"I'm Gonna Kill Your Dick"

It was called the worst game ever, morally speaking (by people who haven’t played it), now Bulletstorm has actually been released have murder rates increased? Has there been a surge in youths kicking old
ladies into giant cacti? No, obviously.

The controversy surrounding Bulletstorm’s release was only ever going to be great publicity for it, why would anyone want to buy the most violent game ever? Maybe not a respectable lady but for fully grown boys it doesn’t get any better than the moniker “most violent game ever”. Not that we’re all sick in head, we can distinguish between murder and a pixelated animation ceasing to move.

There’s no doubt that Bulletstorm has received so much attention and hype because of its violent tendencies, yet the violence is the key to its creativity. In a world where all first person shooters look and feel the same, Bulletstorm attempts to push the boundaries and create something new. Where you would normally just shoot an enemy in a standard FPS, here you are asked to do it with style and are awarded points based on how creative you are.

While this sounds exciting and it initially is, in practice the number of ways to vanquish the pixels is quite limited, you can shoot, whip, kick, slide and shoot. A few hours into the game and it becomes a chore, the only new ways to kill arise in the surroundings, but once you’ve kicked an enemy into one thing, you’ve kicked him into everything.

This wouldn’t matter if the story was good, or even bad. Everything from the plot to the dialogue to the characters is just awful. I can’t remember the last time I played a game which didn’t have a flashback or 500 moments where my character wakes up on the ground disorientated (also known as COD shock).

I’m all for balls out punchy dialogue but somehow “I’m gonna kill your dick” just doesn’t do it for me. Its crude style is intended but where it could have been quite an amusing parody on dumb action movies (ala Duke Nukem) it’s just a bit shit and gets more irritating as you progress through the game.

Much of the dialogue or characterisation doesn’t make any sense, your character is tricked into killing innocent people so his retaliation is to kill, and kill, and kill some more, and while you enable him to do this he’ll come out with some one liners to show how much he enjoys it. Crime and punishment this ain’t. If games are to be taken seriously it’s not violence that will damage their credibility, it’s the quality of writing. Enslaved enlisted Alex Garland to write the story and maybe it’s time that other games did the same and nab an experienced writer.

It’s still a fun game with some great set pieces and bosses but maybe it’s best played with the sound turned down and cut scenes skipped. The inevitable sequel will inevitably up the ante to an inevitable cataclysm of gore and violence as all sequels do, and I’ll still be here to kill its dick.