Call me old fashioned but I kind of liked making the effort to go out to Blockbuster to have an argument. “I don’t want to watch that Julia Roberts shite you bitch!” She’d say to me. Of course I don’t actually go to Blockbuster, I’ve spent the last five years buying DVDs instead of renting them, and now I’ve got no room in my house because of all the fucking awful DVDs I’ve bought. Give an idiot money and he will buy shit. Today I have no money or room to buy any DVDs, so renting films seems like a great idea once again. Imagine watching a film and not thinking “I’ve spent 10 fucking quid on this” all the way through.
While you have to put on trousers and leave your house to go to Blockbuster, Netflix and Lovefilm don’t even require you to get out of bed. Surely a service as great as this will put Blockbuster out of business, “Hey Blockbuster! It turns out I CAN rent films in my pants!”. Sign me up Netflix 30 day (or 31 day) trial! Sign me up now!
The first striking thing about Netflix isn’t that you can watch any film you want at the click of a button, but that you can watch any film that you DON’T want to watch at the click of a button. Trying to find a film to watch on Netflix is like trying to find a nun who’ll have sex with you. When it’s free it’s difficult to feel aggrieved, but when they catch me out and I have to pay £5.99 next month I’m going to pretty pissed off. Save for a few TV shows there isn’t much on Netflix. There are some good films but if you haven’t already seen The Usual Suspects chances are someone has already told you who the fuck Keyser Soze is.
Navigating through their horrible interface is as painful as any simile you can think of involving a penis. Genres are either too broad or too specific, who is ever in the mood for a visually-striking violent film? According to Netflix, me. Netflix suggests films for you after you tick a few boxes and rate a few films. Filling in your taste preferences seems simple enough: How often do you watch the following genres? Then you have to do the same for moods. Moods! Romantic, feel-good, scary, cerebral. Cerebral? What is that? Do they mean Inception or The Man with Two Brains? They also have steamy down as a mood! Steamy! Is it Top Gun or Thomas the Tank Engine? The options I’m given to answer are ridiculous: never, sometimes, often. I’ve seen steamy films but sometimes is a bit of an overstatement, yet I can’t say I’ve never seen them. I’m just going to leave it blank until I’ve seen enough steamy films.
Netflix tells me that the more films I rate the better it knows me, and to an extent it delivers on its promise. Because most of the films in its library are terrible I’ve rated them as such, and Netflix successfully predicts that I won’t like them. It still suggests them to me though. “Hey Dave! You’ll probably think this film is shit but you should watch it anyway!”
As long as it’s free, Netflix is a joy to behold, but paying £5.99 a month every month to watch Jason Statham and Nicholas Cage films would be a waste of £5.99. You’ll feel inclined to make the most of what you’re paying for and end up watching all kinds of films you never thought you’d want to see. You’ve paid for it now, you might as well use it. You might not have to put pants on and go out, it might even be cheaper, but you’re not going to see the film you want to see. You’re going to see Drive Angry.
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