Torch My Wood

I’ve always laughed at Torchwood. Probably in the same way “normal” people laugh at Doctor Who. I’ve always ignorantly declared it as shit without ever watching a whole episode. As with Doctor Who, every now and again I would catch a few minutes of Torchwood, and dismiss it as nerdy bollocks. These days my bollocks are considerably nerdy, now a fan of Doctor Who I wilfully turned on the new series of Torchwood. Or maybe I should say season.

The Americans have put a bit of money into Torchwood and in a sense have hijacked our British sci-fi series and made it their own. Bloody yanks, coming over here and taking our shows, increasing the budget and hiring better actors. While a sense of national pride may lament this Americanisation of the series, we have to admit that in general US TV shows are much better than ours.

A spin-off of Doctor Who with a terrible anagram as a title, set in Wales, and starring John Barrowman? This is what has kept me away from Torchwood for so long. How much shit can happen in Cardiff anyway? About three series worth apparently. The Americans probably realised this and subsequently have moved season 4 over to the good ol’ US of A.

This entire series/season is based on one story in which people stop dying. Sounds alright doesn’t it? Well it turns out it’s shit. With the prospect of the world becoming drastically over populated it’s up to Torchwood and some CIA guys to find out what the hell is going on. Obviously the Americans didn’t want the whole series/season set in Wales though. How can you convey this tragedy in Cardiff? A place where it already looks like the living dead roam the streets. Instead Barrowman's Captain Jack is swiftly relocated to his homeland.

As a result we get some good acting. The standard BBC procedure for casting Americans is to just use Brits who can only do awful New Jersey accents, but this time they’ve found some real Americans. Mekhi Phifer and Bill Pullman no less. Pullman was the President in Independence Day, here he’s a convicted paedophile and murderer. It’s all gone wrong for him.

If you’re going to be shaking your fists at anyone in Torchwood it’ll be Pullman. After surviving an execution for his crimes, he is freed on a technicality, and just walks about looking all evil. He’s not the main villain however, we’re only two episodes in but it’s going to be the American government isn’t it? It’s always the American government, and usually the vice president. We shouldn’t really trust Joe Biden should we?

So far Barrowman has had relatively little screen time, the focus being on the global implications of an ever increasing population. Issues such as food shortages, overcrowded hospitals and drug resistant diseases have taken precedence over Barrowman running down a street and twatting someone in the face. Whenever he is on screen I think he’s suddenly going to burst into a number from West Side Story. Then the Welsh bird speaks and the accent ruins the whole tension.

Anthony Hopkins, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Christian Bale, all Welsh actors who don’t have Welsh accents. Would Batman have been as good if he had a Welsh accent? “Ooo this disbanded coal mine would make a good batcave mind. Anyone fancy some cheese on toast?”. A Welsh accent makes everything sound funnier, and as a result it makes Torchwood seem a bit comical at times. The breaches of health and safety in Fireman Sam were no laughing matter, but the accents made them funny. The comedy can be considered as a good thing though, after all there is a convicted paedophile walking about, you need to balance that shit with some comic relief. I’m sure Schindler’s List would have been easier to watch if it was set in the valleys.