Why you hate Fred Durst

It’s a Saturday night and you’re watching a film all cosied up on the sofa, you’re having a good time and suddenly in the corner of your eye you see a gigantic spider sprint across the room. HOLY FUCK! You leap out of your seat fearful for your life. After a five minute staring contest with said spider neither of you have moved. You decide to leap into action grabbing the closest thing to you that can be used as a weapon but by the time you are able to pounce the spider is gone. You stay weary of its return but it looks like it’s never coming back. Just as you start to get comfortable with life once more it strikes back!

The same thing has happened with Fred Durst. I thought we were done with him. Him and his stupid fucking red cap on backwards and his “fuck this, fuck that” attitude, a moron of the highest calibre. Barring a rather peculiar appearance in an episode of House, we hadn’t seen much of Fred Durst and his “band” Limp Bizkit, it looked as if they had finally called it a day, but I was horrified to discover that they’re back, and more pointless than ever.

My hatred for Limp Bizkit goes all the way back to school, where everyone seemed to love Limp Bizkit regardless of what clichéd social group they were part of. I didn’t. I didn’t get Limp Bizkit, or any music for that matter. At that time my CD collection consisted of the South Park compilation Chef Aid, and Eminem’s Marshall Mathers LP. Now because my opinion differed from the norm I was deemed “sad and gay” for not liking Limp Bizkit (or any nu metal band). Read that again. I was “sad and gay” because I didn’t like Limp Bizkit. School was a cruel mistress.

Even with my poor musical knowledge back then I was spot on with Limp Bizkit, which makes it all the worse that a few years later I started to listen to them. Yep, I became a dick. I guess my teenage angst was more latent than others my age, and when it became active I suddenly liked Limp Bizkit. Perhaps it was years of being worn down by their exposure or the derision I received from my friends that turned me to Limp Bizkit, but whatever the reason, it’s not an excusable one.

Fast forward a couple of years and I once again harbour a hatred for Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst and the rest of that early 00’s nu metal scene. It feels like it’s too late though, while I have never listened to a Kid Rock or Nickelback song out of choice I have uploaded Limp Bizkit and even Papa Roach to my ipod. That shit doesn’t leave you, it’s on your permanent record. When I’m dead and at the pearly gates Saint Peter is going to judge me for it and send me to hell. I’m sorry God.

We all look back on our pubescent music taste and cringe at the majority of what we used to call music. As a whole, the nu metal scene is comparable to that awful auto-tune R&B phase we’ve just been through. Nu metal was a competition to see who could tune their guitar as low as possible and shout fuck the loudest. Thankfully it was only ever a phase, pogs lasted longer than nu metal.

Its tenure may have been short lived but Fred Durst has provided us with wisdom only Oscar Wilde could ever dream of:

“If I say fuck two more times that’s 46 fucks in this fucked up rhyme”

“Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin‘”

“I hope you know I pack a chainsaw, I’ll skin your ass raw”

“I’d eat you alive…I’m sorry, so sorry, damn you’re so hot”

“Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’”

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck"

Fred Durst is 40 now though, he must have grown up, his red cap must be in the bin, his vocabulary must have improved and he must have some meaningful messages for the world, just like Bono does. We should give him another chance.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck"

So he still looks like a cunt, perhaps even more as he’s wearing a vest. Let’s listen to what he has to say though.

“Holdin’ the gold, it’s so gold, it’s so golden y’all, the golden cobra”

“Douche bag I’m a fuck you up, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you up” (it repeats)

No, he’s even more of a cunt than he used to be. If we can all just tell Fred no he’ll have to stop. Mick Jagger is 67, that means we could have another 27 years of Fred Durst, I can’t live through that, can you? No you can’t, so let’s do the right thing and stop this cunt called Fred Durst.