Dickumentary

Amongst the murky pool of geekdom I bathe in, I sometimes, on occasion, just a little bit, like to immersive myself in something intellectual. Since starting this blog I have written about nothing but films, TV shows, and video games. I’m an idiot so this is unlikely to change, but for one night only I am going to write about something different…the documentary.

So yeah, we’re still on TV shows, but at least it isn’t about Lost or Fringe, or Babylon 5 or whatever the kids are watching these days. I rarely watch documentaries partly because they are generally an hour long and require you to pay attention, I’m not a square (I am definitely a square) so I struggle to stay focused for more than twenty minutes. They could definitely jazz the documentary up a bit.

It’d be foolish to say that documentaries and intellect go hand in hand, because anyone who has seen ITV or BBC3 (or god help you ITV3) will know the true extent of stupidity on TV. Take any documentary with Fearne Cotton (someone so vacuous the only way to describe her is “as vacuous as Fearne Cotton“) in it. I have written in the past about the state of comedies on BBC3, but it’s their factual programmes that should warrant a refund for your TV licence. Actually I take that back, nothing is as bad as their comedies, but you get what I mean, their documentaries are awful. Awful in a way that a lot of people like though, mostly about naughty kids having kids of their own, and how they are spoilt, and how YOU should hate them because it’s YOUR money they’re spending on going out, and YOU definitely wouldn’t stoop so low on the hierarchy of decency because YOU’RE not an absolute wanker. Go on, judge these poor bastards! They deserve it! 

These programmes (Jeremy Kyle without the studio audience) want you to hate the people in them, and that’s easy because you want to hate them. It’s our equivalent to the two minute hate in Nineteen Eighty Four, only narrated by our pal Fearne. The tiniest of things can rile me up, the last thing I need is to actively seek irritation, I’d have a stroke before I could shout “you‘re a fucking idiot!”

Still, this is marginally better than those body shock style documentaries. What started as fascinating insights to people with shocking disabilities has turned into a sort of freak show where we can all point and laugh, and be glad that our balls are smaller than our heads unlike the poor sod on screen. You could argue that these shows are a step towards tolerance, but by proclaiming these bodies to be shocking, it clearly states that they are hideous, and worthy of a whole hour to gawp and grimace in amazement at them. You wouldn’t see Gok Wan make John Merrick strip naked in a shopping centre telling him “it’s all about the confidence”. It’s not about them, it’s about us feeling better about ourselves. 

There’s always the factual channels on Sky I hear you say, but there’s only so many facts about Nazis, endangered species, and massive engines you can keep in your head without it exploding. These channels are pretty pointless because Sky isn’t for watching specific programmes, it’s for browsing when you have nothing better to do, and are too bored to pay attention to anything longer than two minutes. The constant accident lawyers, cash for gold, and cash for phones adverts ensure you don’t become too enthralled in anything but your own depravity, making it very difficult to maintain a pulse, let alone watch a documentary about the end of the world.

I mainly look towards the BBC for knowledge, who generally have a knack for combining interesting facts with amazing presentation, (usually) any wildlife doc, or the absolutely brilliant Wonders of the Solar System for example. I bought Planet Earth on DVD not so long ago, but struggled to get through the first episode due to the sheer heartbreaking story of a baby elephant walking into certain death. I got over it eventually (I didn’t).

Wonders of the Solar System however did not tell any tragic stories and as a result, I loved it. Aside from spectacular visuals, and an interesting subject matter, what made this show so accessible was its presenter, Professor Brian Cox. Most presenters are quite frankly dull and boring, but Brian Cox is able to make whatever he talks about infinitely interesting. It is hard not to find his enthusiasm for science infectious, and he is able to describe concepts simply without being patronising. I’d like to see more presenters like Cox because I’d tune in whatever the subject in question, and would inevitably learn more. Sadly, it seems that only old men in tweed want to teach us stuff, and I find that boring. Why not give David Mitchell a history series? I’d love it, he’d love it, seriously, why not?

What prompted this post was Norman month on the BBC, or at least it is Norman month in my mind because there are a hell of a lot of programmes about the Normans. I’m trying to get in the spirit of it all, but if I’m going to start learning about history, I want to learn from the very beginning. This leads to the obvious conflict of Evolution and Creationism ending in Richard Dawkins beating up anyone who mutters the word God (he might be right, but there’s no need to be a cunt about it). I’m willing to live with any creationists being offended though, and would love to see a comprehensive history of everything, even if it would take years to film. No doubt Fearne Cotton would present it. Shit.