The Rascal With The Tweezers In His Pocket: Celebrity Flagrance

The January sale. It’s clearly the invention of the devil. All that shit you bought for your family is now half price and all that shit you didn’t buy for yourself because it was too expensive and too frivolous is now just cheap enough to warrant spending the money you put aside for your car tax. You buy it all! All of it! Stuff! You buy endless amounts of stuff, it’s like a licence to be financially irresponsible, and for an hour you’re happy with your purchases until the pile of metre long Jaffa cake boxes becomes a portrait of regret.

I resent the January sale because I know it’ll defeat me. Something will be reduced just enough to warrant a purchase, and then how will I pay my car tax? It’s Boxing day and I turn on my laptop, I’m looking at clothes, I’m looking at DVDs and mail order brides and I buy nothing. I’ve survived! I’ve beaten the sale! And then I have a thought: I’ve run out of that aftershave I like. I’ve lost.

After looking at aftershaves for a while I started to realise how many celebrity fragrances there are, everyone has one, even Ian fucking Beale! Well not him, but that’s a plot the writers at Eastenders can have. Celebrities don’t stand for much these days but a fragrance is an opportunity to show the world their identity and what’s inside their soul, or so they think. The celebrity fragrance consumer must be pretty overwhelmed by the market and as such I’ve compiled a comprehensive guide.

Katy Perry - Purr

“The fragrance is a rich eau de parfum which opens with a fresh citrus accord of peach nectar and forbidden apple to awaken the senses.” - I bet it smells like candyfloss and cum.

Kim Kardashian - Kim Kardashian

“A modern fragrance for the modern woman. A beautiful blend of feminine and sensual notes, the debut fragrance captures the many sides of Kim's personality and glamorous style.” - Yes, because the modern woman is famous for being rich and famous. The many sides of Kim’s personality? I’ve had shits with more personality than her.

Justin Bieber - Someday

Click here for a much more detailed review.

Katie Price - Besotted

Besotted
adj
1. infatuated: made confused through affection for or attraction to somebody
2. muddled: in a confused mental state, especially through having drunk too much alcohol

Definitely the second one. Just look at that picture, is that a besotted face? You could put a photo of Hitler on the box and it would look more besotted.

Peter Andre - Mysterious girl

She’s only mysterious Pete because you don’t ask her name before you fuck her. I don’t think I’d be comfortable going out with someone who wore this fragrance. “What’s that smell?” “Peter Andre” “WHAT? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH HIM?”

Tulisa - TFB

It sounds like some kind of infectious disease but TFB stands for The Female Boss, because every celebrity needs a brand to sell right? Women, are you all happy with Tulisa claiming authority over you? Is that ok? If you’re going to call in sick (you might have caught TFB) make sure you let her know.

Paris Hilton - Stupid spoilt whore

Who is this for? The packaging would suggest young girls but look how whorey she looks even in cartoon form, it looks like hentai (a word not recognised by Microsoft word). They’ve really captured that vacuous look though. Eloquently blends top notes of sick with the musk of a thousand dicks.

Jade Goody - Shh…