Much like Avatar, Alice in Wonderland was a financial success and another purveyor of that silly 3D thing. I didn’t have any expectations going into the cinema to see Alice but somehow I still left the cinema quite bitter that I had spent £10.50 on such a pile of shite.
Alice in Wonderland is a perfect argument to why 3D is the scourge of all that is holy in the world of cinema. 3D distracts the audience from the art on the screen (or lack of it), people have paid extra for the 3D effects so they want to be wowed by them, shock and awe! Many films have been more of technological demo of 3D than a well told story and the success of these films rests predominantly on the quality of the effects.
In Alice’s case the effects weren’t up to scratch. Before that fateful night I walked into the cinema I had only seen two films in 3D, the wonderful Up and of course Avatar, I thought this was what all 3D looked like, good, but I was wrong. This is a film that needed the 3D to distract us from everything else, it needed to wow but all it did was illicit groans. I haven’t watched a film in 3D since, if you wear glasses at the cinema you will now how irritating and uncomfortable it is to wear two pairs of glasses, the last thing you need is to go through a horrible ordeal like Alice in Wonderland again.
In a way the 3D has distracted us from the film because it made over a billion dollars at the box office despite being fuck awful. The dollars dictate that the film was a success but it should be seen as a failure. It was a sequel of sorts but re-treaded every little detail of the original story so much so that it was more a remake if anything. Every introduction of a new character felt forced, it was like one of those rides where you’re in a little car and you slowly meander through a fairy tale world seeing one thing after the other. Perhaps it’s what the executives wanted and it’s hard to tell them they were wrong when they’re a billion dollars richer.
The same goes for Johnny Depp, how do you tell him his films aren’t very good when they make so much money? Depp does the kooky shit better than anyone else in the business but when you play a weird kooky character in every film they all become quite normal because that’s what we‘ve come to expect. It’s hard to relate or connect with any of his characters because they are so cartoon like, and in a way he’s become as two dimensional as Vin Diesel. I’m not saying these two men share the same talents but it would be interesting to see Depp portray a normal guy every now and again.
You can hate Alice in Wonderland for being a terrible film and that’s fine, but you should really hate it along with Avatar for starting the 3D trend, and above all, for taking £10.50 out of my pocket.
The X-Factor
So I pretty much successfully avoided The X-Factor this year, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a go at it. Talent shows are like rapists and murderers, they’re out there, you can try to avoid them, but sometimes you just can’t. I certainly felt violated when I saw a young girl in a tracksuit rapping, and there’s not a word to describe how I felt when I saw an audience applauding what was clearly a paedophile.
It’s all about gimmicks in The X-Factor now, oh look at Jedward, they’re mentally ill and fun aren’t they? Let’s have more of that, two gay guys? Check! A fat Irish woman? Check! A paedophile? Let’s have two! But what about the kids? Yes! Let’s put some kids in there! The only thing that will increase the ratings than Usher shouting at us will be a live molestation of One Direction.
If you are offended by that then you are almost as offended as I am by this show. It’s not entertainment, it’s a business, and it’s certainly not music, it’s just a fancy karaoke. Yet it is still one of most popular shows on television, everyone talks about it and it’s undeniably shit. It’s like Simon Cowell is throwing the same piece of shit at you again and again and you’re just fine with it, actually no simile is needed that’s exactly what it is.
It’s the same thing over and over but that’s what the public likes, just how have Eastenders and Corrie remained so popular over the years? By being the same thing over and over and over, that’s how. They could repeat the first series of The X-Factor next year and no one would know. “Oh Cheryl looks amazing!” “That’s Sharon Osbourne.” “She can look however she wants she’s had a tough time with the divorce and the malaria“, OH FUCK OFF! If we can accept cunts like Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and Gordon Ramsey (I wish that was shit and not Gin being poured on him) then of course we’re going to idolise someone who’s only slightly a bit twatty.
It doesn’t end with the show because the charts are full of former winners and contestants and even judges, theatres are full of them, it all gets too much for you so you book a holiday, you go to Butlins and they’re fucking there as well! You’ve had enough of it but not to the point that you start listening to Rage Against the Machine. For a rage against the machine it was a very well organised campaign that actually required people to do what they’re told, take that consumerism! As predictable as the show itself, every December there will be hundreds of campaigns trying to debase The X-Factor and prevent it from having the Christmas number one. While we’re on this subject, who gives a fuck about the Christmas number one anyway? It’s not like there’s a prize of immortality for the winner. I agree that The X-Factor winner’s single is dreadful but the way I deal with that is that I don’t buy or listen to it, I don’t like Rage Against the Machine so I don’t buy or listen to their music, these campaigns are as dictatorial as The X-Factor is and buying something else because someone told you is worse. People will buy the single, and they’ll buy the Matt Cardle book (YES HE HAS A FUCKING BOOK!) and if you have a problem with that then it’s sort of like having a problem with idiots, and you’re no better than the Nazis.
I planned to write about other things that annoyed me in 2010 but looking back over the inaugural year of the rascal I’ve pretty much covered everything that could irritate a twat with too much time on his hands.
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