iPhone Wanker

iPhone wanker. That’s what I think about people with iPhones yet I have unfortunately become one of the most unbearable people you can ever speak to. “It’s fucking brilliant, it’ll change your life, I’ve got an app for everything” SHUT UP! After the tragedy of owning a Blackberry and it subsequently breaking I’ve been using something that would be out of date in The Bronze Age, imagine a phone where you can’t access the internet, if I went on any longer I’d have ended up like Travis Bickle.
Admittedly I was quite excited about getting the iPhone, having listened to the superlatives of an Applephile for the past year I had this image in my head that it was the answer to all my problems, like a pocket Jesus. What ensued when I finally got it was a frustrating hour and a half updating my iTunes thanks to an archaic internet connection. I had an iPhone but I couldn’t use it, I guess this is what strip clubs are like, you can look but you can’t touch, great, I’ll just sit here with an erection like the scary guy sat next to me.
iTunes eventually updated and it turned out that what I had in my hand was just a phone. No moment of clarity, no epiphany, just a phone. I have Twitter back as well the freedom to check Wikipedia whenever I can’t place an actor in a film and apart from that it’s just a phone and one that I am terrified of breaking. You ever seen anyone in real life dance with an iPod like they do in the adverts? That bitch must be crazy dancing round with it in her hand, she’ll drop it! There are games and this is what most people go on about and while they’re mildly fun they are no reason to harass people proclaiming that I have the greatest game ever made ON MY PHONE OMG!!!
Just like the Kindle, you can have a Kindle on your iPhone which is great if you like reading on a tiny screen which I don’t. I understand the appeal to having a whole library in your pocket and being able to read something on the go but generally I don’t read more than one book in a month let alone a journey, and I doubt anyone else does apart from Jonny 5 and let’s face it you probably just drank some Pepsi out of what’s left of him. What’s more is that everyone has that fantasy of reading a book and impressing every attractive girl/guy who walks past them, you don’t get that with a Kindle or an iPhone, they don’t know you’re reading their favourite book, you’re probably playing Angry Birds.
I heard all kind of crazy shit about the apps store, and what it actually contains is just a bloated selection of useless looking things you don’t need and will probably never use. Why would anyone want to see what they’d look like if they were fat and what happens when a fat person uses Fatbooth? Is there a Thinbooth? There is an app that promises to track the location of anyone’s mobile phone which would seem a little dangerous if it actually worked. What’s surprising is the amount of people who have bought this app and then written a review to say how shit it is and it doesn’t work, of course it doesn’t work, if you didn’t already think that and somehow didn’t read the 300 odd reviews saying exactly that then you deserve what you get. It’s shocking how angry people get over 59p.
I can’t help but feel ashamed of owning an iPhone, it’s almost like an affliction in the sense that I have become an iPhone wanker. In company I have kept it hidden in my pocket in fear that people will think of me as some sort of iPhone wanker who will speak to them at great lengths about how it changed my life and it would change their lives if only they had one. If someone asks you if it’s good how do you say yes without sounding like a total dickhead? It was the same with a Blackberry, “Oh look at you with your la de da Blackberry, sending an email are you? You make me sick”. Yet with a simple phone I’m laughed at while people with other phones are constantly asked “why don’t you just get an iPhone?” and people without a mobile phone get burned at the stake for being witches. There’s probably an app for that.