Buffy the Reboot Slayer

No, no they won’t. They couldn’t possibly, never in a million years. They are? What? Those pricks! Those god damn selfish pricks! Just one of the thousand reactions I experienced upon reading that the Buffy reboot is going ahead. If it is horror they are after then they’ve got it because this is the most horrific thing I have ever heard in the world of movies.
Despite my hatred of the current vampire trend I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I absolutely loved it, I was obsessed with it (IMPORTANT NOTE: I have never written my own fan fiction). Why wouldn’t I (I hear you not say)? In fully fledged pubescence by that point and doting on Sarah Michelle Gellar I didn’t start watching it because of the vampires if you know what I am saying (I fancied Sarah Michelle Gellar if you don’t). That said it was a great show and an important one, without Buffy there would be no Angel, no Firefly, no Smallville, no revived Dr Who, I could go on and on and on. It’s not all Nathan Fillion, Kryptonite and sonic screwdrivers though, there has been a terrible domino effect in its wake, Twilight which was no doubt influenced by Buffy has gone on to make vampires popular creating a niche for such shows as True Blood and those Vampire Diaries, and finally a Buffy reboot.
Buffy was something special to those who watched it, I’m under no illusions that it was anything other than that shitty vampire thing to those who didn’t watch it, but there would not be one fan who would think a Buffy reboot is a good idea, let alone a Whedon-less one. Joss Whedon is the reason why Buffy was great, why Firefly was great and why the forthcoming Avengers movie could potentially be great (potentially) and a Buffy film could only ever work with him at the helm. Not only is Whedon a talented writer he holds a reputation with science fiction fanboys and girls which is pretty much unbreakable, and as he has already spoken out against the idea of a reboot his legion of geeks will take his side to their death.
That said if anything was to damage his reputation it would be his involvement in a Buffy reboot. Even with Whedon it wouldn’t work for many reasons. As Buffy was a series it was able to lay out plots and character development patiently and effectively whilst also being able to tell standalone episodes which had little or no consequence to the bigger picture, much like The X-Files (which lost its charm when translated to the big screen).
If you remove the concept from this structure and put it in a two hour movie it will not work. You have the premise thus, Buffy, a sixteen year old cheerleader has been chosen to be a slayer, she slays some vampires, might fall in love with one, slays some more, the end. There won’t be time to create all of the relationships forged in the series, hours were spent doing that and if you asked fans who their favourite characters were in the show there wouldn’t be one definitive answer. The show became more about the “Scooby gang” than Buffy and there isn’t time in a film or even a trilogy to develop a whole group of characters and give them enough screen time.
Of course I might be damning it before it’s even had a chance and it could be AMAZING…ly bad. There’s just such a long list of reasons why it wouldn’t happen, who will play Buffy? Will there be a watcher? Who will play him? Oh no, it’s Queen Latifah, will there be a “Scooby gang”? Will Angel be in it? Who will play him? Oh it’s Justin Bieber, will Spike be the bad guy? Oh no he’s not bad, because it’s fucking Justin Bieber playing him as well.
Of course I might be damning it before the film studio have even told us who’s writing it, imagine if Edgar Wright was involved, that might be good oh wait it’s Whit Anderson. ME NEITHER! Announced with the news of the reboot was the reveal that Whit Anderson will be writing the film. A young writer/actress who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page but has a gig writing a fucking Buffy movie! She was quoted saying “I didn’t really watch much television at all, but I always watched ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’”. It doesn’t matter if you always watched it, I’d expect a writer especially one with the task of writing a Buffy film to have watched just about every god damn TV show out there. The correct quote should have been “I fucking loved TV I couldn’t get enough of the shitting thing but if it was between Dallas and Buffy, Dallas could fuck right off”.
Of course I might be damning it before it’s even been made but the reboot is only based on the original Buffy film which if memory serves me right was just horrible. Because the rights are for the film only none of the characters from the series other than Buffy will be in this adaptation, so there will be no “Scooby gang”, no watcher, no Angel, no Spike, just loose archetypes of these characters. What you have in essence is just the idea of a teenage girl fighting vampires, the Buffy name is purely an attempt to garner interest in the project but the absence of Joss Whedon and the original cast of the series along with the presence of an unknown writer and the affiliation of the original film will do nothing but put people off.
This will be something we have to accept but not like, they’ve said it’s happening and we have the current Vamp trend to blame. Trends come and go and this will probably be fast tracked into production before we all love pirates again. The above rant is about a show I’ve not seen in years, just imagine the anger and wrath of the hardcore nerds who really love it.

Holidays are Coming

It seems appropriate to write about Christmas in November since that’s when it starts according to the likes of Argos and Tesco, and perhaps most annoyingly, Marks and fucking Spencer. Whinging about the commercialisation of the celebration of Jesus Christ is nothing new and probably just as annoying in itself. For every person super excited about Christmas there is a bastard who hates it and the result is a frustrating two months congested with conversations about how great or lame tis’ season to be jolly is.
I used to get so excited about it I’d be physically sick but since growing up and having a job the only really good thing about Christmas is the novelty of drinking in the day and not feeling guilty which is like every day in Scotland. No longer do I think about nothing else from September, or write a thousand different lists, or search the entire house for presents despite wanting to keep everything a surprise. There is never one present I dream to be opening on the 25th anymore because if I want something, I usually buy it.
There’s no point in hiding it, Christmas is about presents, forget the turkey, the tree, the Only Fools and Horses special, all we want are presents, and good ones! We don’t want shit presents, you might as well punch me in the face while you’re at it if you‘re going to give me some actual shit. I don’t mean to be ungrateful or greedy but a novelty gift might make you laugh but it fucking annoys me. It’s totally useless and I can’t throw it away because that would be impolite so I just have to keep it forever cluttering my room, I’ve lost count of the number of “executive ball scratchers” I own, if there is ever an itchy ball pandemic you know who to call. More often than not we are asked by someone what we want for Christmas and in turn we ask them and we end up giving two presents of the same monetary value, it’s the equivalent of handing someone £20 and then having it handed back to you immediately after, only you can’t spend it now, you just have something you kind of wanted but would never spend your own money on (but you essentially just have).
My fondest memories of Christmas all seem to involve computer games, I don’t think I will ever have the same feeling of wonder as I did when receiving an N64 and playing Super Mario 64 for the first time. Every year after that I asked for a computer game, I usually picked the one I wanted during the summer and obsessed about it until I had it in my hands. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Pokemon Blue, GTA: Vice City, this was what Christmas was about! (If you’re a geek).
Growing up and having money has ruined this, not only can I buy any game I want, I can also buy a lot of games I don’t want and I simply don’t have the childlike wonder I used to over them, probably because I’m not a child anymore. The same goes for everything else and it makes it hard to get excited about Christmas, especially when it’s not even a week off anymore, I still have to work and then there’s that awful thing called New Year’s Eve.
Like I said earlier though drinking throughout the day does inject a little life into the day and another perk is the great tradition of the Christmas Movie. For the past few years I have watched Home Alone and Die Hard every Christmas Eve and by maintaining this routine there is still something special about the most wonderful time of the year, much like when you see the Coca Cola advert with all the trucks and shit, only today did I see a real Coca Cola truck and got all giddy.
To get to this state of happiness though I have to negotiate through a stampede of crappy adverts (crapverts) where Jason Donovan serves a Nolan sister a “traditional” Christmas spring roll along with other similar twats all pretending to have a really great time when in reality they just want go home and count their money. All these crapverts have one goal, to present an idealised Christmas home where everything is perfect and everyone is just swell in love with everything. Marks and Spencer takes this to an extreme, and when they’re not sexualising food they’re showing celebrities (some of them proper ones) frolicking in the snow and having a splendid middle class time making you envy and hate them at the same time and in the end it just depresses you as you look forward to your day of Quality Street and Carlsberg.
If the build up to Christmas lasts for what seems like eternity then what the fuck is that week between Christmas Day and New Years Day? This period of limbo where if you don’t work you stay at home and continue to watch TV and eats loads of food and if you do work you don’t put a shirt and tie on and you don’t work half as hard as you would on a normal day. I guess this week is what it feels like to be in Lost, not having a shitting clue to what’s going on, and before you know it everything is back to normal and you’re left with a crushing disappointment.
So in between the Christmas bummers and the Christmas haters I sit confused and ambivalent to it all. While I don’t like it to be over commercialised I don’t want it to go the other way where we all just give each other a hug and sit round a fire because that sounds shit. More than anything I’m just bitter that my favourite thing in the world isn’t as good as it used to be and it’s clear that the one thing I want for Christmas this year is to be young again…or a DeLorean.

COD and Chips

It’s that time of the year again and like clockwork another Call of Duty game has come in every man’s face. The average man doesn’t have much in life, he has football, beer, and tits, and now COD. We laugh at how women like shoes, gossip, and Brad Pitt, and ponder how anyone can be comfortable adhering to such stereotypes. We think this as we down our pint, call Gary Neville a wanker and stare at that women’s tits. Then we turn on our 360/PS3 and play COD until it’s time to go to work or that prick from Sheffield snipes us so many times we get angry and turn the damn thing off vowing never to play the stupid fucking game again only to turn it back on within the hour the cycle viciously repeating until we become mindless zombies.
The Call of Duty franchise is not just for gamers anymore, it’s become synonymous with Man and is much bigger than a mere computer video game those darn pesky kids are playing. Call of Duty attracts the most casual of gamers who usually reserve their playing time for FIFA (and nothing else) and perhaps it’s the game’s macho subject matter of shooting faces that transcends COD from being geeky and stupid to the most important facet of life. Nothing says “I’m the alpha male” more than “poning a noob”. The supposed realism is what makes COD so engrossing to the masses, where as Halo with its lasers and aliens requires too much suspension of disbelief and is subsequently left for those dreaded malevolent hardcore gamers.
Everyone wants to prove they’re the best and if they can’t do it on the football pitch then they will do it online, annoying the geeks who thought they found their calling in life to no end. For some of the physically inferior, games are all they have, they’re good at them and in their virtual world they are the Mac daddy. The universal appeal of COD is threatening the false sense of achievement for many geeks and as such online conflict can get very personal.
Games should be fun but for some people, COD is not a game, it’s life. These people give themselves ridiculous monikers like “HellReaper77” or “Gangrapist98” and always get into an argument with another like minded moron over who is the best, really childish and petty arguments, but then again just like two football fans fighting over who’s team is best.
With the release of the latest instalment, Black Ops, things are going to get worse for us. We’ve been promised the biggest game ever, and what we have is sort of the same thing we had last year. 90% of its audience don’t care about the single player campaign but me, I’m part of the 10%, and to be honest it’s pretty disappointing. The gaming industry has never been renowned for its storytelling and Black Ops doesn’t break the trend, it’s just as bad as what we‘re used to. Playing out like a series of 24 set in the Cold War, you play some guy who is being interrogated by some other guy over a set of mysterious numbers. Mysterious numbers, hmm I definitely haven’t seen any TV shows feature a mysterious set of numbers recently. Just as Modern Warfare 2’s story made no sense at all, Black Ops is equally full of massive plot holes and even bigger Michael Bay-esque explosions, or as I like to call them, Baysplosions.
The huge set pieces may look impressive but they come at you relentlessly and actually ruin any tension or sense of danger that a war would inevitably invoke in you. Like the majority of games, it appears as if the writers have just watched a load of action movies and decided to base the story around all of them. Whatever happened to reading books? What ensues is a discordant experience where you are not given any time to follow the confused plot or connect with any of the characters. There is a distinct lack of sensitivity in the game and I can’t help but feel that the subject of war should be treated less abrasively. Every character is full of testosterone and appears to enjoy shooting and stabbing everything in sight. There are a few occasions where the tone changes and the ugly side of war is shown but these moments are too rare and soon forgotten in the mass of explosions.
The multiplayer is what most people came for though and it gives them exactly what they want, to shoot each other. While changes have been made they are all essentially superficial and it’s just the same as last year, much like the annual update of a sports game. The COD disciples won’t care though, Activision could have released Pong and they would have still bought it. Through their rose tinted night vision goggles there’s not much COD fans won’t spend their money on, the £10 map packs of Modern Warfare 2 proving that, even I bought them eventually only to find that everyone else skipped the maps every time they appeared. I never got to play some of the maps and it shows the devotion of many players that they will pay £10 for content they will never use.
Of course as the franchise becomes more popular and more successful why change the formula? Men have something meaningful in their lives now, we’re not going to throw it away. Just like an adolescent teenager discovering masturbation, we are in wonder of COD and we won’t give it up easily, you put them on the shelves and we will buy them. The marketing campaign for Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood looks to exploit this new popularity of virtual murder as Tinie Tempah’s Frisky plays over the advert as if to suggest that killing in the 15th century is “bad boy”. Of course it is but there is no need to be so blunt about it.

Come to New Zealand! Where all those Hobbits and Orcs died and shit

It was hard to sympathise with those New Zealanders protesting against the possibility that The Hobbit might be filmed elsewhere because after all I didn’t really like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Before the films came out I tried reading the books, well the first and it was essentially a directory of hobbits for the first thirty pages and I gave up shortly after that. As epic was the journey the fellowship took I feel watching all three films was an almightier task. For a guy who likes the occasional sunshine and lollipop fest the Rings trilogy was too dark, too bleak, and just too damn shitting long.
It’s certainly not something I could watch again, just thinking about it makes me shudder. Despite having more gay overtones than Top Gun it’s still depressingly dark and probably the reason why so many franchises are compelled to have a dark turn. Harry Potter could have been a glorious camp adventure but it’s been molested by bleak shades of blue and grey, can’t we just have a little bit of sun? I don’t mind if Ron burns like a mother fucker. This overt gloominess isn’t good for your health, you watch films to escape, why would you want to escape your own depressing life for someone else’s? Yes there is always light at the end of the tunnel and these films end by the protagonist saving the world from a terrible threat but it’s always at the cost of many lives and everyone involved will be mentally scarred until they die, is that really a happy ending?
So why were these New Zealanders getting so worked up? Why would you want your country to be synonymous with death and destruction? Come to New Zealand! Where all those Hobbits and Orcs died and shit. I presume many fanboys go to New Zealand for that sole purpose but there must be more to a country than some fields where Elijah Wood once stood on. Of course the filming of The Hobbit will provide many jobs but that begs the question, have these protestors been sitting about since 2003 waiting for Peter Jackson to give them another job? The answer is no, plenty of films have been made in New Zealand since the Rings and it is somewhat arrogant to say where a film should and shouldn’t be made, that’s up to the filmmakers.
The protest worked though and The Hobbit will be filmed in New Zealand, but come on, where else were they going to make it? The only other place in the world that looks like Middle Earth is Wales and that would be shit, even if Newport is identical to Mordor. While the film may be important to many Kiwis (is that racist?) I have been less than excited about its release…until Martin Freeman was announced as Bilbo Baggins that is. Because of The Office and Sherlock I will probably watch anything that has Freeman in it, even The Hobbit, and not just that, I’m excited about it. Martin Freeman is one of those rare actors who comes across as a normal pleasant human being and as a result is instantly likeable in everything he does, which will be pivotal in The Hobbit’s success. The audience will be able to connect with Freeman immediately or at least I will be able to and without this connection the film will not work. That said protests will start soon to get Rhys Darby to play Baggins, something I will be equally excited to see.

Science, not just for geeks!

I like science and I bet you immediately think I’m a geek (you’re right). Science is cool but the people who get their kicks from it usually aren’t, not by conventional standards anyhow. You mention science and you conjure images of Einstein, Hawking, Doc Brown and Professor Frink, or on a generic basis, nerdy guys with glasses and lab coats. In fiction scientists have become frequently portrayed in this way, if not they are almost always of the mad and evil kind, either way they’re not cool. You go beyond that and science is just something these weird people like, this mysterious entity that only a select few know about and will inevitably use to cause Armageddon like Pinky and The Brain.
There appears to be something of a little science boom at the moment, perhaps the media coverage of the Large Hadron Collider initiated it or maybe it’s because TV shows like Fringe and The Big Bang Theory and sci-fi films such as Star Trek, Avatar and District 9 have brought science into the mainstream. Science documentaries have become much easier to find this year especially on the BBC and their latest project Secrets of the Universe indicates that the stigma towards science is fading and it is ready to reach a wider audience.
Secrets of the Universe started on BBC3 last night, a science programme on BBC3, you heard me right. It’s aim is pretty clear, to make science accessible, simple, and not just for geeks. To make it easy to understand it is formatted in the same way as every other BBC3 documentary, bright colours, popular music and a typically cool presenter. The show promises to explain the concepts of the universe without stepping inside a lab and just using everyday objects and the great outdoors.
What the first hour of this series explained was the Big Bang theory, red shift, waves, gravity and stars. It did this by exploding a water melon, playing guitar in a moving car, surfing, and making toast with mirrors. This all seems to be smoke and mirrors (har har) though and in one hour not very much has been explained. I understand it’s effectively science for simpletons but a GCSE student would find it patronising. If you took out all the gratuitous “WACKY!” stunts the show would last twenty minutes, which I think would be a good thing.
Presenter Greg Foot just comes across as a colossal twat, he’s sort of like science’s Jamie Oliver. He’s the archetype of BBC3 presenters in that he’s young, conventional, brightly dressed and absolutely determined to come across all trendy. In fact I got the feeling that this hour was more an attempt at showing us how cool he was than explaining how the universe works. He introduces himself as 27 (who the fuck does that?) in front of a backdrop of photos of himself in various outdoor pursuits as if to say look what I do (YOU‘RE A PRICK!). He continually uses his wealth of many mates to demonstrate the concepts and also to show us how many mates he has. There is one totally pointless scene in which he explains something in a pub while he has a pint with just a few of his many mates so we can see how frickin’ damn cool he is. He says “shit” a few times as well so we can relate to him and as an extension, science itself. Don’t say fuck though that’s going too far. What annoyed me the most was when he explained waves by surfing. He clearly bought some “WACKY!” board shorts just for the show and was so intent on wearing them he put them on over a wet suit, what a cunt.
This format fits perfectly into the ideals of BBC3 and I wouldn’t be surprised if the producers just cut the documentary so he came across this way, he’s probably a really nice guy and just wants to tell us about science. That said the show would be far more effective if it wasn’t trying so hard and just told us about some science. Wonders of the Solar System was detailed yet simple and focused on the wonders (obviously) of science rather than how gnarly it is. Brian Cox shows that you don’t have to jump around with your mates drinking beer and saying shit to make science cool. People who watch BBC3 get distracted approximately every 3 seconds though and maybe giving them just a little bit of scientific knowledge between every “shit” may eventually lead to an influx of more in depth programming as science becomes more popular.
The thing is though that the BBC already has a regular science programme, Bang goes the Theory, which works so much better. Finding a balance between simplicity and detail, the show is never patronising nor too complex and often relates science to current affairs. It does suffer from being a little too “Blue Peter” which doesn’t do anything for the cool, and it’s hard to attract a wide audience when your clear intention is to educate.
The Big Bang Theory on the other hand is primarily a comedy but as it references scientific concepts it is subversively educating the audience. The show is Leonard and Sheldon and we the audience are Penny, as she learns so do we. The current Sci-fi boom in film should ignite interest in science but it also might deter interest as well. Leaving the cinema after watching Inception I overheard someone saying that his brain had never worked so hard in all his life, probably true but Inception is hardly String theory, in fact it’s hardly science.
Secrets of the Universe is important in that in its own BBC3 way, can change the attitude that many people have towards science. Along with other programmes and indeed films, it can become accessible, popular and ultimately cool, and nerdy will be the new sexy.

Stained Pants

It was reported this morning that councillors of Staines Town are considering changing the name to Staines-on-Thames as they believe this will make the town seem more attractive to investors. Residents of Staines will no doubt be donning their “this is an outrage” caps and furiously tutting and shaking their heads at such a notion while the rest of the nation, world and universe couldn’t give a shit.
If the theory that adding “-on-Thames” to a name increases the attractiveness why not add it to more things? Newport-on-Thames, Baghdad-on-Thames, and what about Susan Boyle-on-Thames? They are probably employing “style consultants” as we speak (I bet some prick has given himself that title), charging thousands of pounds to make Staines sexy with every idea inevitably being absolutely terrible yet costing unspeakable amounts of money.
Slough is going through something similar and is failing miserably. People may remember a few years ago the programme “Make Slough happy” and if you watched it and are wondering if it worked the answer is a resounding no. Slough is of course famous for The Office which gave the town quite a bad name yet it would benefit greatly if people like David Brent and Gareth Keenan actually lived there.
In the past year banners have been put up everywhere in Slough with slogans like “Proud to be Slough”. There are a few meanings of the word slough in the dictionary, my favourite being “A state of deep despair or moral degradation “ which sums Slough up perfectly. So does “Proud to be in a state of deep despair” really make Slough seem like a better place? Another banner simply says “The heart of Slough is beating”, I always read this as “The heart of Slough is beating you up and stealing your phone”. You can plaster every slogan thinkable over Slough but you will never make it sexy because it is a massive slab of concrete with a permanent grey cloud hanging over it not to dissimilar to my stereotypical image of Eastern Europe which I believe is what England looked like in the 70’s.
The landmark feature in Slough is Brunel Bus station which is currently having the Gok Wan treatment done to it and if true to the plans will end up looking like a giant chrome piece of abstract art.
Of course the simple solution is to change the name. Slough is a horrible name and not even Slough-on-Thames would improve it, maybe Rape-on-Thames but that’s not going far enough. My suggestion is to change it to something like Unicorn, or Ribbons, you know, something nice that doesn’t say despair.
Staines will still have a horrible name if it changes to Staines-on-Thames because the word Staines conjures connotations of dirt and mess and uncleanliness. Keep the -on-Thames bit, just change Staines to something nicer, or what about just naming it Stainless? That sounds better already.
Certain people are arguing that Staines has been given a bad name as the fictional character Ali G resided there but I’m sure that real people who are like Ali G do actually live in Staines. Ali G mentioned my home town a few times and like every place he mentioned it’s a shit hole so maybe he has given it a bad name. If Staines isn’t a very nice place then would changing the name make it a better place? No, of course it wouldn’t.