Guerrilla Warfare

Some things make me sick. War for example, or animal cruelty, or even human cruelty if I’m in an extra sensitive mood. Though what has really disgusted me this week has been something far worse. I was happily watching that thing called television, when I saw an advert for an upcoming television show (or so I thought). Some ultra trendy looking young people walking in slow motion all serious and that like they’re on a catwalk, so earnest that they look like they've been told if they make one wrong move, the director will shoot a puppy. While I’m watching this I’m trying to figure out what it’s for. It looks like some fashion show, it can’t be Gok Wan because that advert would be made up entirely of fat ugly naked people and a gay Chinese man. It must be some fashion reality show, yep, it’s definitely that. Then I see Tony from Hollyoaks.

Yes, this is in fact an advert for Hollyoaks. Apparently they have some new cast members, who have seemingly been picked for their brilliant acting skills, and absolutely in no way because of their looks. I’m no expert, but I’m confident that there is not a single town in the Chester area, where the entire population has come from the inside of a Next catalogue, with the exception of Tony of course.

I used to watch Hollyoaks as a child. We only had 5 channels at the time and at 6pm the news was on most of them. Not being a fucking square I watched Hollyoaks, which meant I was a fucking moron. It was during my tenure as an avid viewer that they started to make it a bit racy, and introduce late night episodes, and repeat a rape storyline every year. Everyone in Chester has been raped, it’s a fact if Hollyoaks is real, and it totally is.

The producers noticed that most people who watched it were blokes perving over the women, so they got rid of the less attractive ones and brought in more ladies who would appear in Nuts and Zoo every week, thus encouraging every Nuts and Zoo reader to tune in. But how do we get the girls to watch it? They like soaps anyway. But this one is the shittest! Lets get rid of the uglier men and introduce some “hunks”. Will we call them hunks? Yes, and we’ll have some gay ones. What about a gay Patrick Kielty lookalike? Yes, him too. You’re going to have to tell Tony to fuck off. I don’t have the heart, he can stay.

The cast are getting younger and younger until it will be exactly like Skins, though Skins is just a glorified Hollyoaks, so they will become the same entity, confusing thousands (it can’t attract millions of viewers can it?) resulting in a 28 days later style outbreak.

It’s amazing that this isn’t the most annoying thing about Hollyoaks, this is. Yep, a book that’s not about the characters of Hollyoaks, but about the “actresses” who play them. The front cover reads “Boys, bodies, relationships, fame, and the important issue of what to wear”. I have not read it, but I am confident it is the most vile thing committed to paper since someone told Jordan she should write a book. It’s one thing to write a book about characters from a soap, but to write one about the “opinions” from the actresses who “portray” them is just moronic.

I don’t even think the cast is that attractive, they all blend into one another, I can’t tell the difference. It’s like a horrible science fiction film about a dystopian future full of clones that have gone wrong. Still, if you don’t like it don’t watch it, and I don’t, but I haven’t got a choice when adverts like this sneak up on me, or when books appear out of nowhere when I am shopping for a real one. It’s guerrilla warfare and there is only one person to blame, Che Guevara. That’s right, Hollyoaks is all his fault.