King Firth

My last post didn’t take long to write at all, after all it’s much easier to write about something you feel disdain for than something you genuinely like. This blog is redolent with negativity, it thrives on it like a pig in shit. So it’s somewhat difficult and perhaps uninteresting to say that The King’s Speech is actually very good.
Of course you probably already know that, there’s a horde of positive reviews and it’s expected that Colin Firth will take home just about every award there is this year, even Slovenian footballer of the year. Despite knowing all this prior to seeing the film I predicted I wouldn’t enjoy it a great deal, I tend to resent these kind of films, how can they possibly live up to their pretentious reviews? They can’t be that good I think to myself and usually they’re not, but The King’s Speech somehow lived up to its grandiose reviews.
I often find critics get carried away with hyperbole when describing a performance as “powerful” or “mesmerising” or “like finding a pound - will make your day”. Much to the dismay of my cynicism Colin Firth’s performance in The King’s Speech is powerful, and it is mesmerising, it’s full of heart and soul, of fear and bravery, it’s like finding a five pound note. Yet Firth isn’t the only one to stand out, Geoffrey Rush is as equally impressive and in his short screen time Michael Gambon nearly manages to steal the whole darn show. Never have I ever sat at the cinema and thought to myself “wow this is good acting”, I’m not the sort of wanker who does that I ended up saying to myself (in my head - I‘m not mental) “gee whiz this is great acting”. What have I become?
It’s been embarrassing watching the English portrayed in film and television recently. Anyone who has seen The Tudors will understand what I mean, not only was it not interesting it was historically inaccurate as well. I understand that Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character but he is such a quintessential staple of our culture that it’s offensive if you besmirch us with something like Guy Richie’s adaptation. The King’s Speech is unequivocally English however and it makes up for these embarrassments by being a true depiction of our nation and our culture and it’s somewhat bewildering that it was written by an American.
To call it a historical drama doesn’t do it justice, foreign audiences (and even English) may feel alienated from the subject matter but they will relate its deeply personal content and this is what makes it special. Most historical films are very rigid and offer little in terms of true emotion and sentiment but you can relate to The King’s Speech, it is about overcoming fear above anything else and this is what sets it apart from the rest of the crowd. Of course nothing says overcoming fear like facing giant robots, so I will wait for Transformers 3 before I declare this the film of the year.

BOND IS BACK!

BOND IS BACK! Or he will be back, sometime next year, schedule permitting. I’m going to throw it out into the wide open, I don’t like James Bond, and you may think you like James Bond but let me tell you that you don’t, you don’t you hear me! James Bond is for people who read Haynes manuals and do crosswords, Alan Partridge loves James Bond, I wouldn’t be surprised if every hardcore Bond fan owned a Castrol GTX jacket. 

My problem with Bond doesn’t stem from the average quality of the films, it’s with the character himself. James Bond should be the epitome of coolness, that’s what they want you to think, it’s what they’re aiming for, they may have succeeded back in the 60’s when womanising was cool but in this modern age, he’s a massive prick. If my job involved having a licence to kill and I used it, I wouldn’t be so chirpy all the time I’d be a fucking wreck, I certainly wouldn’t make quips about it! “How was work darling?” “I did another murder! I can’t go on!” Not that I’d have a wife is I was James Bond, because I’d be too fucking sexy for one woman, no I’d saunter around the world fucking everything I see with the worst chat up lines in the world inexplicably working every time, and not only that I’d wear a tuxedo 24/7! ARGH! 

So Bond is a murdering womanising unfunny prick in a tux, not only that he wears expensive watches which he MUST point out to you and drives expensive cars and smashes them up, tax payers probably paid for that Aston Martin as well as all your tuxes James, if that’s your real name! 

The films aren’t much better, they are not bad but for a franchise with such a high reputation there is not one film that is amazing, and there’s 22 of them! Furthermore there are some pretty dog shit ones as well, take Die Another Day for example. A North Korean man turns into an English man via a DNA transplant or some crazy shit, he creates some kind of artificial sun which he uses to chase Bond off a cliff, who somehow survives and kills the North Korean/English man, and to make matters worse Madonna is in it. If it wasn’t a Bond movie you’d spit your beverage in my face, but because it’s Bond they get away with it, people see it and they like it. If something is a classic you condition yourself to like it, to be receptive of it and that’s what we do with Bond, we think it’s great because we’re told it’s great, by middle aged men who still think womanising is the bees knees. 

With the news of a 23rd film many have come in their pants but I’ve not got so much as a semi, I hope I’m wrong and “Live and Let Quantum Diamonds Kill Forever in Russia Another Day Pussy Royale” is a great film. 

The not as big as it could have been 2011 film preview!

So 2010 was fun right? Ignoring those two posts about how it wasn’t it was just swell. There was Kick-Ass, Scott Pilgrim, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Peep Show, The Walking Dead, Wonders of the Solar System, it sure was crazy, so can 2011 kick it in the balls?

127 Hours

Everybody loves James Franco, everybody loves Danny Boyle, nobody likes seeing an arm being cut off. That’s not entirely true because the Saw franchise was made possible by the public’s love of severed limbs and those very people who flocked to see Cary Elwes saw his leg off will give their right arm to see James Franco cut his right arm off. At the tender age of 17 I braved Saw (underage, fuck yeah I’m a rebel!) at the cinema but a DIY amputation is not something that would entice me to see a film these days. Danny Boyle’s name would though so I cannot wait for another of his famous feel good films of the year.

Black Swan

It’s about ballet! It’s psychological! The Oscars are going to eat this shit up. Yes it’s got loads of good reviews already and yes it’s going to win loads of Oscars, but will anyone really care? More than likely it’s going to be one of those films where appreciation is exclusive to film students and actual critics, the same people who were able to enjoy Lost in Translation. As I’m just a twat with a keyboard I doubt Black Swan will appeal to me, I get the feeling that the trailer promises it to be a hundred times more exciting than it actually is. Anyone who thinks it sounds a bit gay with the ballet remember this, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex in it, and if that’s gay I don’t know what to believe.

The Green Hornet

The first super hero film of the year looks to be a fairly low key affair. I was initially excited about this film when it was announced way back when, but when Stephen Chow dropped out I lost interest. Nevertheless Michel Gondry is directing and I haven’t seen Seth Rogen since Funny People, it looks silly and slightly camp and having not seen any super hero/comic book action since Scott Pilgrim it’s beginning to look like a great idea. It won’t be the biggest film of the year and possibly not even the biggest with Green in the title, it might be shit, it might be worse than shit but it’s the only film that looks remotely fun in January, and amongst all the Oscar wannabes what we really need is some good wholesome fun.

Paul

The first film of the year that I am truly excited about, Paul marks the return of everyone’s favourite onscreen duo, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. For me that’s good enough, but throw in an alien (voiced by Seth Rogen) and a host of SNL actors and this promises to be a hoot and a holler, if only for the geeks of the world.

Sucker Punch

Touted as “Alice in Wonderland with machine guns”, Sucker Punch at least promises to be one of the most original films of 2011. A group of girls attempt to escape an asylum through their dreams all while opening several cans of “whoop-ass”. Nerds dig chicks with guns so you can guarantee this will be a cult hit already, the question is whether a mainstream audience will be able to suspend their disbelief and enjoy a film that can only be described as “fucking mental”. This looks like this year’s Kick-Ass, if it’s half as good I’ll be happy.

Thor/X-Men: First Class/Green Lantern/Captain America

There’s no question that I will see all of these films but I very much doubt I will enjoy them as much as comic book films of yesteryear. The whole Avengers thing has been building up for a while now and I’m actually getting a bit sick of it. Iron Man 2 was a disappointment as it had one eye on progressing the Avengers plot and subsequently forgot it was a film in its own right. As we are fast approaching the super hero film to end all super hero films you would be a fool not to expect the plots of Thor and Captain America to focus heavily on all things Avengy.
DC’s effort Green Lantern looks like it could be an absolute mess judging by the trailer but if last year told us anything it’s that a film doesn’t have to be good to be successful, especially when you have the ever popular Ryan Reynolds as the lead.
Remember all those X-Men films you saw? Well we’re going to have another one, but this time they’re young! Normally I would shake my fist in the air but as Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman are involved it would be safe to assume this won’t be a total mess.

Rise of the Apes

Fanboys have only just got the taste of Tim Burton’s ape movie out of their mouths so apparently it’s time for another go. Featuring the man of 2011 himself James Franco and ape connoisseur Andy Serkis it certainly has credentials in the acting department, though it remains to be seen whether any life is left in this ageing franchise. The original remains a classic, more a philosophical tale than science fiction, but in this age of dumbed down blockbusters you would be safe to assume this will be more a “APE VS MAN WITH FUCKING BELLS!” kind of flick.

The Thing

Like Rise of the Apes this isn’t a remake but another entry to a pre-existing mythos, they made that clear in the title you idiot! The Thing will be a prequel to the original and though that has me assuming the end will be the beginning of John Carpenter’s film, I hope this predictability won’t ruin the fun of a shape shifting alien wreaking havoc in the snow. With a pretty much unheard of cast (Mary Elizabeth Winstead is the only recognisable face (but what a face)) and the original film only really attaining a cult status this is unlikely to be the biggest hit of the year, but aliens are in this year so perhaps we’ll go bat shit for this come October.

At the risk of writing into 2012 I won’t write about The Fighter, Blue Valentine, Never Let Me Go, True Grit, Source Code, Attack The Block, Your Highness, The Hangover 2, Cowboys and Aliens and Super 8, not yet anyway.

Come Fly With Me

It’s easy to forget that at one time Little Britain was the funniest thing on television because there is always the memory of Little Britain being the least funny thing on television. What started as nothing short of genius turned into a constant slew of catchphrases and shock value and quickly lost its credibility, and that was way before those not at all irritating Nationwide adverts (irritating doesn’t do it justice).
There’s no argument that Matt Lucas and David Walliams are talented but it’s hard to shake off the images of Andy and Lou, Vicky Pollard and Emily Howard whenever you think about them and at times I feel a bit of resentment towards them because of it. “I want that one”, “yeah but no but yeah but no” resonate in my head at the mere thought of either of them despite the fact that I know they’re funny. I loved Lucas as George Dawes and there is nothing I find more terrifying than Walliams’ turn as Vulva in Spaced, but this matters not now they’ve become synonymous with phrases such as “I’m a lady!”.
Perhaps the success of the show influenced its direction, after all these characters were the most popular with the audience and these were the catchphrases everyone was repeating, never mind Mr Man and his pirate memory games for ages 4-8, the public wanted “that one” and they got it, and a somewhat brilliantly creative show turned into a crappy BBC One “comedy”.
If I didn’t expect Come fly with me to be funny I wouldn’t have watched it, but watched it I did and to my complete non surprise it wasn’t that bad. Thinly veiled as a mocumentary based at an airport (much like the actual documentary Airport) it is essentially just another character based sketch show with every sketch set at an Airport. It looks very much like where Little Britain left off and it also looks like a crappy BBC One comedy so by those standards it really shouldn’t be funny.
It’s hit and miss but what’s important is that it does hit, against the odds it is actually funny. Where Little Britain’s characters quickly became surreal and unbelievable, Come fly with me’s are at least for the moment a bit truer to life, in some cases they are quite mean characters, while others are strangely tragic, in particular Tommy, a “Happy Burger” worker who is trying to work his way up to being a pilot.
It has had quite a few negative reviews and it’s possible that I’m appreciative towards it because I had low expectations, but it is still an enjoyable show and relative to the other shit the BBC pump out this could be considered a masterpiece (Rock and Chips anyone?). It’s not one of the best comedies ever made but at the very least it’s watchable and when BBC comedy can be as bad as My Family, watchable becomes TV magic.
Of course we’ll probably all hate it in two weeks time, it’s already been accused of racism (or as it's more commonly known: DAILY MAIL FRENZY!) which in turn has seen the show garner the support of Jim “I’m definitely not a racist” Davidson. This can’t be seen as anything other than a bad sign and I wouldn’t be surprised if Nick Griffin’s cameo ended in the show being cancelled. For now I will enjoy with great trepidation.

Reasons to hate 2010: Part Two

Alice In Wonderland

Much like Avatar, Alice in Wonderland was a financial success and another purveyor of that silly 3D thing. I didn’t have any expectations going into the cinema to see Alice but somehow I still left the cinema quite bitter that I had spent £10.50 on such a pile of shite.
Alice in Wonderland is a perfect argument to why 3D is the scourge of all that is holy in the world of cinema. 3D distracts the audience from the art on the screen (or lack of it), people have paid extra for the 3D effects so they want to be wowed by them, shock and awe! Many films have been more of technological demo of 3D than a well told story and the success of these films rests predominantly on the quality of the effects.
In Alice’s case the effects weren’t up to scratch. Before that fateful night I walked into the cinema I had only seen two films in 3D, the wonderful Up and of course Avatar, I thought this was what all 3D looked like, good, but I was wrong. This is a film that needed the 3D to distract us from everything else, it needed to wow but all it did was illicit groans. I haven’t watched a film in 3D since, if you wear glasses at the cinema you will now how irritating and uncomfortable it is to wear two pairs of glasses, the last thing you need is to go through a horrible ordeal like Alice in Wonderland again.
In a way the 3D has distracted us from the film because it made over a billion dollars at the box office despite being fuck awful. The dollars dictate that the film was a success but it should be seen as a failure. It was a sequel of sorts but re-treaded every little detail of the original story so much so that it was more a remake if anything. Every introduction of a new character felt forced, it was like one of those rides where you’re in a little car and you slowly meander through a fairy tale world seeing one thing after the other. Perhaps it’s what the executives wanted and it’s hard to tell them they were wrong when they’re a billion dollars richer.
The same goes for Johnny Depp, how do you tell him his films aren’t very good when they make so much money? Depp does the kooky shit better than anyone else in the business but when you play a weird kooky character in every film they all become quite normal because that’s what we‘ve come to expect. It’s hard to relate or connect with any of his characters because they are so cartoon like, and in a way he’s become as two dimensional as Vin Diesel. I’m not saying these two men share the same talents but it would be interesting to see Depp portray a normal guy every now and again.
You can hate Alice in Wonderland for being a terrible film and that’s fine, but you should really hate it along with Avatar for starting the 3D trend, and above all, for taking £10.50 out of my pocket.

The X-Factor

So I pretty much successfully avoided The X-Factor this year, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a go at it. Talent shows are like rapists and murderers, they’re out there, you can try to avoid them, but sometimes you just can’t. I certainly felt violated when I saw a young girl in a tracksuit rapping, and there’s not a word to describe how I felt when I saw an audience applauding what was clearly a paedophile.
It’s all about gimmicks in The X-Factor now, oh look at Jedward, they’re mentally ill and fun aren’t they? Let’s have more of that, two gay guys? Check! A fat Irish woman? Check! A paedophile? Let’s have two! But what about the kids? Yes! Let’s put some kids in there! The only thing that will increase the ratings than Usher shouting at us will be a live molestation of One Direction.
If you are offended by that then you are almost as offended as I am by this show. It’s not entertainment, it’s a business, and it’s certainly not music, it’s just a fancy karaoke. Yet it is still one of most popular shows on television, everyone talks about it and it’s undeniably shit. It’s like Simon Cowell is throwing the same piece of shit at you again and again and you’re just fine with it, actually no simile is needed that’s exactly what it is.
It’s the same thing over and over but that’s what the public likes, just how have Eastenders and Corrie remained so popular over the years? By being the same thing over and over and over, that’s how. They could repeat the first series of The X-Factor next year and no one would know. “Oh Cheryl looks amazing!” “That’s Sharon Osbourne.” “She can look however she wants she’s had a tough time with the divorce and the malaria“, OH FUCK OFF! If we can accept cunts like Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, and Gordon Ramsey (I wish that was shit and not Gin being poured on him) then of course we’re going to idolise someone who’s only slightly a bit twatty.
It doesn’t end with the show because the charts are full of former winners and contestants and even judges, theatres are full of them, it all gets too much for you so you book a holiday, you go to Butlins and they’re fucking there as well! You’ve had enough of it but not to the point that you start listening to Rage Against the Machine. For a rage against the machine it was a very well organised campaign that actually required people to do what they’re told, take that consumerism! As predictable as the show itself, every December there will be hundreds of campaigns trying to debase The X-Factor and prevent it from having the Christmas number one. While we’re on this subject, who gives a fuck about the Christmas number one anyway? It’s not like there’s a prize of immortality for the winner. I agree that The X-Factor winner’s single is dreadful but the way I deal with that is that I don’t buy or listen to it, I don’t like Rage Against the Machine so I don’t buy or listen to their music, these campaigns are as dictatorial as The X-Factor is and buying something else because someone told you is worse. People will buy the single, and they’ll buy the Matt Cardle book (YES HE HAS A FUCKING BOOK!) and if you have a problem with that then it’s sort of like having a problem with idiots, and you’re no better than the Nazis.

I planned to write about other things that annoyed me in 2010 but looking back over the inaugural year of the rascal I’ve pretty much covered everything that could irritate a twat with too much time on his hands.

Reasons to hate 2010: Part One

2010 has been alright hasn’t it? Or has it? Rather than focus on the positive side of this year I cannot help but be a pessimist and ruin it for the rest of you by compiling a list of why 2010 has been shit.

Avatar

OK it’s the biggest film ever but because of that fact many are treating it as the best film ever (it’s not). From a technical perspective it is one of the most important films ever made and will be forever notes as one. Despite this it’s far from a perfect film or even a great one. A forgettable film has been made unforgettable thanks to the hyperbolic reaction it has received.
It’s really annoying to listen to someone banging on about how brilliant Avatar is and how they’ve seen nothing like it. We’ve all seen it, every last one of us and as a result it’s something we can talk about without being afraid of being put down with “you fucking mug, what you doing watching that gay thing”. Usually a sci-fi film would illicit this kind of reaction from the average un-geek man but not Avatar, it’s like it has diplomatic immunity. I know people who liked Avatar but would never see Star Trek in a million years because it is unrealistic! People like Avatar because other people like Avatar, or Coldplay syndrome as it‘s more commonly known.
It has had two cinema releases this year and two DVD releases with another due out next year, if you don’t like it you can’t escape it and while I quite enjoyed it at the cinema I’ve since gone on to hate it because no matter where you turn there is an advert for it. Two sequels have been announced already and I fear I will have to go through the pandemonium twice more.
The thing is, the film doesn’t warrant any of this, it’s just not very good. It is too long, the dialogue is atrocious, the acting is bad, and the plot is unoriginal. The special edition had an extra 8 minutes added, why? It was long enough already, don’t make it longer! In between the action scenes we are treated to a wonderfully dull dialogue, it’s truly awful and feels like they forgot all about it and wrote it an hour before they started filming though if that actually happened it may have came out better. It’s the script that makes the actors look bad but Michelle Rodriguez would look bad either way. All through the film there are echoes of Aliens and the plot rips off Pocahontas, Princess Mononoke, Dances with Wolves and even the Fast and the fucking Furious to an extent! The effects may look great but the actual film is something completely different and the Academy Awards should have really picked up on this before they nominated it for best picture.

Alan Wake

Alan who? Alan Wake was a game on the Xbox 360 this year that had received quite a lot of hype and while it got some very good reviews I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Excited that a game actually had a written story and even promoted that fact I expected something that I never got. Alan Wake and his wife go to a small town not to dissimilar to Twin Peaks, his wife goes missing, weird things happen, there’s twists and turns and in the end nothing is explained and it doesn’t make sense.
All throughout the game Mr A.Wake narrates as if it were a novel, the problem being it’s the most boring novel ever written, but still not as boring as Alan himself. Promoted as TV show-esque, the game fails to feel anything like a TV show, yes there are cliff hangers at the end of each level (I mean “episodes”) but there is no suspense created as you can immediately find out what happens next by simply pressing A. You spend most of your time walking or waking up in the middle of a dark forest in which you have lost your torch and gun (again), or you might talk to a few kooky yet inevitably dull “characters” and you’ll definitely fight the same enemies again and again throughout the entire game.
Alan Wake deserves criticism because while it looks like a good game, and for a while it makes you think that, it just isn’t fun to play and you’d be better off just watching a real TV show, speaking of which…

Lost

Six fucking years of my life! ARGH! Lost was brilliant, I will stand by that statement but I can’t escape the fact that it was also shit, I’ve never seen a show like it and probably never will again. It seemed so intricately planned, the writers declaring they had it all worked out well in advance, the discovery of the others, the hatch, the Dharma stations, Jacob, the other others, it was an unfolding mystery that asked more questions with each new answer, until we found out about Jacob that is.
From around season four it looked like Lost was getting silly but buoyed by Damon Lindelof’s earlier admission that it all tied together in the end I kept watching and by season six when it was really silly I was still watching with a devout faith that would make a catholic blush. Then came the episode “Across the sea” which is probably the worst episode in the entire six seasons, gone was my faith, it wasn’t an all mighty epiphany but a humble realisation that it wasn’t going to end the way I wanted it to and that the many questions asked weren’t going to be answered.
As I woke up extra early on a Monday morning to watch the finale it turned out I was right, it didn’t end well. Six fucking years of my life! ARGH! Initial confusion turned to eventual anger as I struggled to come to terms with the lame ending, I didn’t sleep for days and it was weeks before I showered, I ended up living as a savage in a nearby woods (might not be true). I have several hundred still unanswered questions and “oooo it’s all a bit mystical” just doesn’t count as an answer in my mind. That said the very final parting shot was near perfect and there were some very well written episodes, particularly the Desmond ones. But still, six fucking years of my life! ARGH!

To be continued…

The Christmas Movie Marathon

In eager child like anticipation I am counting down the days until it’s time for the Christmas movie marathon which I have aptly dubbed “The Christmas movie marathon“. A movie marathon always seems like a good idea but lets face it, it’s near impossible to watch two movies back to back let alone a whole heap of them. I watched The Matrix trilogy back to back once and it gives me a headache just thinking about it, fair enough the quality of the films might be the reason my brain melted but it’s pretty hard to stay focused on one thing for longer than twenty minutes never mind all that shit about an architect and so on. A better approach is to watch say one or two movies a day the week before Christmas as opposed to one sitting which will probably make you sick of the festivities before you consume enough chocolate and alcohol to actually be sick.

Here is the current line-up for this year’s (more than slightly moronic) marathon:

The Nightmare Before Christmas

A favourite amongst Goths it could almost be called “A Cure Christmas Special” if it had anything to do with The Cure which it doesn‘t. Of course it’s got the Tim Burton stamp all over it and Goths just love him (they ARE capable of love apparently) because it’s his films they got their look from. I never saw this film as a young child, I imagine if I did I would have cried and not slept for twelve years (that happened with scary clown film It) but now I’ve grown a little older and I’ve come to appreciate this kooky film and all its kookiness.

Elf

It’s easy to forget that Will Ferrell has made any films other than Anchorman and its imitators but rest assured he has. Elf is one of the better films he’s made and indeed one of the better “traditional” Christmas movies of the last decade. Crappy “fun for all the family” movies are ten a penny (or dime a dozen) and you’d be forgiven for thinking this is just another one of them but it actually is fun for all the family or a least fun for me.

Lethal Weapon

Well it’s set around Christmas I guess. The most tenuous choice on the list it is still an entertaining film if only for Mel “I wasn’t so controversial back then” Gibson’s mullet. It’s really just a great action film but the true Christmas spirit comes right at the end as the Riggs and Murtaugh partnership becomes an unbreakable friendship on Christmas Day as Riggs gives Murtaugh the greatest present a friend could give, the bullet he was going to use to kill himself. I’ll never be too old for this shit.

"Yipee-ki-ay Mother fucker"

The Muppet’s Christmas Carol

I freaking loved the Muppets as a kid so naturally I loved this movie and I always will do. There have been millions of adaptations of A Christmas Carol but this will always be the best. When you’re a kid the bright colours of the Muppets are enough to keep you entertained but as I’ve grown older I’ve come to realise that it’s Michael Caine’s performance that makes this film work so well. It’s funny and it’s poignant and I defy anyone not to be in the Christmas spirit after they see it.

TV Specials

The Christmas special is as common as a turkey or a tree and if you own a few TV box sets chances are you have quite a handful of these. British specials often depress me as they portray the reality of a British Christmas, staying in watching TV where the only Christmas spirit is Vodka. Christmas is supposed to be magical and whether it’s Eastenders or Gavin and Stacey on screen it just looks depressing. There are a few good specials that demand to be viewed every year, The Office possibly being the best due to the perfect ending for Tim and Dawn. America has a much more idealised portrayal of Christmas and it’s not hard to find a festive episode watching an American show unless you’re watching The Wire.

Home Alone

Probably my favourite film as a kid along with Kindergarten Cop, Home Alone was as good as it got back then. I imagine adults hated Macaulay Culkin and probably cheered when the bees got him in My Girl but to me (and Michael Jackson) he was a cool guy. Kevin’s family really did seem like a bunch of jerks, it was quite a scary yet cool idea of being home alone, and the Wet Bandits were pretty damn terrifying as well as the basement, the score, and Uncle Frank. Kevin’s “battle” against the Wet Bandits is still as entertaining as it was when I was a child and the reunion between Kevin and his family gets more emotional each time I watch it. More than anything this film is pure nostalgia and must be watched every Christmas without fail.

Home Alone 2

Though not as good as the original, Home Alone 2 is still an immensely enjoyable film and again nostalgic as it is one of the first films I remember seeing at the cinema along with Beethoven’s 2nd (which doesn’t make this list). I remember being in awe of the Talkboy (was it called that?) Kevin used during the film, an example of product placement totally working. While the first film’s message focuses strongly on family and togetherness, the sequel focuses on friendships especially ones with weird pigeon ladies.

Die Hard

It’s a Christmas movie I don’t care what you say, it’s the BEST DAMN CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER MADE. It’s certainly one of the best movies ever made and is my all time favourite along with Back to the Future. It’s set on Christmas Eve, it has a bit of Christmas music and of course there’s the whole “Ho Ho Ho now I have a machine gun” and this is enough to say it’s a Christmas movie. Everything about the film is off the fucking chain, it’s a masterpiece and I will strive to put it at the top of every list I can.

There are obviously loads of films I’ve missed out, the ones with Tim Allen, the ones with Chevy Chase, the ones with Vince Vaughn (he only does Christmas movies now), Ernest Saves Christmas, Gremlins, and It’s A Wonderful Life. I’m aware this is a classic but I have never seen it because I’m quite ignorant, an attempt to see it will be made but sadly in the end I’ll probably just end up watching Die Hard 2.

iPhone Wanker

iPhone wanker. That’s what I think about people with iPhones yet I have unfortunately become one of the most unbearable people you can ever speak to. “It’s fucking brilliant, it’ll change your life, I’ve got an app for everything” SHUT UP! After the tragedy of owning a Blackberry and it subsequently breaking I’ve been using something that would be out of date in The Bronze Age, imagine a phone where you can’t access the internet, if I went on any longer I’d have ended up like Travis Bickle.
Admittedly I was quite excited about getting the iPhone, having listened to the superlatives of an Applephile for the past year I had this image in my head that it was the answer to all my problems, like a pocket Jesus. What ensued when I finally got it was a frustrating hour and a half updating my iTunes thanks to an archaic internet connection. I had an iPhone but I couldn’t use it, I guess this is what strip clubs are like, you can look but you can’t touch, great, I’ll just sit here with an erection like the scary guy sat next to me.
iTunes eventually updated and it turned out that what I had in my hand was just a phone. No moment of clarity, no epiphany, just a phone. I have Twitter back as well the freedom to check Wikipedia whenever I can’t place an actor in a film and apart from that it’s just a phone and one that I am terrified of breaking. You ever seen anyone in real life dance with an iPod like they do in the adverts? That bitch must be crazy dancing round with it in her hand, she’ll drop it! There are games and this is what most people go on about and while they’re mildly fun they are no reason to harass people proclaiming that I have the greatest game ever made ON MY PHONE OMG!!!
Just like the Kindle, you can have a Kindle on your iPhone which is great if you like reading on a tiny screen which I don’t. I understand the appeal to having a whole library in your pocket and being able to read something on the go but generally I don’t read more than one book in a month let alone a journey, and I doubt anyone else does apart from Jonny 5 and let’s face it you probably just drank some Pepsi out of what’s left of him. What’s more is that everyone has that fantasy of reading a book and impressing every attractive girl/guy who walks past them, you don’t get that with a Kindle or an iPhone, they don’t know you’re reading their favourite book, you’re probably playing Angry Birds.
I heard all kind of crazy shit about the apps store, and what it actually contains is just a bloated selection of useless looking things you don’t need and will probably never use. Why would anyone want to see what they’d look like if they were fat and what happens when a fat person uses Fatbooth? Is there a Thinbooth? There is an app that promises to track the location of anyone’s mobile phone which would seem a little dangerous if it actually worked. What’s surprising is the amount of people who have bought this app and then written a review to say how shit it is and it doesn’t work, of course it doesn’t work, if you didn’t already think that and somehow didn’t read the 300 odd reviews saying exactly that then you deserve what you get. It’s shocking how angry people get over 59p.
I can’t help but feel ashamed of owning an iPhone, it’s almost like an affliction in the sense that I have become an iPhone wanker. In company I have kept it hidden in my pocket in fear that people will think of me as some sort of iPhone wanker who will speak to them at great lengths about how it changed my life and it would change their lives if only they had one. If someone asks you if it’s good how do you say yes without sounding like a total dickhead? It was the same with a Blackberry, “Oh look at you with your la de da Blackberry, sending an email are you? You make me sick”. Yet with a simple phone I’m laughed at while people with other phones are constantly asked “why don’t you just get an iPhone?” and people without a mobile phone get burned at the stake for being witches. There’s probably an app for that.

Holding out for a Hero

It’s been a strange year in the world of those little computer video games, you know, those things the kids play which make them shoot up schools. It could be a sign that I’m growing up but not much has really blown me away this year, the one game I was looking forward to was Fable III and it was totally akin to my excitement of Spider-Man 3 and then seeing it.
It came out over a month ago but the feeling in my toes has only just come back and I am now able to write about Fable III. Like Spider-Man 3 it’s not all bad but you can’t help but feel it could have been much much better. The Fable franchise is somewhat infamous or at least famous for its flaws. The purpose of a sequel is to improve on its predecessor, Fable II did that while having its own long list of flaws but sadly Fable III took one of these flaws and improved it a bit and forgot about the rest of them.
I shouldn’t have been so naïve to believe in Peter Molyneux’s hyperbolic ramblings about the game’s improvements, the time he spent on talking about the game surely could have been spent on making it better but still I was watching the interviews on IGN and Xbox Live genuinely excited that we might finally have a perfect Fable game. All that was needed was to iron the creases out of Fable II, put in a few new features and a good story and we’d have what we all wanted.
We were promised that the pretty terrible pause menu would be fixed with a super awesome interactive one and while we have it exactly as they described it would be, you don’t really need to use it that often, you won’t change your clothes because there aren’t that many and you won’t notice any difference in the weapons you use, nor will you appreciate John Cleese telling you that there are new items in the Sanctuary shop every two minutes.
The most irritating thing about Fable III though is the lag, why is there lag when I‘m not even playing online? It’s like I’m playing a game on an outdated PC. Combine this with the useless “breadcrumb trail” and you will spend most of your time getting frustrated as you’re left jerking around the screen not knowing where to go. Red Dead Redemption was so enjoyable because you could just explore, in Fable you only get little segments of the world and it doesn’t let you appreciate the world they have created. You can see a massive city in the horizon but when you get there it’s noting more than a few streets, and somehow it feels smaller than the last game with quite a few locations omitted, perhaps to sell to us in DLC?
What was disappointing about Fable II was the lack of stuff to do and there is even less to do in Fable III. They’ve even taken out some of the good stuff like the pub games and replaced it with…nothing. They’ve created this expansive world and not only do we not get to see all of it we don’t get to live in it either. Making friends and raising a family is so inconsequential there’s hardly any point in doing it and the new feature of having to complete a quest to do so makes it a tedious waste of time. The jobs are now incredibly easy yet mind numbingly repetitive, if I wanted that I’d just go to work but even that would be more fun than pressing 3 buttons again and again.
I said the most irritating thing was the lag but thinking about it the story ruins the game. The plot sees you on a quest to overthrow your evil brother and take over the throne which immediately contradicts a massive mechanic of the game. You can choose to be good or evil yet when the plot negates that you are good it seems silly that you can go around killing the citizens you are trying to save. Furthermore when you do overthrow your brother it turns out that his means were justified and you can choose to do everything he did and if you don’t you end up being just as hated as he was living in a world full of corpses once you finish the game leaving you unable to complete the side quests.
The game seems too linear especially in the second half and it suffers from shifting the villain from your brother to a dark entity which is absent for much of the game. You are told this entity known as Steve (I can’t remember its name) will attack your land in one year yet all you do is decide on things like choosing to restore an orphanage or turn it into a brothel and this takes any tension out of the game and when Steve does attack it is incredibly disappointing ending all too easily and on such a small fanfare. End boss battles are supposed to be OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN, this didn’t even tug it.
It is still an enjoyable game but continuing the Spider-Man 3 metaphor, it’s the bad that sticks with you. The developers have aimed to make the game more accessible yet the first two were hardly the most complicated of games and what we’re left with is a diluted version of Fable II which lags. As the video game market expands it has to cater for a wider audience meaning any concept the casual gamer doesn’t understand is removed which is pissing in the mouths of the not so casual gamer, why should we have to suffer because some prick doesn’t know how to level up properly or understand a complex (or even simple) plot?
I’m getting bored of games and this was supposed to be the game to restore my faith in them, instead I’ve been reading books! READING! What’s happened to me? If Fable IV is going to work then they have to start from scratch, go back to the beginning of the mythology they've created and make a game about being a hero, keep the style and humour, write a simple story with a decent ending and perhaps most importantly, make sure it doesn't lag.

Buffy the Reboot Slayer

No, no they won’t. They couldn’t possibly, never in a million years. They are? What? Those pricks! Those god damn selfish pricks! Just one of the thousand reactions I experienced upon reading that the Buffy reboot is going ahead. If it is horror they are after then they’ve got it because this is the most horrific thing I have ever heard in the world of movies.
Despite my hatred of the current vampire trend I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I absolutely loved it, I was obsessed with it (IMPORTANT NOTE: I have never written my own fan fiction). Why wouldn’t I (I hear you not say)? In fully fledged pubescence by that point and doting on Sarah Michelle Gellar I didn’t start watching it because of the vampires if you know what I am saying (I fancied Sarah Michelle Gellar if you don’t). That said it was a great show and an important one, without Buffy there would be no Angel, no Firefly, no Smallville, no revived Dr Who, I could go on and on and on. It’s not all Nathan Fillion, Kryptonite and sonic screwdrivers though, there has been a terrible domino effect in its wake, Twilight which was no doubt influenced by Buffy has gone on to make vampires popular creating a niche for such shows as True Blood and those Vampire Diaries, and finally a Buffy reboot.
Buffy was something special to those who watched it, I’m under no illusions that it was anything other than that shitty vampire thing to those who didn’t watch it, but there would not be one fan who would think a Buffy reboot is a good idea, let alone a Whedon-less one. Joss Whedon is the reason why Buffy was great, why Firefly was great and why the forthcoming Avengers movie could potentially be great (potentially) and a Buffy film could only ever work with him at the helm. Not only is Whedon a talented writer he holds a reputation with science fiction fanboys and girls which is pretty much unbreakable, and as he has already spoken out against the idea of a reboot his legion of geeks will take his side to their death.
That said if anything was to damage his reputation it would be his involvement in a Buffy reboot. Even with Whedon it wouldn’t work for many reasons. As Buffy was a series it was able to lay out plots and character development patiently and effectively whilst also being able to tell standalone episodes which had little or no consequence to the bigger picture, much like The X-Files (which lost its charm when translated to the big screen).
If you remove the concept from this structure and put it in a two hour movie it will not work. You have the premise thus, Buffy, a sixteen year old cheerleader has been chosen to be a slayer, she slays some vampires, might fall in love with one, slays some more, the end. There won’t be time to create all of the relationships forged in the series, hours were spent doing that and if you asked fans who their favourite characters were in the show there wouldn’t be one definitive answer. The show became more about the “Scooby gang” than Buffy and there isn’t time in a film or even a trilogy to develop a whole group of characters and give them enough screen time.
Of course I might be damning it before it’s even had a chance and it could be AMAZING…ly bad. There’s just such a long list of reasons why it wouldn’t happen, who will play Buffy? Will there be a watcher? Who will play him? Oh no, it’s Queen Latifah, will there be a “Scooby gang”? Will Angel be in it? Who will play him? Oh it’s Justin Bieber, will Spike be the bad guy? Oh no he’s not bad, because it’s fucking Justin Bieber playing him as well.
Of course I might be damning it before the film studio have even told us who’s writing it, imagine if Edgar Wright was involved, that might be good oh wait it’s Whit Anderson. ME NEITHER! Announced with the news of the reboot was the reveal that Whit Anderson will be writing the film. A young writer/actress who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page but has a gig writing a fucking Buffy movie! She was quoted saying “I didn’t really watch much television at all, but I always watched ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’”. It doesn’t matter if you always watched it, I’d expect a writer especially one with the task of writing a Buffy film to have watched just about every god damn TV show out there. The correct quote should have been “I fucking loved TV I couldn’t get enough of the shitting thing but if it was between Dallas and Buffy, Dallas could fuck right off”.
Of course I might be damning it before it’s even been made but the reboot is only based on the original Buffy film which if memory serves me right was just horrible. Because the rights are for the film only none of the characters from the series other than Buffy will be in this adaptation, so there will be no “Scooby gang”, no watcher, no Angel, no Spike, just loose archetypes of these characters. What you have in essence is just the idea of a teenage girl fighting vampires, the Buffy name is purely an attempt to garner interest in the project but the absence of Joss Whedon and the original cast of the series along with the presence of an unknown writer and the affiliation of the original film will do nothing but put people off.
This will be something we have to accept but not like, they’ve said it’s happening and we have the current Vamp trend to blame. Trends come and go and this will probably be fast tracked into production before we all love pirates again. The above rant is about a show I’ve not seen in years, just imagine the anger and wrath of the hardcore nerds who really love it.