Some Like It Hoth

Star Wars is a bit shit isn’t it? As it’s May the fourth I feel pressured into watching the movies today like millions of others are, but instead of embracing the pun in today’s date, I’d rather just watch something else. I love Star Wars, there’s no denying it, I’ve known that Luke is Vader’s son longer than I’ve known Jesus is God’s son, but when you’re confronted by its critics it’s difficult to defend it and you have to agree that really, it is a bit shit.

It’s clichéd to blame George Lucas for ruining it for everyone but the sad truth is it’s entirely his fault. The original films didn’t need any special effects added to them, and the prequels never needed to be made. Part of the charm of Star Wars was imagining what made Anakin Skywalker turn to the dark side, how were Luke and Leia separated at birth? What exactly have R2-D2 and C-3PO been through? And what the fuck is the force? Questions that as a child let your imagination run wild, and this is what made it magic, not midi bastard chlorians (yes, I know I could have read the books).

I remember being insanely excited about seeing The Phantom Menace, I was twelve, too young to really judge the credentials of any film and as a result I thought it was pretty good. Nothing can truly annoy a twelve year old, not even Jar Jar Binks. Watching it on video a year later just wasn’t the same, Darth Maul still looked badass but it was boring, very boring, and it wasn’t Jar Jar I found most annoying, it was Anakin, if I was Obi Wan I would have drowned the fucker and saved everyone the hassle.

Episode II came out long after I had discovered masturbation and as a result I think I’ve only ever seen it once, I clearly had other things to be doing.

So, moving on to Episode III, where the shit just got real. While clearly the best of the prequels, Revenge of the Sith still had its problems, mainly the younglings, and that ending. Lucas had three opportunities to improve his franchise or at the very least to supplement it with a decent back story. What he did was make three very average films and ruin the reputation of the first trilogy.

I’m not that much of a moron to not understand that this is science fiction, but some of the shit is just ludicrous. A nine year old living in a desert has built a robot, a fucking robot who is fluent in over six millions forms of communication! Maybe he picked some of those up in his gap year. Anakin can build a robot but he can’t make a decent bit of breathing equipment over a decade later? This guy is supposed to be a genius yet he didn’t even think of Heelys or a Segway as a faster way of getting round the Death Star, what about strapping mouse droids to the bottom of his feet? Luke and Leia are separated at birth so Anakin can’t find them, Luke takes the Skywalker name and moves to his home planet and he still can‘t find him! He can’t build a robot, he’s a fucking idiot.

The franchise is ever expanding, TV shows, books and video games are constantly adding to its canon in every direction and there are no signs of it slowing down. Lucas says he’ll never film the last three episodes but the threat is still there, if there’s semen to be squeezed out of its shrivelled penis then it will be squeezed and when they’ve run out of Clone Wars and Old Republics we’ll see Episodes VII-IX. A blu-ray release of all six films is due later this year, and if the end of the world doesn’t kill you in 2012, The Phantom Menace in 3D just might.

Only Lucas knows what he’s going to tinker with next, perhaps Jar Jar Binks will be 30% more annoying, or Hayden Christensen’s face will be superimposed over the young Anakin, but whatever he does won’t make it a better film. It’s a pride and stubbornness that raped Indiana Jones, and has made it incredibly difficult to enjoy some of my favourite films. So on May the fourth, I say this to George Lucas, fuck you!