The Three Musketeers
If 1993’s adaptation of The Three Musketeers told us anything it was that Americans don’t make good Musketeers, which is perhaps why they are all British in 2011’s adaptation. All except for D’Artagnan who is a stupid pissy whiny American. It’s bad that a film set in France is largely made up of British accents, but the fact that the main protagonist not only has an American accent, but an irritating one, is unforgivable. I could get over Leonardo DiCaprio’s “French” accent in The Man in the Iron Mask, I’m not that much of a pedant to let an accent ruin a film for me, but this one is just ridiculous.
Even if the stupid pissy whiny accent didn’t irritate me it looks like the rest of the film would. It’s as if Pirates of the Caribbean crash landed in 17th century Paris, even Orlando shitting Bloom is in it, presumably playing a camp pirate, as is everyone else apparently. Everything looks textbook Pirates from the mild peril to the woeful dialogue to the wooden acting.
Even if the stupid pissy whiny accents, mild peril, woeful dialogue and wooden acting didn’t irritate me the historical inaccuracies would. It’s the 17th fucking century! Why are there airships? That didn’t happen did it? I’d remember reading something like fucking airships. Its Wikipedia page claims it’s a steam punk influenced reinterpretation of the novel. No! If you want to make a steam punk film make a fucking steam punk film, don’t mash it up with a classic novel. And why do the Musketeers only ever use swords? Oh wait, it’s in 3D? I’m on board!
Abduction
“Sometimes I feel different” says Taylor Lautner, riding into school on a motorbike, with sunglasses on and no helmet. Seriously, we’re supposed to relate to this guy? He has every Apple product ever made for fucks sake! What’s this fancy facey program? It’s bullshit! Where is he getting all this expensive shit? Oh, here’s where I keep my spare BMW and this is where I keep my endless supply of leather jackets. And why is there a kiss scene? People are trying to kill him! There’s no time for kissing, the train is about to blow up!
Of course it looks awful but it’s still going to be successful as Twilight fans will kill to see one of the men they‘re in love with. And that’s all what Twilight and Abduction is about, lusting over a man. Lautner could sit in a box for 90 minutes and they’d still pay to see it. This tweenage lust for Lautner has propelled him further than his talent deserves and he’s suddenly found himself as the lead in Jason Bourne Junior. Abduction looks as if it should be a comedy akin to Mr and Mrs Smith, but what’s laughable is that Taylor Lautner is probably the new go to action guy for Hollywood, no doubt along with that D’Artagnan prick.
Battleship
I decided to include this before the trailer even started. Never judge a book by its cover. Never judge a film by its premise, unless that premise is based on the game Battleship. Having now seen the trailer to Battleship, Abduction is looking pretty good right now. I remember playing Battleship as a kid and my favourite thing about it was the bit where you wanted to marry a whore but her dad was Liam Neeson who was also your boss and you had to gain his respect by sinking ships. And Rihanna was there for some reason you couldn’t fathom.
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Cumberbatch and Freeman shit all over Downey Jr. and Law.
Jack And Jill
A lot of people LOVE Adam Sandler, they think he’s just swell. While I would distance myself from these people I do own a few of his films on DVD. Adam Sandler isn’t unfunny, it’s just that he pretty much plays the same character in every film, a loud obnoxious guy. Going the Eddie Murphy route, Sandler has gone for playing two loud obnoxious guys. It doesn’t so much look as Adam Sandler playing brother and sister, but Adam Sandler playing Adam Sandler and Adam Sandler in a wig. It all seems a little too much like Meet the Parents, they’ve even got an old famous actor! Oh wait, it’s Al Pacino, never mind.
Ok, that’s all I can handle for one day.
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