already and I fear I will have to go through the pandemonium twice more.
The thing is, the film doesn’t warrant any of this, it’s just not very good. It is too long, the dialogue is atrocious, the acting is bad, and the plot is unoriginal. The special edition had an extra 8 minutes added, why? It was long enough already, don’t make it longer! In between the action scenes we are treated to a wonderfully dull dialogue, it’s truly awful and feels like they forgot all about it and wrote it an hour before they started filming though if that actually happened it may have came out better. It’s the script that makes the actors look bad but Michelle Rodriguez would look bad either way. All through the film there are echoes of Aliens and the plot rips off Pocahontas, Princess Mononoke, Dances with Wolves and even the Fast and the fucking Furious to an extent! The effects may look great but the actual film is something completely different and the Academy Awards should have really picked up on this before they nominated it for best picture.

Alan Wake

Alan who? Alan Wake was a game on the Xbox 360 this year that had received quite a lot of hype and while it got some very good reviews I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Excited that a game actually had a written story and even promoted that fact I expected something that I never got. Alan Wake and his wife go to a small town not to dissimilar to Twin Peaks, his wife goes missing, weird things happen, there’s twists and turns and in the end nothing is explained and it doesn’t make sense.
All throughout the game Mr A.Wake narrates as if it were a novel, the problem being it’s the most boring novel ever written, but still not as boring as Alan himself. Promoted as TV show-esque, the game fails to feel anything like a TV show, yes there are cliff hangers at the end of each level (I mean “episodes”) but there is no suspense created as you can immediately find out what happens next by simply pressing A. You spend most of your time walking or waking up in the middle of a dark forest in which you have lost your torch and gun (again), or you might talk to a few kooky yet inevitably dull “characters” and you’ll definitely fight the same enemies again and again throughout the entire game.
Alan Wake deserves criticism because while it looks like a good game, and for a while it makes you think that, it just isn’t fun to play and you’d be better off just watching a real TV show, speaking of which…

Lost

Six fucking years of my life! ARGH! Lost was brilliant, I will stand by that statement but I can’t escape the fact that it was also shit, I’ve never seen a show like it and probably never will again. It seemed so intricately planned, the writers declaring they had it all worked out well in advance, the discovery of the others, the hatch, the Dharma stations, Jacob, the other others, it was an unfolding mystery that asked more questions with each new answer, until we found out about Jacob that is.
From around season four it looked like Lost was getting silly but buoyed by Damon Lindelof’s earlier admission that it all tied together in the end I kept watching and by season six when it was really silly I was still watching with a devout faith that would make a catholic blush. Then came the episode “Across the sea” which is probably the worst episode in the entire six seasons, gone was my faith, it wasn’t an all mighty epiphany but a humble realisation that it wasn’t going to end the way I wanted it to and that the many questions asked weren’t going to be answered.
As I woke up extra early on a Monday morning to watch the finale it turned out I was right, it didn’t end well. Six fucking years of my life! ARGH! Initial confusion turned to eventual anger as I struggled to come to terms with the lame ending, I didn’t sleep for days and it was weeks before I showered, I ended up living as a savage in a nearby woods (might not be true). I have several hundred still unanswered questions and “oooo it’s all a bit mystical” just doesn’t count as an answer in my mind. That said the very final parting shot was near perfect and there were some very well written episodes, particularly the Desmond ones. But still, six fucking years of my life! ARGH!

To be continued…

The Christmas Movie Marathon

In eager child like anticipation I am counting down the days until it’s time for the Christmas movie marathon which I have aptly dubbed “The Christmas movie marathon“. A movie marathon always seems like a good idea but lets face it, it’s near impossible to watch two movies back to back let alone a whole heap of them. I watched The Matrix trilogy back to back once and it gives me a headache just thinking about it, fair enough the quality of the films might be the reason my brain melted but it’s pretty hard to stay focused on one thing for longer than twenty minutes never mind all that shit about an architect and so on. A better approach is to watch say one or two movies a day the week before Christmas as opposed to one sitting which will probably make you sick of the festivities before you consume enough chocolate and alcohol to actually be sick.

Here is the current line-up for this year’s (more than slightly moronic) marathon:

The Nightmare Before Christmas

A favourite amongst Goths it could almost be called “A Cure Christmas Special” if it had anything to do with The Cure which it doesn‘t. Of course it’s got the Tim Burton stamp all over it and Goths just love him (they ARE capable of love apparently) because it’s his films they got their look from. I never saw this film as a young child, I imagine if I did I would have cried and not slept for twelve years (that happened with scary clown film It) but now I’ve grown a little older and I’ve come to appreciate this kooky film and all its kookiness.

Elf

It’s easy to forget that Will Ferrell has made any films other than Anchorman and its imitators but rest assured he has. Elf is one of the better films he’s made and indeed one of the better “traditional” Christmas movies of the last decade. Crappy “fun for all the family” movies are ten a penny (or dime a dozen) and you’d be forgiven for thinking this is just another one of them but it actually is fun for all the family or a least fun for me.

Lethal Weapon

Well it’s set around Christmas I guess. The most tenuous choice on the list it is still an entertaining film if only for Mel “I wasn’t so controversial back then” Gibson’s mullet. It’s really just a great action film but the true Christmas spirit comes right at the end as the Riggs and Murtaugh partnership becomes an unbreakable friendship on Christmas Day as Riggs gives Murtaugh the greatest present a friend could give, the bullet he was going to use to kill himself. I’ll never be too old for this shit.

"Yipee-ki-ay Mother fucker"

The Muppet’s Christmas Carol

I freaking loved the Muppets as a kid so naturally I loved this movie and I always will do. There have been millions of adaptations of A Christmas Carol but this will always be the best. When you’re a kid the bright colours of the Muppets are enough to keep you entertained but as I’ve grown older I’ve come to realise that it’s Michael Caine’s performance that makes this film work so well. It’s funny and it’s poignant and I defy anyone not to be in the Christmas spirit after they see it.

TV Specials

The Christmas special is as common as a turkey or a tree and if you own a few TV box sets chances are you have quite a handful of these. British specials often depress me as they portray the reality of a British Christmas, staying in watching TV where the only Christmas spirit is Vodka. Christmas is supposed to be magical and whether it’s Eastenders or Gavin and Stacey on screen it just looks depressing. There are a few good specials that demand to be viewed every year, The Office possibly being the best due to the perfect ending for Tim and Dawn. America has a much more idealised portrayal of Christmas and it’s not hard to find a festive episode watching an American show unless you’re watching The Wire.

Home Alone

Probably my favourite film as a kid along with Kindergarten Cop, Home Alone was as good as it got back then. I imagine adults hated Macaulay Culkin and probably cheered when the bees got him in My Girl but to me (and Michael Jackson) he was a cool guy. Kevin’s family really did seem like a bunch of jerks, it was quite a scary yet cool idea of being home alone, and the Wet Bandits were pretty damn terrifying as well as the basement, the score, and Uncle Frank. Kevin’s “battle” against the Wet Bandits is still as entertaining as it was when I was a child and the reunion between Kevin and his family gets more emotional each time I watch it. More than anything this film is pure nostalgia and must be watched every Christmas without fail.

Home Alone 2

Though not as good as the original, Home Alone 2 is still an immensely enjoyable film and again nostalgic as it is one of the first films I remember seeing at the cinema along with Beethoven’s 2nd (which doesn’t make this list). I remember being in awe of the Talkboy (was it called that?) Kevin used during the film, an example of product placement totally working. While the first film’s message focuses strongly on family and togetherness, the sequel focuses on friendships especially ones with weird pigeon ladies.

Die Hard

It’s a Christmas movie I don’t care what you say, it’s the BEST DAMN CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER MADE. It’s certainly one of the best movies ever made and is my all time favourite along with Back to the Future. It’s set on Christmas Eve, it has a bit of Christmas music and of course there’s the whole “Ho Ho Ho now I have a machine gun” and this is enough to say it’s a Christmas movie. Everything about the film is off the fucking chain, it’s a masterpiece and I will strive to put it at the top of every list I can.

There are obviously loads of films I’ve missed out, the ones with Tim Allen, the ones with Chevy Chase, the ones with Vince Vaughn (he only does Christmas movies now), Ernest Saves Christmas, Gremlins, and It’s A Wonderful Life. I’m aware this is a classic but I have never seen it because I’m quite ignorant, an attempt to see it will be made but sadly in the end I’ll probably just end up watching Die Hard 2.

iPhone Wanker

iPhone wanker. That’s what I think about people with iPhones yet I have unfortunately become one of the most unbearable people you can ever speak to. “It’s fucking brilliant, it’ll change your life, I’ve got an app for everything” SHUT UP! After the tragedy of owning a Blackberry and it subsequently breaking I’ve been using something that would be out of date in The Bronze Age, imagine a phone where you can’t access the internet, if I went on any longer I’d have ended up like Travis Bickle.
Admittedly I was quite excited about getting the iPhone, having listened to the superlatives of an Applephile for the past year I had this image in my head that it was the answer to all my problems, like a pocket Jesus. What ensued when I finally got it was a frustrating hour and a half updating my iTunes thanks to an archaic internet connection. I had an iPhone but I couldn’t use it, I guess this is what strip clubs are like, you can look but you can’t touch, great, I’ll just sit here with an erection like the scary guy sat next to me.
iTunes eventually updated and it turned out that what I had in my hand was just a phone. No moment of clarity, no epiphany, just a phone. I have Twitter back as well the freedom to check Wikipedia whenever I can’t place an actor in a film and apart from that it’s just a phone and one that I am terrified of breaking. You ever seen anyone in real life dance with an iPod like they do in the adverts? That bitch must be crazy dancing round with it in her hand, she’ll drop it! There are games and this is what most people go on about and while they’re mildly fun they are no reason to harass people proclaiming that I have the greatest game ever made ON MY PHONE OMG!!!
Just like the Kindle, you can have a Kindle on your iPhone which is great if you like reading on a tiny screen which I don’t. I understand the appeal to having a whole library in your pocket and being able to read something on the go but generally I don’t read more than one book in a month let alone a journey, and I doubt anyone else does apart from Jonny 5 and let’s face it you probably just drank some Pepsi out of what’s left of him. What’s more is that everyone has that fantasy of reading a book and impressing every attractive girl/guy who walks past them, you don’t get that with a Kindle or an iPhone, they don’t know you’re reading their favourite book, you’re probably playing Angry Birds.
I heard all kind of crazy shit about the apps store, and what it actually contains is just a bloated selection of useless looking things you don’t need and will probably never use. Why would anyone want to see what they’d look like if they were fat and what happens when a fat person uses Fatbooth? Is there a Thinbooth? There is an app that promises to track the location of anyone’s mobile phone which would seem a little dangerous if it actually worked. What’s surprising is the amount of people who have bought this app and then written a review to say how shit it is and it doesn’t work, of course it doesn’t work, if you didn’t already think that and somehow didn’t read the 300 odd reviews saying exactly that then you deserve what you get. It’s shocking how angry people get over 59p.
I can’t help but feel ashamed of owning an iPhone, it’s almost like an affliction in the sense that I have become an iPhone wanker. In company I have kept it hidden in my pocket in fear that people will think of me as some sort of iPhone wanker who will speak to them at great lengths about how it changed my life and it would change their lives if only they had one. If someone asks you if it’s good how do you say yes without sounding like a total dickhead? It was the same with a Blackberry, “Oh look at you with your la de da Blackberry, sending an email are you? You make me sick”. Yet with a simple phone I’m laughed at while people with other phones are constantly asked “why don’t you just get an iPhone?” and people without a mobile phone get burned at the stake for being witches. There’s probably an app for that.

Holding out for a Hero

It’s been a strange year in the world of those little computer video games, you know, those things the kids play which make them shoot up schools. It could be a sign that I’m growing up but not much has really blown me away this year, the one game I was looking forward to was Fable III and it was totally akin to my excitement of Spider-Man 3 and then seeing it.
It came out over a month ago but the feeling in my toes has only just come back and I am now able to write about Fable III. Like Spider-Man 3 it’s not all bad but you can’t help but feel it could have been much much better. The Fable franchise is somewhat infamous or at least famous for its flaws. The purpose of a sequel is to improve on its predecessor, Fable II did that while having its own long list of flaws but sadly Fable III took one of these flaws and improved it a bit and forgot about the rest of them.
I shouldn’t have been so naïve to believe in Peter Molyneux’s hyperbolic ramblings about the game’s improvements, the time he spent on talking about the game surely could have been spent on making it better but still I was watching the interviews on IGN and Xbox Live genuinely excited that we might finally have a perfect Fable game. All that was needed was to iron the creases out of Fable II, put in a few new features and a good story and we’d have what we all wanted.
We were promised that the pretty terrible pause menu would be fixed with a super awesome interactive one and while we have it exactly as they described it would be, you don’t really need to use it that often, you won’t change your clothes because there aren’t that many and you won’t notice any difference in the weapons you use, nor will you appreciate John Cleese telling you that there are new items in the Sanctuary shop every two minutes.
The most irritating thing about Fable III though is the lag, why is there lag when I‘m not even playing online? It’s like I’m playing a game on an outdated PC. Combine this with the useless “breadcrumb trail” and you will spend most of your time getting frustrated as you’re left jerking around the screen not knowing where to go. Red Dead Redemption was so enjoyable because you could just explore, in Fable you only get little segments of the world and it doesn’t let you appreciate the world they have created. You can see a massive city in the horizon but when you get there it’s noting more than a few streets, and somehow it feels smaller than the last game with quite a few locations omitted, perhaps to sell to us in DLC?
What was disappointing about Fable II was the lack of stuff to do and there is even less to do in Fable III. They’ve even taken out some of the good stuff like the pub games and replaced it with…nothing. They’ve created this expansive world and not only do we not get to see all of it we don’t get to live in it either. Making friends and raising a family is so inconsequential there’s hardly any point in doing it and the new feature of having to complete a quest to do so makes it a tedious waste of time. The jobs are now incredibly easy yet mind numbingly repetitive, if I wanted that I’d just go to work but even that would be more fun than pressing 3 buttons again and again.
I said the most irritating thing was the lag but thinking about it the story ruins the game. The plot sees you on a quest to overthrow your evil brother and take over the throne which immediately contradicts a massive mechanic of the game. You can choose to be good or evil yet when the plot negates that you are good it seems silly that you can go around killing the citizens you are trying to save. Furthermore when you do overthrow your brother it turns out that his means were justified and you can choose to do everything he did and if you don’t you end up being just as hated as he was living in a world full of corpses once you finish the game leaving you unable to complete the side quests.
The game seems too linear especially in the second half and it suffers from shifting the villain from your brother to a dark entity which is absent for much of the game. You are told this entity known as Steve (I can’t remember its name) will attack your land in one year yet all you do is decide on things like choosing to restore an orphanage or turn it into a brothel and this takes any tension out of the game and when Steve does attack it is incredibly disappointing ending all too easily and on such a small fanfare. End boss battles are supposed to be OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN, this didn’t even tug it.
It is still an enjoyable game but continuing the Spider-Man 3 metaphor, it’s the bad that sticks with you. The developers have aimed to make the game more accessible yet the first two were hardly the most complicated of games and what we’re left with is a diluted version of Fable II which lags. As the video game market expands it has to cater for a wider audience meaning any concept the casual gamer doesn’t understand is removed which is pissing in the mouths of the not so casual gamer, why should we have to suffer because some prick doesn’t know how to level up properly or understand a complex (or even simple) plot?
I’m getting bored of games and this was supposed to be the game to restore my faith in them, instead I’ve been reading books! READING! What’s happened to me? If Fable IV is going to work then they have to start from scratch, go back to the beginning of the mythology they've created and make a game about being a hero, keep the style and humour, write a simple story with a decent ending and perhaps most importantly, make sure it doesn't lag.