Hate-Factor

It’s perhaps a little clichéd of myself to come out and say I despise the X-Factor, but hey what, of course I do, and I despise it more than I did last year. The reason for this is because I didn’t watch it last year, but like a serpent handing out free apples it was too hard to resist and I just had to watch it to see what’s going to happen to my country.

Every year it’s always the same, that’s what I’ve always said, but surprisingly this year it has evolved. No, not the new judges, they’re exactly the same as the last, but the contestants are different. We’ve had gimmicks in the past but with the ever increasing popularity of Twitter we now have trends, and that’s what the contestants are this year, sixteen trends. It doesn’t matter if they can’t sing, we just want to talk about them.

Take Essex girls 2 Shoes for example, or as I like to call them, Two Shoes, or Matt Lucas and David Walliams in drag. Everything about these girls is fucking awful, but they’re from Essex, and even as Tulisa spelled out for us all, Essex is very “current” right now. Yes, because TOWIE has become inexplicably popular so to has anyone from Essex. The stereotype is that everyone from Essex is a horrible human being, they’re stupid, they’re orange, they’re self obsessed, and watching them makes us feel good about ourselves, but it also aggrandises the act of being from Essex. If these were two stupid orange girls from Wiltshire we wouldn’t give a fuck, but because Essex is “current” we do give a fuck. Say something Essex! “This is so emosh” HAHAHA, do something Essex! “I’m so happy being pregs” HAHAHA, she’s pregnant, typical Essex. They’re singing a cheesy song in a pink car, and she’s smeared lipstick all over her face and she looks like one of the Joker’s henchmen, HAHAHA, typical Essex.

Apart from talking about people from Essex, we like to talk about people who are just total wankers, and that’s what Frankie “The Virgin” Cuntcozza is to his parents. For everyone else, he’s worse. I admire the X-Factor producers for their meticulous research and ability to find the smallest thing and fucking run with it. For Frankie they found out (without too much trouble I imagine) that he has some girl’s names tattooed on his arse. That’s dynamite! Let’s run with that, we’ll portray him as a lothario and girls will love him. Why? Why would they love him? He’s a prick who’s admitted he’s only in the competition to fuck girls, he’s going to use his fame to take advantage on vulnerable girls with low self esteem. He should be put on the register, but girls do apparently love him, shouting such inanity as “why r u so fit?” (that’s how she’d spell it). People who brag about having sex are the people who don’t have sex, and it won’t be a surprise that his sob story will be all about how he’s a virgin. For now, he’s just a cunt.

Cuntcozza will only cater for a relatively small hatred demographic, so they needed someone we can all hate and that’s why they’ve put the mentalist Kitty through. Anyone with the name Kitty who is not an actual cat is likely to be a mentalist. That’s the clue and the producers probably looked out for the name on applications. Ah Kitty! Get her in here right now! And fortunately for the producers, she is a mentalist and could potentially be the most hated contestant in the show’s history. Twitter went livid when she got through to the final sixteen, but they should be happy, they get to talk in anger about her for the next twelve weeks. People will vote for her just so they can carry on hating her.

At least Kitty sings though, the majority of this year’s contestants are intent on rapping their way through the “competition“, because Cher Lloyd was a hit wasn’t she? Urban music has become the most popular music so it kind of makes sense that the contestants are rapping, but really it doesn’t. They’re not saying anything political or profound, there is no wisdom or nous emanating from their mouths, they are just saying things, or just as Rhythmix (or shitmix) did this weekend, they’re just copying what someone else said. The talent is in what you say, not how you say it, covering someone else’s bars (I’m streets ahead) is redundant. Reciting Wordsworth does not make me a poet, reciting Niki Minaj does not make me a rapper.

The next twelve weeks are superfluous though because they’ve already found their winner. She can sing, she makes up her own raps, her surname is a single letter, yes, Misha B looks like she’s already won. They give her the most popular song of the year, they give her the most extravagant outfit, they give her the most dancers, and they even sit her in a fucking throne. They want you to vote for Misha B and they’ll manipulate you into it. There is no free will in The X-Factor and that’s why I hate it, it’s a totalitarian nightmare. If we don’t vote for Misha B then they’re going to put another contestant on a pedestal (literally) and manipulate us into voting for them. The only way out of this Orwellian torment is altruism, we all stop watching it and then they’ll just have to stop. But then what would we talk about?