Bite my shiny metal airs

It’s hard to maintain a blog about all things geek without mentioning 3D all the bloody time. For something that annoys me anyway, it’s even more annoying to write about it all the time, but it’s inescapable, so here is another diatribe on the art of 3D.
Avatar: The Last Airbender is coming in a face near you very soon, and it promises not only air bending in 3D, but fire bending, and water bending, and even gender bending (probably). They’ve now got rid of the Avatar bit of the title because there was another film with that name apparently. I haven’t got a problem with the actual film as such, it’s probably shit, but it’s the marketing that is really getting to me.
The trailer currently on TV doesn’t state anything about the story or plot, but simply tells you that you can see in amazing 3D, not only air bending, but fire and water bending…and that’s it. And if you don’t know what element bending is, which you don’t, then they show you, with a greatly exaggerated example of what looks like a cinema audience being horribly burned.
Now I’m not an idiot (I thunk), and as a result I won’t be enticed into seeing this film just because of the 3D effects, even if they are AMAZING! (I have no idea if they actually are). People are stupid though, and will think “holy fuck, how have I gone through life without seeing air bending in 3 fucking D all this time? I’m there!” No one knows what air bending is though, but perhaps it will become as popular as 3D and you won’t be able to see a film without there being air bending in it. They’ll remake classics, so you can actually be Gone with the Wind, frankly my dear, I don’t give a breeze!
This is all a ploy though to distract you from the fact that M.Night “What a twist” Shyamalan has directed the film. Desperately seeking redemption for a handful of shite films, this could be his last chance to win back the reputation he gained with The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, the latter being the only film of his I have truly enjoyed. I might have enjoyed The Sixth Sense had it not been for what I can only describe as a cunt at school ruining the twist.
With the lack of a recognisable cast with the exception of Dev Patel (what‘s he doing in this anyway?), there aren’t many other reasons to reel in an audience, so the film’s hopes rest purely on it’s 3D prowess, but this isn’t how films should work, they should be about the story, the script, the acting, the directing, not how many different types of benders there are. Special effects don’t make a good film, and for The Last Airbender’s budget, you could make over 5000 Clerks.
If you hate 3D though but love bending, you can see the film in 2D, in fact the trailer states this right at the end, albeit in a very negative tone, as if saying “you can see this in 2D, but we’ll all think you’re a prick”. As the 3D phase is becoming more prominent, films are actually becoming more two dimensional, and it will only get worse. Thankfully Sex and the City 3D will be the end of the fad, but a three dimensional Sarah Jessica Parker will be the end of the world as we know it.

Whoah! It's 3D!

So Nintendo have done it again, or at least we all assume they will do it again, and bring out another “game changer“ (who came up with that phrase?). The Nintendo DS revitalised handheld gaming, and introduced a new way of playing games. Take Trauma, one of the most brilliant yet difficult and frustrating games I have ever plated, where you undertake the role of a surgeon, using the stylus to make incisions, suture wounds, and in one case defuse a bomb. Actual surgery must be easier than Trauma. Without Nintendo’s technology this game wouldn’t have been made, and while thousands of absolutely shit awful games have been released on the DS, you still have to take your hat off to Nintendo, even if they do shit in it.

Then they gave us the Wii, which redefined the way the mass public think about gaming. The Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 are like the naughty kids at school, where as the Wii is that nerdy little square. Everyone loves the Wii, Ant and Dec say so! What could be more fun than waving your arms up and down?

The Wii is one of the most innovative pieces of technology we’ve seen in the last few years, and has even had Microsoft and Sony desperately clamber after Nintendo with their own versions. Sadly, not everyone is as creative as Nintendo, and as a result there are only about 10 games worth owning on the Wii and DS combined, and the majority of those feature Mario. Not to the mention the Wii is basically just a Gamecube in disguise.

With the announcement of the 3DS, things are actually looking peachy. You don’t need 3D! glasses, Kid Icarus looks pretty darn good, you can watch 3D! movies on it, take 3D! photos, and they are releasing Ocarina of Time on it. Just like the DS and Wii though, you would be sane to assume that there will once again be less than a handful of games worth playing, and once you get over the novelty of 3D! It will stay in a draw until you decide to sell it so you can buy a George Foreman Lean Mean 3D Cooking Machine.

I’ve never really been too keen on 3D anyway. Growing up, it was only ever a gimmick, and one I never got. Ooo, another dimension! We are all fine without 3D, it’s a safe bet that your favourite film is in good ol’ 2D, and may even be in black and white and even in some arty foreign language. In no way does 3D enhance your movie experience, and it is nothing more than a cheap (well very expensive) trick to distract you from an average (or terrible) plot/script.

I wear glasses at the cinema, to wear ANOTHER pair of glasses over mine is beyond a pain in the arse. It’s far from a pleasant endeavour, and it just hurts my eyes, especially if the film is nearly 3 hours long, and essentially just Aliens meets Blue Pocahontas.

Every blockbuster seems to be in 3D now, and while some use it amazingly well (Up and Avatar), some just hurriedly paint it on in a get rich quick scheme, they might as well not bother and just ask you for some money. I fear that this isn’t a gimmick that will fade out, but it will actually replace scripts altogether, and films will just become 3D avatars of film execs reaching out of the screen and taking your wallets, and you won’t mind because it like really looks good and stuff.

It doesn’t stop at the cinema, we are now being shouted at to spend thousands of our pounds to purchase a 3D TV, just like we were urged to buy HD DVDs. It is likely that once Nintendo release the 3DS, other companies will soon come up with their own “no 3D glasses required” technology, and we will be stuck with our obsolete TV’s, and our stupid little glasses.

The next logical step for Nintendo will be a 3D Wii, and then after that 4D, where every time you face Bowser on Super Mario 4D, you’re set on fire, and run around your living room clutching your burnt arsehole.