A Good Day to Stop Making Die Hard.

Die Hard. We’ve all seen it and we all love it like Romanians love to put horses in lasagnes. There is no need for a mass debate, Die Hard is the greatest action movie of all time. It’s also the greatest Christmas movie of all time. It is a multi-purpose movie, suitable for all occasions. You are bored, what do you watch? Die Hard! You are feeling down, what do you watch? Die Hard! You find out your girlfriend/boyfriend has never seen Die Hard? Die Hard! Those clinic results are positive? Die Hard!

The same cannot be said of its sequels. The order of quality is thus: 1, 3, 2, 4. There is reason to disregard Die Hard 4 (or Live Free or Die Hard or Die Hard 4.0) as part of the canon; the John McClane established in the first three films would never jump onto a flying jet. With Die Hard 4 drawing a line between 20th and 21^st century Die Hards could we really expect the fifth entry, A Good Day to Die Hard, to rival the first three films? No. In fact my expectations were so low that it would have been a miracle if it could rival Die Hard 4.

If there’s one thing A Good Day to Die Hard tells us, it’s that miracles don’t happen, unless they involve breaking the laws of physics. Die Hard 5 makes Die Hard 4 look like Die Hard. Quite simply, it’s fucking awful. From the moment we see the opening credit of “Written by Skip Woods” we know that we will not be witnessing a beautifully crafted script. Skip is not a writer’s name, it is a pet’s name. Did you read that new book by Skip Bronte? NO. It gets worse because he is the man responsible for writing Hitman. Director John Moore is responsible for unleashing Max Payne into our lives. Die Hard 5 is a video game adaptation of a video game that does not exist. It has more in common with Call of Duty than it does with Die Hard. Big guns, big explosions, faceless villains, and a political conspiracy that leaves more plot holes than bullet holes. If anyone ever thinks “Gee Whiz it would be neat if they made a Call of Duty film” this crock of shit should be shoved in their face immediately. This is a film for the COD generation: socially inept pubescent teenagers with anger issues who are only stimulated by LOUD NOISES and BIG EXPLOSIONS (and bad ladies in catsuits).

Without a comprehensible plot, discernible villain, or convincing protagonists the result is just a slide show of fiery bangs. Characters are introduced and discarded like used condoms, we are shown the now clichéd Bourne-esque CIA agent automatons at the beginning of the film only for them to never appear or be mentioned again, while the myriad of “bad guys” take turns at playing Hans Gruber. Bruce Willis is no longer John McClane but just an old bloke with a gun and a penchant for falling through things with his two dimensional son. There are homages to the first film and while some are a nice touch (McClane’s instinct to “shoot the glass”) others feel almost spoof-like while the obligatory “yippee ki-yay mother fu...*mumble*” appears like it was forced into the film at random. While perhaps a more conscious effort to make it more “Die Hard” than number 4 these moments do not save the film from its dire script and general shiteness.

Perhaps more appalling than a disregard for GOOD WRITING is the disregard for PHYSICS. During the course of the film both McClanes must/choose to drive from Moscow to Chernobyl. They steal a car full of guns, why is the car full of guns? Because their owners put them in there to enter a club. It is night time, it must be reasonably late because I assume Russian gangsters don’t go to the club straight after Pointless. When they arrive at Chernobyl it is still dark and presumably the same night as neither McClane have had time to wash their faces. As Google maps shows, Chernobyl is roughly 1000km away from Moscow and would take roughly 12 hours to travel. So what average speed must they have been travelling at to arrive in the same night? As we all know speed = distance / time, and even if we are to believe that the journey took them five hours they would have to travel at an average speed of at least 122.8 mph, including crossing the Ukraine border with a boot full of weapons. IS THIS POSSIBLE?

Pedantry this may be, but there was no real reason to relocate to Chernobyl. If any action film is proof that one setting is sufficient it is DIE HARD. All that long arse drives does is kill any tension that the film had. Did Hans Gruber give McClane time to embark on an uneventful road trip? They didn’t even have to go there anyway! The entire film is ridiculous! A lame by-the-numbers action blockbuster with a lazy garnish of Die Hard hallmarks on the side. It may still attract enough of the Fast and the Furious audience to be a success and warrant a sixth instalment but it’s a disgusting spit in the face of its predecessors.   

The Christmas Movie Marathon

In eager child like anticipation I am counting down the days until it’s time for the Christmas movie marathon which I have aptly dubbed “The Christmas movie marathon“. A movie marathon always seems like a good idea but lets face it, it’s near impossible to watch two movies back to back let alone a whole heap of them. I watched The Matrix trilogy back to back once and it gives me a headache just thinking about it, fair enough the quality of the films might be the reason my brain melted but it’s pretty hard to stay focused on one thing for longer than twenty minutes never mind all that shit about an architect and so on. A better approach is to watch say one or two movies a day the week before Christmas as opposed to one sitting which will probably make you sick of the festivities before you consume enough chocolate and alcohol to actually be sick.

Here is the current line-up for this year’s (more than slightly moronic) marathon:

The Nightmare Before Christmas

A favourite amongst Goths it could almost be called “A Cure Christmas Special” if it had anything to do with The Cure which it doesn‘t. Of course it’s got the Tim Burton stamp all over it and Goths just love him (they ARE capable of love apparently) because it’s his films they got their look from. I never saw this film as a young child, I imagine if I did I would have cried and not slept for twelve years (that happened with scary clown film It) but now I’ve grown a little older and I’ve come to appreciate this kooky film and all its kookiness.

Elf

It’s easy to forget that Will Ferrell has made any films other than Anchorman and its imitators but rest assured he has. Elf is one of the better films he’s made and indeed one of the better “traditional” Christmas movies of the last decade. Crappy “fun for all the family” movies are ten a penny (or dime a dozen) and you’d be forgiven for thinking this is just another one of them but it actually is fun for all the family or a least fun for me.

Lethal Weapon

Well it’s set around Christmas I guess. The most tenuous choice on the list it is still an entertaining film if only for Mel “I wasn’t so controversial back then” Gibson’s mullet. It’s really just a great action film but the true Christmas spirit comes right at the end as the Riggs and Murtaugh partnership becomes an unbreakable friendship on Christmas Day as Riggs gives Murtaugh the greatest present a friend could give, the bullet he was going to use to kill himself. I’ll never be too old for this shit.

"Yipee-ki-ay Mother fucker"

The Muppet’s Christmas Carol

I freaking loved the Muppets as a kid so naturally I loved this movie and I always will do. There have been millions of adaptations of A Christmas Carol but this will always be the best. When you’re a kid the bright colours of the Muppets are enough to keep you entertained but as I’ve grown older I’ve come to realise that it’s Michael Caine’s performance that makes this film work so well. It’s funny and it’s poignant and I defy anyone not to be in the Christmas spirit after they see it.

TV Specials

The Christmas special is as common as a turkey or a tree and if you own a few TV box sets chances are you have quite a handful of these. British specials often depress me as they portray the reality of a British Christmas, staying in watching TV where the only Christmas spirit is Vodka. Christmas is supposed to be magical and whether it’s Eastenders or Gavin and Stacey on screen it just looks depressing. There are a few good specials that demand to be viewed every year, The Office possibly being the best due to the perfect ending for Tim and Dawn. America has a much more idealised portrayal of Christmas and it’s not hard to find a festive episode watching an American show unless you’re watching The Wire.

Home Alone

Probably my favourite film as a kid along with Kindergarten Cop, Home Alone was as good as it got back then. I imagine adults hated Macaulay Culkin and probably cheered when the bees got him in My Girl but to me (and Michael Jackson) he was a cool guy. Kevin’s family really did seem like a bunch of jerks, it was quite a scary yet cool idea of being home alone, and the Wet Bandits were pretty damn terrifying as well as the basement, the score, and Uncle Frank. Kevin’s “battle” against the Wet Bandits is still as entertaining as it was when I was a child and the reunion between Kevin and his family gets more emotional each time I watch it. More than anything this film is pure nostalgia and must be watched every Christmas without fail.

Home Alone 2

Though not as good as the original, Home Alone 2 is still an immensely enjoyable film and again nostalgic as it is one of the first films I remember seeing at the cinema along with Beethoven’s 2nd (which doesn’t make this list). I remember being in awe of the Talkboy (was it called that?) Kevin used during the film, an example of product placement totally working. While the first film’s message focuses strongly on family and togetherness, the sequel focuses on friendships especially ones with weird pigeon ladies.

Die Hard

It’s a Christmas movie I don’t care what you say, it’s the BEST DAMN CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER MADE. It’s certainly one of the best movies ever made and is my all time favourite along with Back to the Future. It’s set on Christmas Eve, it has a bit of Christmas music and of course there’s the whole “Ho Ho Ho now I have a machine gun” and this is enough to say it’s a Christmas movie. Everything about the film is off the fucking chain, it’s a masterpiece and I will strive to put it at the top of every list I can.

There are obviously loads of films I’ve missed out, the ones with Tim Allen, the ones with Chevy Chase, the ones with Vince Vaughn (he only does Christmas movies now), Ernest Saves Christmas, Gremlins, and It’s A Wonderful Life. I’m aware this is a classic but I have never seen it because I’m quite ignorant, an attempt to see it will be made but sadly in the end I’ll probably just end up watching Die Hard 2.