BOND IS BACK!

BOND IS BACK! Or he will be back, sometime next year, schedule permitting. I’m going to throw it out into the wide open, I don’t like James Bond, and you may think you like James Bond but let me tell you that you don’t, you don’t you hear me! James Bond is for people who read Haynes manuals and do crosswords, Alan Partridge loves James Bond, I wouldn’t be surprised if every hardcore Bond fan owned a Castrol GTX jacket. 

My problem with Bond doesn’t stem from the average quality of the films, it’s with the character himself. James Bond should be the epitome of coolness, that’s what they want you to think, it’s what they’re aiming for, they may have succeeded back in the 60’s when womanising was cool but in this modern age, he’s a massive prick. If my job involved having a licence to kill and I used it, I wouldn’t be so chirpy all the time I’d be a fucking wreck, I certainly wouldn’t make quips about it! “How was work darling?” “I did another murder! I can’t go on!” Not that I’d have a wife is I was James Bond, because I’d be too fucking sexy for one woman, no I’d saunter around the world fucking everything I see with the worst chat up lines in the world inexplicably working every time, and not only that I’d wear a tuxedo 24/7! ARGH! 

So Bond is a murdering womanising unfunny prick in a tux, not only that he wears expensive watches which he MUST point out to you and drives expensive cars and smashes them up, tax payers probably paid for that Aston Martin as well as all your tuxes James, if that’s your real name! 

The films aren’t much better, they are not bad but for a franchise with such a high reputation there is not one film that is amazing, and there’s 22 of them! Furthermore there are some pretty dog shit ones as well, take Die Another Day for example. A North Korean man turns into an English man via a DNA transplant or some crazy shit, he creates some kind of artificial sun which he uses to chase Bond off a cliff, who somehow survives and kills the North Korean/English man, and to make matters worse Madonna is in it. If it wasn’t a Bond movie you’d spit your beverage in my face, but because it’s Bond they get away with it, people see it and they like it. If something is a classic you condition yourself to like it, to be receptive of it and that’s what we do with Bond, we think it’s great because we’re told it’s great, by middle aged men who still think womanising is the bees knees. 

With the news of a 23rd film many have come in their pants but I’ve not got so much as a semi, I hope I’m wrong and “Live and Let Quantum Diamonds Kill Forever in Russia Another Day Pussy Royale” is a great film.